LRT UNDER SAME ROOF IIII

[craig54]

john, i still need to db in some form. i dont want to push her too hard. i have let her know i will be there anytime she calls me. she knows i will do what ever it takes. she is calling me back later to let me know. it is going to be a tough day for her. i do not want to make it any tougher. thanks for input.

[john210]

Craig,

I hear what you are saying.....I just wonder if dbing should not be put on the backburner under these circumstances. It was just a suggestion on my part.

[craig54]

john, i understand what you are saying. it is tough. i have not been dbing too much after we got the phone call. i did as much for her as i could, and she would allow. it is really tough, because i want to just hold her. i comforted her as best i could. along with daughter. unfortunately i have lots of experience in dealing with this sort of thing. lost both of my parents in 1973, four months apart. very hard situation. so i know how much my wife is hurting. she knows i be there at the drop of a hat. tough situation all the way around. i appreciate your input. only the Lord can deal with this effectively. he can use me, i just need to be available.

[Wooglint]

As long as she knows that you are there for her it will be a comfort to her. I am sure this is causing her to think about the current situation.

[craig54]

woog, i pray for that everyday. she knows i would be there at anytime if she called. we talked for awhile on phone last night. she is sick, but she sounded like she was dealing with her dads death pretty well. she saw her dad at the mortuary , and she said she did pretty good. i let her know that i would drive up to help if she needed me. she said i could come up, but i would probably just stand around and not be much help. i said in that case i would just stay home with the kids. daughter really did not want to go anyway. plus, i dont want to get involved in the splitting up of her dads things with her brother and mother there. i have too many bad experiences with that already. i will let them deal with that. woog, thanks for sharing. God bless you. keep fighting for your marriage.

[craig54]

i was talking to my 14yr old daughter last night and she told me that she just wishes that this whole thing with mom and me would be over, she is tired of seeing both fo us sad. wow, somehow i need to explain to her that i am doing what i am as far as dbing to make sure mom and dad dont get divorced. i asked her if she wanted us to get divorced, she said no. obviously she does not like living in limbo. must do a better job of keeping her busy and be more joyful around her.

[john210]

craig, great work with D14. it would have been easy for you to place the blame on your W....i know a weaker person would have done that.

For some reason i just thought of some James Taylor lyrics....it applies to all of us, especially on V day.....let's make sure we show some love to all the people who are dear to us.

Shower the people you love with love
Show them the way that you feel
Things are gonna be much better if you only will.

[craig54]

journaling, i am realizing what a toll this whole thing is taking on my youngest children. my 17yr son won't talk about it and seems to not care if his mother moves out or not. myr 14yr old daughter wants this to end because she is tired of seeing her mother and myself so sad. i know neither of the kids wants us to actually get a divorce, but they obviously don't like living in limbo either. would appreciate if any veteran db'ers can give me some insight. i pray about it every night, but it pains me to see them struggling with this situation. thanks

[Gypsy]

Hello Craig..

Can I have your help?

We have children around the same age. Your post about letting your daughter know you're trying to save the message is something I've been struggling with. Our 13 year old daughter is so sad and asks me why my husband and I can't stay together. He's so set on leaving. Yet I'm afraid if I say I'm working on trying to keep the marriage that the message would be confusing. Is it silly to worry about that?

Dad wants a divorce, Mom doesn't.

The most I tell them that you can't keep someone who doesn't want to be there. Is this me avoiding conflict and unwittingly acquiescing to his goals?

Would you mind sharing some suggestions? I hope asking this in the middle of your topic is okay.

[craig54]

gypsy, that is more than ok. i have been at this for almost 5 months. my wife is still in the house . she filed first set of paperwork 3 weeks ago. i am waiting to file mine next week. she says she wants to move out, but has made no effort to save money. i told her at first i would help as much as i could. she has not talked about it for weeks. as far as my daughter, this is a tough one. personally, i do not think there is anything wrong with being truthful about why you are fighting to save your marriage. the kids , especially teenagers understand what is going on.

i think they need to know that you dont want a divorce, and am doing whatever you can to not have that happen. it is a tough one though. i don't want to see my children suffer. but i also know how much they will suffer if we actually get a divorce.
which will be alot more than they are know.
i have two older children, 30&25 whose mother basically checked out on us for three years. i was left picking up the pieces, and raising them by myself. they have plenty of scars from that.


i would pray about it , i have been. asking the Lord for guidance. really keep an eye on your 13yr old. this is a tough time even without the added pressure of your situation.

as far as avoiding conflict, that is part of dbing. you are right, you can not keep him from leaving. you are not giving into his goals, since he has his own free will. keep the kids busy and also yourself. do 180's. it is amaxing how actions can make them look at you different. it sure has in my case. we are no closer to reconciling, at least not yet. but i know she notices the changes in me. spiritually speaking, because she has started to do the same thing. keep dbing at dont panic. patience.