Hanging in there....

[Sugar and Spice]

Well here we are an as yet, nothing has been resolved. Tomorrow will be 2 months that he has been gone and he still can't decide.

I was talking to him today and I asked what he wanted for his birthday and he said a brain and the courage to make a decision either way. I told him he just needed to do whatever he needed to do for himself. He told me how he has become wishy-washy and how he never used to be that way, DUH!!!

He said he is scared either way and I had to go, but good lord how is this so hard? If the person you are having a PA/EA with in 4 months is better to/for you than I have been in 20 years, move on! Let me get on with my life, why all of this waffling and making things harder than they need to be?

I have noticed that the less I contact, the more he contacts me. He has called me 4 times in the last 2 days and his comment is always, "I don't know why I'm calling to tell you this!"

Today I told him, "Its because you Love me so much." I was just joking and he told me that he did, which opened up the conversation above. I'm sooo confused, I want to push, but it'll just end up badly, but I also am getting tired of waiting.

Any advice?

[GoingForward]

Tomorrow will be 2 months that he has been gone and he still can't decide.

Is he offering up his thoughts on his own? Or are you asking for them?

I was talking to him today and I asked what he wanted for his birthday and he said a brain and the courage to make a decision either way. I told him he just needed to do whatever he needed to do for himself.

Not trying to be rude, but he's throwing himself a little pity party. My H did that quite frequently.

Your H, as well as mine, was/is probably feeling rather disappointed in himself. Next time he says something negative about himself, how can you help lift his spirits and boost his confidence? Point out anything positive he's got going on in his life. Help him feel better about himself.

...why all of this waffling and making things harder than they need to be?

Your H is confused, and I don't think he's intentionally making things harder. He's got a lot on his mind to work through and figure out on his own. You cannot help him here. All you can do is continue to be supportive when he needs you to be. Just be his friend. The kind of friend we all go to when we just need to talk. The friend who listens, validates, never judges, and looks at the brighter side. Be positive.

I have noticed that the less I contact, the more he contacts me. He has called me 4 times in the last 2 days and his comment is always, "I don't know why I'm calling to tell you this!"

He's calling because you're not chasing him (no begging, pleading, or pursuing from you). He's calling because he still feels he can talk to you. He's calling because he wants to.

I'm sooo confused, I want to push, but it'll just end up badly, but I also am getting tired of waiting.

You are precisely right! If you push, it won't be good. Don't do it.

Time and patience both can be your worst enemies yet also your best friends. (Trust me, I know what I'm talking about. )

Be patient with your H and give him the time he desperately needs. Again, he has a lot to deal with on his own.

YOU have stuff to work on as well, don't you?

[Sugar and Spice]

GoingForward,

I sure do. I have lost 35lbs. since this whole thing started and I go to the gym at lunch most days. I also go to IC as well as MC.

I know he is confused, but he confuses me too! He was asking about some tax information and I told him he had a large stack of mail at my house and that I would bring it to him at our kids baseball games and he said that he hated to bring a bunch of stuff to his moms as thats not where he was going to be living. He also told me we should start buying up some of the houses that are in foreclosure so we could use them to build up our retirement portfolio, but then he wants to know when I'll be home on Saturday. He texted me and wanted to know what time I would be off and I told him about 5pm, why? No reply. So I was kidding and I texted him back "Hot Date" and he replied yeah. So when we were in person he asked again what time I would be home and then said, well if you get off at 5, you'll be home by 5:30 and that'll give me enough time. So I asked where he was going and he told me it wasn't any of my business, which really hurt. I told him that if he was worried about time, he could always ask my niece to come and watch them and he kept saying, well you'll be home. Then he comes off with, well I don't know why you are making a big deal out of it....HUH?

We have MC tomorrow, for the first time in a month. Last session I cussed him out and the C thought we needed about a month off to work on ourselves as my anger seemed to be simmering somewhere near the surface. I really haven't let him have it at all throughout this whole thing and I just got mad, I couldn't help it, and even though it wasn't helpful, it sure felt good!

I just don't know what to think. I have given him until July 4 to make a decision one way or another. This will give him time to work with a C and figure out who/what/why etc... that he wants for his life. This date is a moveable date though. He walked out on his last counselor and at that time I told him that if he found another counselor and made an appointment in a reasonable amount of time (a week) that the date would remain July 4, if he chose not to see a counselor, that the date would then move to May 1. When he protested, I reminded him that the time is for him to work with a counselor on his issues and left to his own devices that July was way too far away for me.

His appt. with a new person is this Friday,but he got on it right away. If he walks out on this one, the date moves to April 15, and it is a non-negotiable date.

I'm working on setting boundaries, I'm not very good at it, but I'm trying. I am also going back to school in the summer to finish up and transfer as a Junior to a University here to get a Business Admn. degree. I can't make him love me and I can't fix him, but I sure wish I could.

Thanks for all of your insight and support, everyone. I couldn't do it without you guys.

[Sugar and Spice]

Well, I just have to get this off of my chest...

H and I went to mc for the first time in a month, last time I ended up cussing him out and the C said we needed some time to work on our own "issues". It went ok, but he was just being a child. He kept giggling and just kind of being a pompous ass. The C asked him more than once, "Is there something funny about this?" "What is so amusing?" He says he was emabarrassed, he should be, but anyway it was really frustrating. He was defending the OW which made me want to smack him. He was complaining that even though he is gone and spending all of his free time with OW, I don't pursue him...as if! I told him that I don't CHOOSE to participate in a relationship with him and OW and until something changes there, that I won't pursue that. The C and I both had to point out, "You have a girlfriend, why would she pursue you?" He just didn't seem to get it! He then tells the C that he thinks he will end up at home, he just needs to get his head together and go to his own C and work this out.

He went to his first session with new C on Friday and I had to drop off my S12 baseball hat to him. I was hoping he would still be inside so I could just drop it and go, but no luck. H kept asking me "Whats wrong?" I kept saying nothing, but then I slipped and started a R/OW talk. BIG MISTAKE!!! HUGE! H got all mad and said that I just needed to understand that we are separated and to get over it. I asked him if that meant I should/could get a OM and he said, "If thats what you think you need to do!" and I said "Good to know" and then told him I was out and left. He called me a few mins later to tell me that he understood and knew that I would be calling him later to tell him I was sorry and that I felt guilty about the R talk and to his surprise I told him I wouldn't and that I didn't feel bad. Made him even more mad. FFW....

H picked kids up Fri. afternoon to keep them because I had to work on Sat. He calls me at 6pm and wants to know what I'm doing, when I said I was getting ready to meet a friend he said, "I'll let you go then." I asked him what was up and he said "Nevermind, you're busy." and I said "OK." and hung up the phone. He ended up leaving my kids with my MIL so he could go and gamble. So my friend and I went and had dinner and a couple drinks and decided to go to the card room and check it out.

We walked in and were headed to the bar and I spotted him at a table and OW was sitting right next to him. He never even looked up. So we sat at the bar and watched them for awhile. She kept getting up and going over to a table where she had some food and was getting her grub on. I had never seen her up close before and I was scared! She stared us down as well, but not because she knew who I was, thats just how she is I guess. I saw one of the waitresses and I took her wedding pictures and we were talking and she was shocked to find out that my H was married (no one there knows) and was having an A with OW. When we got ready to leave I had a drink (diet coke) delivered to him and she told him it was from me. I stood by a table and the look on their faces was priceless...not really shock, just embarrassment. I waved and then flipped them off (I shouldn't have) and left. It was the best thing I have done yet. It may not follow DB principles, but it has really helped me detach and be able to reconcile in my own mind that this is his choice and that I will just need to really GAL and go on.

He ended up calling me at 3:45 in the morning and telling me that he was sorry that I had seen that, blah, blah,blah and that ulimately he just needed to get this out of his system and that he thought he would be home. I really didn't say too much back. When I got home the next day from work, he was in my bed and looked terrible (he had only had a couple hours of sleep over a period of about 3 days) and my S later told me he was in there before I got home and my H had been crying.

Any comments are welcome, I am avoiding R talks like the plague, however I did tell him what I had been told about her that night and thought he should know. He got angry and said he was going to confront her and that she would probably be calling me for talking bad about her and I reminded him that I didn't know her, that this is what people that know her have said about her...big difference. If I was going to try and convince him she is as shady as she is, wouldn't I have told him this when I first found out? I guess that made some sort of sense to him, but I ended it with, "This was just for your information, do with it what you will. I only want whats best for you and you need to make informed decisions. I don't think everything that was said is the gospel, however I think there is at least a grain of truth in all of it and I think in light of the fact that we have children that I wouldn't want that type of element around them. But I realize that this life is what you choose and she is your choice for right now." Since then he has been the one to bring her up and I remind him, "She is your choice." I don't really have anything else to say about it.

[Sugar and Spice]

The OW started texting me last night and it went on for some time. I shouldn't have even bothered with her, but it got the best of me. She is so nasty, the stuff she put is just gross. I called H and told him that it had better put his dog on a leash and that if it didn't stop I would be at the Courthouse this morning.

This is just too much for me. I told him this morning that he has to make a choice and I have nothing to say to him until he does. I can't do this anymore. HELP!!!!

[Sugar and Spice]

Can anyone offer me some insight? I don't know if I'm doing the right thing or not. I know I shouldn't push, but I can no longer be part of a relationship with my H and the OW. She crossed the line and I just can't do it anymore...

Anyone?

[MichelleLT]

I think NC except for absolute necessities dealing with the kids is necessary for your sanity.

Perhaps you should also change your phone number to get OW to leave you alone.

Although I had to chuckle about the dog on the leash thing, were those your actual words? If so, I'd predict his response was angry/defensive? I think a clear statement will go further - I do not want OW contacting me. I will change my number if I have to. Please tell her to stop contacting me.

I'm soooo sorry you are in the middle of all this right now.

[Sugar and Spice]

Yes, those were my exact words!

I told him he has to choose and I mean it, but I really did want to give him the time I promised him to work it out. I realize I have put myself in a Catch 22, if he chooses me, he will be angry and resentful for me "making him" give her up and if he chooses her, he will feel whatever about me walking away.

I'm not a very good DB'er in my own sitch, but it was just too out of control for me. I can't spend the next few months wondering when she is going to spew forth more disgusting nuggets of information.

I'm not the cell phone account holder, he is, so I can't change my number w/out him.

I appreciate the response!

[MichelleLT]

I think your approach may be: I will not be part of your R with OW. So long as that is going on, we cannot work on our R/M. Please tell her to stop contacting me or we need to change my phone number. I am not going to file for D yet, but my patience is not infinite.

I'm just shooting from the hip here as I cannot predict how your H will react.

Hope that gives you some ideas.

[MichelleLT]

Oh, and I just had to add - her behavior is extremely immature and shows great insecurity. Not to mention drama. I think her and H will tire of each other quite quickly. Let her be the source of his stress and drama - he deserves it lol.