Thanks everyone for all your good advice and support! I am so glad I am doing this play! I am really sore, and am so busy, but realized when I went home the other night I was almost dreading seeing H and his whole drama and divorce talk and almost constant reminders that he is in love with OW. It is getting old for me.
Yesterday he was complaining about us (the kids or I) leaving a light on in the bathroom and no one was in there (it could have even been him of course!) he is so cheap with us. Later that day, I got a credit card bill in the mail and found out he had charged a $96 hotel room on his weekend trip with OW, and he just paid $266 for a gym membership for OW (his is deducted monthly from another card). I am feeling disgusted by him right now. I haven't said anything or don't plan to, just keeping the records for the attorney when he tries to claim we don't have the money for homeschooling. (Cause he is spending the money on OW!) If he moves out at some point soon or files the divorce papers, he is definitely making it easier for me I think. I am still mildly DB'ing, but now acting more detached b/c I am caring a little less right now about him. I am thinking he is such a jerk lately, it is hard to care as much as I once did. I am now doing it more for the kids and I don't even know why; I guess because he was a good husband for a long time before this past 2 years. I'm doing it for that guy. Karen43
Karen, in some states, you can be 'awarded' back the money H spent on OW. Keep good records.
I am sorry that he is being a jerk, I have one at home. I so know how old it gets, quickly. I am very proud of you for getting out, doing things for yourself (the play, can the whole DB board come and cheer you on??). And yes, I miss what I call "Old H", the new one is so selfish and cranky.
I wish that when we were out shopping for H's, they had a sticky attached that said "Jerk Included - Take At Your Own Risk"! Guess it's just a given!
Hang in there, Karen. You are really doing TERRIFIC! Pay no attention to H's grumpiness. It's always easier to place blame elsewhere than it is for them to look at themselves first.
Let us know when the play's taking place! We'll be applauding!
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
The next time he complains about a light being left on you can reply that it sure doesn't cost as much as a hotel room.
My H spent lots on OW, too. Immediately after I found out about the A, I averaged all the extra cash he took out using our debit card, and what I saw on his credit card (before he started hiding the statements) and it was a few hundred dollars a month. A couple of months later I treated my sisters to a night out and he complained. I told him that the $100 I spent that night was nothing compared to what he had spent with her. He shut up.
You mentioned the constant reminders from him that he is in love with OW? Does he tell you this to your face?
Joie, he's told me a few times that he loves OW, but lately just says that he is going to be divorcing me or we will be divorcing or that he'll be moving out. In the past (he hasn't in the past few weeks though!)he had the period where he was texting her, she would be buzzing him texting him, or he'll be going off to see her....just reminders for me. But then he has very sweet days like last night where we spent an hour together laughing and talking, watching TV. There was a moon eclipse he went out to see and he called me outside to join him and we had a great time together. I'm confused, and sometimes I wonder if he is too! Karen43
I just broke every DB rule I think! I was so pi**ed off. I snooped which I never do, and found OW's valentine's card in the back seat of the car signed by OW, and another bulletin from a party he went to with OW with her name in it. OW is a former coworker of H, he lied about who OW was so I wouldn't know it was her, I had suspected her initially and he said it was someone from his track club to throw me off her trail. I really don't understand H paying for all their crap & her gym membership b/c she makes quite a bit more money than he does! I just sent her an email b/c I was pissed. Her d14 went to preschool with my s14 and we had been friendly when we spoke, but I guess she didn't consider me much of a friend after all!: I emailed her: Hope you can sleep good at night knowing you are breaking up a family- wife and two kids! But you probably don't have any morals so don't have a problem. So sorry I was every friendly to you...Karen--
I probably shouldn't have emailed her at all, but was so upset, and could have emailed much worse. I'm sure H will be mad at me, but after all he has done, should I even care??? Karen43
Karen, so sorry to hear this. I could only try to imagine the type of hurt and anger brought about when finding out OW was/is actually someone you thought of as a friend, or even just an acquaintance. What a b*tch! Sorry but I had to say it for you.
You're right though, H will most likely be angry, but you know what? It's his own fault. If he gets nasty with you, stand up to him and say something like, "I realize how upset you are by this, but if you intend to be rude, vulgar, etc with me, let's discuss this at a more appropriate time when we can both talk as rational adults." Then walk away. Give him time to cool down.
Don't become upset with yourself. Many of us probably would've reacted the same way. Gotten p*ssed and did something about it. We're only human.
Be strong. Be patient. Be calm. Smile.
(((((((Hugs)))))))
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Karen, Hope you're feeling better tonight. Finding out who the OW was, and that you knew her, and H lied about who it was, was certainly a shock. But I can so sympathize because looking back I think I was more p!ssed off at the lies my H continued to spew than the A!
Each of us has our own limitations, we can only take so much. Sometimes we have to let it out! Perhaps it wasn't the right thing to do (remember the 48 hour rule) but you've been trying to be more independent and by contacting OW, you did just that. Sometimes it feels like we're so out of control, and there's absolutely nothing we can do about what's happening to our lives, our M, our spouses, etc.
You mentioned before that your H was a control freak. He certainly thinks he is in control of this entire sitch, and making a beeline to get what he thinks he wants (D). I think it's good to let him see your anger. He probably just expected you to roll over and give in. He seems to be walking all over you.
No one can tell what emailing the OW will do. It certainly will rock the boat, but in which direction, who knows. Perhaps it will cause choppy waters between H and OW, too. I'm sure H will be p!ssed off. If he confronts you about it, I'd be prepared what your response will be and how you will act.
I'd be firm, but definitely calm. I'm sure others will help out with that one.
Oh karen, I am so sorry. So very sorry. I wouldn't regret the email, it was short and to the point. I am sure it surprised her a bit. Is she married? Sorry if I missed that....
My H's OW was a friend of mine, just a *our kids are the same age, same school* friend, but friend none-the-less. I know how much it hurts.
Just stay clear of H if he is mad, this will pass. You had every right to do what you did. Wonder if OW will tell him about the email? Joie is right, this is a 180 for you.
