RTL, I'm sorry for you. I know what it is like to have a partner turn on you. It's horrible.
I resolve to not be bitter toward her, or about my life. I don't think I "deserve" this, but then who among us deserves misfortune? Who deserves a tornado to detroy their house? Who deserves a car accident? Who deserved Hurricane Katrina?
So I don't "deserve" this, but this is what I get. And I'll deal with it. I always felt we had the option to take a positive path forward together. I felt blessed by God that I had a happy healthy family. Well now my wife is not so healthy. I was still blessed for a long time, and for that I am thankful.
Now I will have to earn my blessings. Now is the time when I will show what I am truly worth. I am being tested by fate and I will rise to the test. I will do the right thing. I will not turn bitter. I will remain positive. I will seek and find beauty in life. I will treasure my loved ones. I will appreciate the little things. I will smile and laugh and share what I have with those who could use it.
I will never stop fighting for the welfare of my children. I will never let another's pain or hurt cause me to lose sight of their innocence, their beauty. I will Be The Man I am destined to be.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
Thanks Bomb! And you, too. I know you'll be ok, too.
Yesterday I saw my kids for the first time in 10 days. They seemed a little cool toward me, but mostly they were all acting as if nothing had happened, as if there was no 10 day interlude. (I have never gone this long without speaking to my kids). The youngest was a little distant from me, she only said "No" in the car, in response to every question I asked her. This has been her way for a month or so now. After a while we made the "No" a game. I asked her "what's your favorite color?" and the answer was "No." We all laughed as it got more and more ridiculous.
My friend, just before I left to go get the kids, told me -"look, don't try to catch up all in one day." What he meant was, my W is not being an adult here. The kids' manners are not what they were before. They don't comb their hair, they're grumpy and moody about the arrangement, and so on. He was encouraging me to see it from THEIR side. It's hard on them. So go easy. Be extra patient with them. He was so right.
Anyway we had a nice time. We went to a coffee shop for some hot cocoa, and to just talk. I haven't seen them or talked to them in so long. My youngest (D6), the distant one, told me she didn't want hot cocoa. Well I got one for her anyway. And of course she enjoyed it. By accident she spilled her cocoa on S11. Whoops! I didn't get cross or upset at all. We moved to another table, I got her another cocoa, and then guess what! Yes, she spilled it again. She was excited, nervous maybe. Poor girl. Again I didn't get cross. We just cleaned up and that was it. She felt embarassed. I kissed her forehead.
Later we went to a bookstore and did something I haven't done in more than a month. I invited my daughter, the six year old, to read with me. I had the new Fancy Nancy book, which she adores. She responded that she would read it to me. Oh, how happy that made me! I'm crying right now, remembering it. We sat together, my daughter and me, and she read a book to me. Ah, it was heaven. I used to do this every night with them. It has been soooo long for me.
Everyone got a book. It was sunny outside, so we went to play. We played frisbee and follow-the-leader, and generally just giggled and ran around. We went out for pizza. We held hands, we hugged. We play acted. We rolled down a grassy hill. We walked backwards. We looked for four-leaf clovers. We played some more. We got chilly and went to my friend's house. Then it was time to take them back.
It was great. All too short!
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
I'm so happy for you. You had an awesome day with your little ones. I'm praying you will get them more and more in the coming days.
I'm also on-board with your attitude about thanking God for your blessings and moving forward. I am mourning the marriage I buried yesterday, but I was toasting the good times we had. The times my W chooses not to remember.
I know how you feel -- it is terribly sad to sit by and not be able to help someone you love who is struggling. However, that is what we must do. If we try to help, they'll pull further away.
Instead, we have to sit back and wait to be asked to come to their aid and that invitation may never come. That is the saddest part.
However, I too agree not to become bitter about my situation. I am following your lead and advice and I'm so thankful for you to be here for myself and others who need friendship and support.
You are a strong man and you will continue to be blessed and grow in positive ways based on your actions during this most difficult of times.
Keep going strong, my friend. I'll stay in touch and keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Woo-hoo! Today was a good day. I spent the afternoon with the progeny. We tossed the football. We rolled in the grass. We played imaginary games (I was the culprit and my six-year old was the judge. Apparently I had been caught stealing cattle and other livestock.) My nine-year old hypnotized me. I held hands and gave lots of hugs. We went to a movie. We had ice cream.
One thing that brightened my day, is that the kids kept bringing up the old days - and memories they really treasured. Like our old house, and the games we used to play in the park. Like the shed they built with me at the old house - It was really a garden shed but I built a top floor in it for them, with a hidden porthole window, for spying on people. They remembered the games we used to play there, the garden we planted. Even as my W can remember none of the good stuff, or maybe it is only that she cannot bear to remember it, the kids can and do remember that stuff. And that is a huge boost for me. It makes me feel sane. They share the view that I have, of our family, of our time together, and for that I rejoice inside.
Today I also took some positive steps towards financial sanity. That's helpful.
I am looking forward to tomorrow; I will spend most of the day with an attorney preparing my motion for temporary orders - meaning a schedule for when I get the kids, and how we split my income. This is me taking positive action. As part of this motion, I have asked a number of family friends to write statements about me, their perception of me as a father, for the court. And my attorney has shared all those with me; reading them has been very uplifting.
I don't want a divorce but I definitely do not want the current arrangement where she gets all my income and I have to beg for time with the kids. So now I am taking official steps to rectify that problem, after my long efforts at good faith negotiation have failed. I am filing a motion with the court. Good for me!
As for my WAW - I have "gone dark" completely. She filed a protection order against me and I have not communicated with her directly, via any means, in 2 weeks. All communication goes through attorneys. You can imagine how much all this is costing us. It takes probably $300 in attorney fees for me to arrange a single visit with my kids. Insanity. Don't forget, this is HER money too. And she'll feel it worse than I. She doesn't have a job. But yet she is content to force me to communicate with her only through the $300/hour pipe. Can you say, avoidance?
Whatever. Next week we'll have hearings on the DV protection order and on the parenting plan. She won't be able to avoid that. She will read firsthand what our family friends say about me as a father. She will confront the judge who will read her petition for protection, and she will have to assert that I have been abusive for 22 years, in the face of all the support from family friends i have gotten.
It's really too bad we're here. But I'm going to continue to be a great dad, in fact I'm resolved to continue to find ways to be a better dad. And I will be a great husband, for someone in the future. Maybe her. Maybe not. Tick tick tick. Time is running out!
I've heard that many of the MLC/WAW spouses snap out of it after one or two court dates. I welcome this step. We'll see.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
What awesome news about your day w/ your kids. That is great! It is very refreshing to have them remember all the good times and help validate that you are not crazy.
I'm sorry about the court issues w/ the W. I'm facing a potential showdown myself where W and I are to undergo a "parenting evaluation" to decide the permanent custody situation for our D. This step will require us both to speak to a psychologist and I'll have to express my concerns about my W's depression, emotional stability, and drinking. I'm in the process of gathering that information now and I'm not really pleased about it, to be honest.
However, like you, I'm hoping processes like this will help to sober up my W to the realities of her claims and of life on the other side.
Let's hope your court proceedings go well for you and cause your W to have a welcome to reality moment of clarity. Some mild clarity from her would do a world of good right now.
Thanks for your support Tree and RTL. I spent the day Thursday at my attorney's office. It was weird, sort of like an out-of-body experience for me. I really never ever intended to be in this position - working through a divorce. I hate divorce. I resolved to never entertain the thought, no matter what. A weakness, I know, but that was my philosophy going into this marriage. Marriage is forever. better or worse, sickness and health, all that jazz.
Anyway so there I was, discussing all the ins and outs of filing a motion in a divorce proceeding. and yet it was almost like it was not me in there, sitting at that table, signing those papers.
But the reality is in black-and-white - my wife is trying to prevent me from having any custody of my children at all. This is the part that gives me the most anxiety. I accept that she is leaving me. I regret it, but I accept it. Now she is also trying to take the kids, and that I won't stand for. I will not accept it.
Her harsh position on this sort of makes sense, in the crazy world that is her mind, I guess. As time went on she did not honor our relationship - which of course is the foundation of any family. you know the old saw, The best thing for kids is a mother and father who love each other. And for me, love was a decision, not a feeling. For her, it was a feeling that did not flourish.
We had a child-centric marriage, to say the least. She doted on the kids, focused all her energy on them, so that at the end of the day, at the end of the week, at the end of anything, she didn't have any energy or passion or interest for me. I saved some for her, some of myself. But she never seemed to have any left for me.
So now, dissolving the marriage, she wants to retain the relationship she has with the kids, undisturbed. She doesn't want them living with me, 50/50, even though I was (honestly) the most involved father I know of. She doesn't want me having any say in their upbringing. She wants me to disappear, I guess.
This really feels wrong to me. Really wrong. a grave injusice. Everyone I talk to sees it this way. There is widespread disbelief among family friends that this is the stance she is taking. So based on all of that I have some hope that the judge will see it that way too. But it makes me anxious to be in this position - going in front of the judge in a few short days, to decide this issue - whether or not I will remain the father of my children. My biggest crime? - I was present during my wife's meltdown.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
Before taking that step, I think I will wait and see the results of the initial hearing. Keep in mind all the restrictions of my time with my kids have been voluntary on my part (requested by my wife, eg "I need space"), or forced upon me by my wife (filing the petition). As yet we have not had a neutral third party weigh in here. The inmates are running the asylum, literally.
So I trust that the restrictions of my time with my kids will not stand. I need to be patient and follow the legal course. If I get impatient and break the protection order, it will be breaking the law, regardless of whether I was violent in the past or not. So I am not breaking that protection order. Period.
I am very hopeful that the judge will have one look at her petition and scoff it out of court. The judge may go so far as to censure her for limiting my time with my kids unfairly. We'll see.
In any case this first hearing is for temporary orders, which are not final. So I am nervous, but I know this is not my final chance. I am hoping it will go well. If it goes badly then I will take your advice and solicit help from a father's rights organization. That is a great idea!
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
