Finding my way out of the dark

[mishka422]

This has been a strange day. H took S13 to a movie after we got home from church today. I wasn't feeling very well on the way home from church (nausea) but thought it would pass. I sat outside waiting for H to arrive to take our son. I hadn't seen him in 3 weeks (talked on the phone and texts only)and I just felt a need to get a visual. He arrived and our son came out to get in his car. I waved at him but didn't walk over to the car. He got out of the car and stood by the open door telling me he would pick up our son's meds after the movie and asked me if I needed anything from the store. I told him I didn't need anything and he asked if I was sure because he didn't mind. I again told him that I didn't need anything.

Shortly after that is when I got really sick. I haven't been able to even hold down water since then. Nasty! I decided I had to swallow my pride and ask him to pick up some 7-up and chicken broth while he was at the store. I needed it and knew I couldn't go get it myself. He didn't respond to the text so I had no idea if he was going to do it.

S13 came home and came in my room to tell me he had my 7-up and broth and did I want him to fix me a glass. I sent H a text saying thank you. He responded with "No Prob chica". He hasn't used that term since he left. It warmed my heart. Within a couple of minutes the doorbell rang and it was Pizza Hut delivering two pizza. My son told me that they had stopped by Pizza Hut and his dad had gone inside and ordered pizza to be delivered here and paid for it already. I sent H another message telling him thanks for the pizza and that I wish I weren't sick so I could enjoy it with my son and mom. He sent back "are you sick? I thought so with the 7-up". The only time I ever drink 7-up is when I'm sick to my stomach. I told him yes and I was sorry to have to ask but I knew I couldn't go get it on my own right now. He told me he didn't mind and I told him I knew he didn't but I also knew I was not supposed to ask him for anything unless it had to do with our son. He said well if you're sick and can do something with or for him then I don't mind helping.

That's when I think I blew it. I told him "thank you. hope you're doing ok. I miss you." Uh oh....I miss you. That was probably a BIG mistake wasn't it? I do miss him horribly but I don't want him to feel any pressure. I think it was the illness getting to me and making me really weak and just wanting him here to hold me.

I miss hugs the most. The rest of the physical contact is wonderful, don't get me wrong, but the comfort of his hugs is the hardest thing to do without.

I guess I just need to pull back again and not have any contact with him for a few days. Maybe that will clear my head. We'll see.

Going back to sleep now. This is really kicking my butt!

[mishka422]

Ok, I'm dwelling on this and I know I shouldn't. I know I can't second guess what H is doing or his reactions to things but I'm really thinking that telling him I miss him was a HUGE mistake. I didn't mean it in a pushy way, I was being honest and sincere but he probably took it as me being needy, huh?

I'm still so lightheaded from this illness and being at work all day has nearly killed me. I want to go home to bed but I can't, have to take S13 to karate tonight. Hoping I can just go and sleep in the car while he's inside. He really prefers me to be inside with him though.

The loneliness is really getting to me now. Much worse than it had been. I think the shock of this has worn off some and now I just feel like I'm so empty. I try to fill the time with activities but my mind drifts back to my H and all the great times we had together, the quiet moments, the soft touches. To know that he is doing those things with some crazy OW is really making me nuts. The stop sign is NOT working right now.

I really have to stop this wallowing in self-pity crud. I haven't prayed enough today and it's beginning to show.

What do you all think? Was one simple phrase (I miss you) after he was so sweet to bring me 7-up and broth and order pizza for the family too much?

[tpaschal]

So what if it was? Don't beat yourself up over it.

Don't say it often, because then it might seem like you are persuing him, but seriously---don't you think the OW tells him how much he is wanted and needed and missed when he's not there?

I think an occasional reminder that you still want him around might not be a bad thing. Just don't make a habit of it.

This is just my gut feeling, though, so if anyone with more experience thinks this is wrong, please let me know.

[missmyfriend]

Mishka, I think it is not a bad thing to tell our spouses that we love them, miss them and we are standing for our marriage but we should say it once and for their sake (and not ours), IMO. I wanted my W to know, that I will always love her and she has place with us together as a family. I wanted her to know that even as time passes so she knows that the door is open. She simply needs to walk through but I will not drag her through. It is her decision. I also told her that she is not responsible for my happiness. I told her that she is my family and always will be no matter what happens.

The challenge is that we want to say it in order to illicit a reaction. That is when it is a problem. Letting go of somebody is so very difficult when it hurts. But it is the best thing you can do for the both of you.

Thinking of you, Mishka (hugs)

[mishka422]

I really am trying to let go it's just so darned hard. I have never ever been alone in my life and this is just about killing me. I was so sick yesterday too that it made me extremely weak and vulnerable so my thinking wasn't very clear.

I know that what I want is irrelevant to him. I guess that telling him I miss him isn't so bad. I didn't say I love you even though I wanted to more than anything.

It's hard for me to let go when he keeps asking me if he can do things for me. I wonder if his "acts of service" (as my therapist calls them) are his way of keeping me ingratiated to him or if they are his way of staying in touch without really being part of our family. I just don't know. He's been so manipulative that it's really hard to judge.

The nights get harder all the time instead of easier. Why is that?

[mishka422]

Tough day today. I've been sick since Sunday and I thought I had kicked it yesterday but it came back with a vengance this afternoon. I had to leave work early and came home to climb into bed. I was supposed to take S13 to karate but knew there was no way. I sent a text to H asking if he was planning on taking him tonight (since he can't seem to stick to the schedule anyway!) and he called me back immediately. I really didn't feel like talking since I'm so sick and feeling really raw and vulnerable but couldn't ignore the call since I knew it was about our son.

He asked me if he woke me up and I told him no, that I was still very sick. He turned on his concerned voice for a minute and asked if I needed anything. The warmth was overwhelming me right then and I started to cry. Totally didn't want to do that EVER AGAIN with him. I think he really gets some sick satisfaction out of hearing me cry because he gets a power trip knowing that he's destroyed me. I don't want him to "know" that anymore. I'm tired of feeling destroyed, worthless, useless, hideous, unloveable, and generally a waste of space. I told him I didn't need anything. I wanted to tell him the only thing I need was my H (my H I love, not this person he has become who doesn't give a rip about anyone but himself) but I bit my tongue.

His rejection brought back every insecurity I ever had as a teenager. How dumb is that? A 36 year old woman with the insecurities of a 16 year old compounded by feelings of complete failure. Yeah great! I'm a regular barrel of laughs tonight. All of that pain has been coming out ever since I got sick Sunday because I'm terrified of being sick and alone. My son is too young to help much and he's autistic so he needs me to be able to function and my sick mother lives with me and needs me to be able to function as well but I have no one to depend on anymore to help me. Good grief! What the heck am I going to do about that? Any suggestions? My cousin lives less than a mile away but she has 5 kids and is never home. I guess I'll figure it out if the time ever comes that I absolutely can't function.

Have any of you faced being violently ill and unable to care for yourself for more than a day or two? I'm wondering how you dealt with it.

Sorry if this has been rambling. Still feverish and sick to my stomach but needed to vent a little.

[missmyfriend]

I only have a few minutes to write this as I have to get ready for work. Mishka, it does not matter his reasons for doing "acts of service" for you. Try not to analyze anything. I admit I do analyze still but I have gotten to the point that most of it does not bother me (I said most of it doesnt bother me).

He did something nice so accept it. It doesn't mean he is coming back now. It may mean he is coming back in very little ways. By analyzing it, their are modifications to your behavior, where you feel the need to do something...anything to get more of the same actions from him. The opposite usually occurs. They may decide "If she is going to react like that, I better not do things like this again".

Now don't worry that you messed up. It may have had no negative response. Just remember that your happiness does not reside within your R with your H. Focus on your first love Mishka (Rev 2:4)

And don't be so hard on yourself about reliving your feelings of rejection from when you were 16. This is normal. You are still that 16 year old girl. You are that 8 year old and that 24 year old while still being the current 36 year old. You are all the same people with the memories, insecurities and self-esteem that makes up the person you are today. It is those same girls that make the person you are in areas of loving, caring, spirituality, and other qualities. Don't flee from your past. Understand it and accept those persons as an important period in your life. Deal with the pain and realize that those were circumstances in your life but not what defines you. If you have issues with particular people that hurt you, try and make peace with them and with what happened to you. But don't do this alone. Make sure that you are very close to Him. Otherwise, the pain can be too severe and it can make situations worse.

Gotta go. I hope you have a great day!

[mishka422]

MMF - That was a very good way of putting that. I am all of those people aren't I? All of those life experiences made up who I am today (good or bad). I keep getting stuck on all the bad and can't see the good. I've always been a little (ok, more than a little) on the pessimistic side. I'm working on it but it's a way of life so it's pretty hard to get past.

I'm finally starting to feel better. I'm going to make an attempt to eat something. I haven't tried to do anything more than swallow some 7-up since yesterday morning. We'll see how this goes.

H is coming to pick up S13 again to take him to karate. This is 4 days in a row that he has seen him. I'm glad for my son but it worries me that H is going to use this illness of mine as leverage in custody. I hope not. He has to know that jerking our son back and forth between us will not be good for him and our home supplies the most stable environment for him. I'll keep praying about that too.

H doesn't talk to me at all except to ask if I need anything. I always tell him no (with the exception of Sunday when I had to ask him to pick up 7-up for me) but he asks all the time anyway. There are plenty of things that need to be done around here that I'm not capable of but I'm not going to ask him to do those things. He chose not to be with us and to live with his OW so he can forget trying to make me feel like I owe him for anything. I also don't want to appear needy which would be a pushing behavior. I do need him but only when and if he decides that he needs me.

I truly wish I could let go of him entirely because I'm 99% positive that I'm going to have to. Is standing for my M just hurting me in the long run? Am I standing now only to have to find a way to live without my soulmate in my life? I know this is supposed to be a time of personal growth for me but living like this is hurting my heart so badly.

Shouldn't we all just reconcile ourselves to the fact that our spouses don't want us anymore and leave it be? They may be confused but they will more than likely stay that way. They took years to get to this point. Why should our lives be hung out to dry hanging in limbo for years from now? They are moving on with theirs whether it's truly making them happy or not.

I know I'm rambling again but all these thoughts keep running around in my head and I needed to get them out.

Any comments on the above?

[missmyfriend]

To wait or not to wait is your decision Mishka. No person should make that for you. By standing one day more than you did the day before is more than what 99% of the other people would do.

I can only tell you why I am standing but that applies to me, no one else. I do have my opinions; don't we all?

When it comes down to it, standing is hard. We can make it easier on ourselves by learning about who God really intends us to be. I believe it is Rev. 2:4 where the church of Ephesus had left their first love (God).

I realized that I placed my W above God. To be honest, I placed pretty much everything in my life above God. I still struggle with putting Him first. I want Him to be first though. And that is something I will not stop trying to do regardless of what happens with my M.

You are tortured, as many of us are, because we cannot think of what life would be like without our spouse. That is the Catch-22. We need to be okay without our spouse before they can be returned to us and want to stay.

Without a real R with Him, it is challenging to have a real R with anyone else. Actually, I think it is impossible to have a real R with anyone until we realize that without Him, nothing else matters. We will continuously search and will always be wanting.

Nothing wrong, Mishka, with rambling thoughts. You are sorting everything out and that can be the best way to do it.

[mishka422]

H came to pick up S13 for karate tonight. He sent our son back into the house with a speaker system for my ipod. He hasn't bought me a gift in a long time unless it was an occasion. I sent him a quick text telling him thank you and it was really sweet of him to pick that up for me. I asked him where he had found it because I had never seen one like it. He told me he saw it at Penny's and knew I had a shuffle and thought I would like it. I told him thank you again and asked how his day was. He said it was good, court in the morning and a city awards ceremony breakfast afterward where he got two community service awards. I told him congratulations and how much I would have like to have seen that. I told him I was proud of his accomplishments. He also told me he got new glasses today and I told him I'd like to see them. He said I could come out when he brough our son home and see them. I told him I'm still sick so not dressed well enough but he could come into the house. I didn't know if he would since he hadn't been through the door for over a month. He came inside and was petting the dog and showing me his glasses. We talked about general stuff for a few minutes like nothing was wrong. He had to go so I walked out with him into the driveway. There was a full lunar eclipse here tonight so we were looking at it and talking about how I would bring our son out at about 10pm to see the peak. My H told me again that if I needed any help with my mom or for me to please call him unless my mom hates him. I told him that she doesn't hate him any more than I do. He said, "Oh, so she really does hate me." I just shook my head at him. Then is when everything went into slow motion.....

He asked me if he could hug me. I leaned into him and he grabbed me and hugged so tight. I thought he might not ever let go and I didn't want him to! I did finally break contact. He then reached down and held my hand for a few minutes and reluctantly let go. We said goodbye and that was it.

I'm not reading anything at all into that exchange other than it is the sign that I have been praying for. I have been praying for a sign from God that he would use some communication from my husband to me that would include physical contact and warmth in our exchange. My husband had tears in his eyes when he left. That spoke volumes to me. He is regretting what he has done. It's a start at least.