the phone is H's biggest connection to OW and has been all along. I HATE IT!!!!
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
Well, I think I figured out why H and the OW only met for half hour on Saturday. H had his annual job review on Friday afternoon. His boss wants him to work later until 7:00 or 7:30 which was when he was meeting with the OW. So I figured out he must have told her Sat. and they had a fight over that. They will only be able to meet Thurs. nights (when he used to go to AA) and the weekends. Then she texted him right after and must have decided it would be better to have him at least that much rather than nothing. But at least it is putting some strain on the relationship I am hoping. (Now I almost feel bad that I have ever made a critical remark about his workaholic boss because maybe this could help my sitch?) I know I shouldn't be analyzing, but that's how my brain works, it's tough for me to stop that!
The ironic part to me is he told me how understanding and supportive OW was about his boss and job when he told me about her. I am only about 98% supportive of his job: the past 2 years put a strain on our marriage, he was often having to work 2 jobs, his and filling in for absent employees, his boss and other supervisors, so he was stressed out and cranky; he always is having to reply to his boss' emails evenings and weekends. During my birthday dinner last year, he spent much of it on the phone with a legal "crisis" from work talking to different employees and emailing (and I didn't complain at all). This is a govt. job which pays half of private practice btw so I don't think normally it's supposed to be so much work/time.
So OW is not any more supportive than me when the boss' decisions affect her life of course! I think my H is delusional if he thinks he will find a W or gf that is more supportive, tolerant, and understanding than me and I think I have proved that this past few months with all the stuff I have put up with!!!
I have a question. I just got the bank statement for the last month. Every Friday, H has been taking out about $120 to $160 in cash, I believe for the hotel rooms for he and the OW since they are both married with kids they have to do that. He uses the ATM card for everything (like restaurants every day) so I can see the cash was not used for anything else. That's adding up quite a bit.
What to do about that? The lawyer I saw said to keep any records like that. Should I just keep these and do nothing & not say anything. I guess I theoretically could get reimbursed after the divorce I think according to state law here, but I don't know that he'll have enough cash to do that. Maybe that will help me work out the home schooling though, because that $500 a month will just about pay for the home schooling that he doesn't think we can afford (yeah, but he can afford hotel bills for the OW)!
What to do about that? The lawyer I saw said to keep any records like that. Should I just keep these and do nothing & not say anything.
From what I gather from your story, you'd like your M to work out. However, there's the possibility that your H won't come to his senses. If so, you'll want to be prepared with the information you've been gathering. If you're looking to save your marriage, I would save these records and say nothing. Hopefully, you'll never have to use them.
Just my two cents.
ntl
Me: 30 H: 32 Dating 10/96 Married 8/01 H PA's: Summer 97, 12/06, 5/07-10/23/07 My Saga
[quote=ntl From what I gather from your story, you'd like your M to work out. However, there's the possibility that your H won't come to his senses. If so, you'll want to be prepared with the information you've been gathering. If you're looking to save your marriage, I would save these records and say nothing. Hopefully, you'll never have to use them.
ntl[/quote]
That's pretty much along the lines of what I was thinking. You're right, I am trying to save the marriage, and getting into fights about this probably won't help and I don't think would change his behavior either, and probably make it harder to track the records in the future too I just realized. But I am going to save the statements and keep checking them too!!!
I have some good news! I got a part, actually 2 parts in the play I tried out for! A supporting role as Mrs. Upson, and a cameo role as a Dance Teacher where I have to do some crazy dancing apparently (in Mame) and I'm in the chorus.
I am shocked too, b/c when we had our 1st rehearsal last night the others had Theatre degrees or said they had been in plays since they were 4, so I was the only one that had not been in a play! So I feel maybe a little like What did I get myself in for: with the whole singing, dancing, and acting? But it will definitely keep me 100% busy over the next 2 months which is great and what I wanted.
I also have noticed H doing some nice things for me lately, like yesterday when he thought I was sleeping he came in and adjusted the little heater in my room I use b/c he thought it wasn't right (our 100 year old house is freezing when cold!). And when I was using the car yesterday for errands, he had pulled it in backwards for pulling in supplies, and yesterday, he pulled it out for me so I would have an easier time getting out of the driveway. Those are caring things he also really hasn't done for me before, so I thought maybe they were signs of progress, and signs that my DB'ing have paid off.
But then, more rollercoaster, as H told me last night he was going to be going this weekend with the OW on a weekend trip! I didn't say anything just left and slammed the door and went to bed as it was 11 (very mature of me!.) So I guess those signs of progress I thought I was seeing are just my imagination, or am I guilty of being impatient as Theoden has warned me about? Can someone comment on this and give me someone else's perspective? For some reason it is so easy to see what is going on in someone else's life, but at least for me, I have tunnel vision about my own life for some reason! Karen43
OUCH to the weekend trip. I am so sorry!!! He is very confused, doing nice things for you (guilt? still cares? who knows...) but actually taking a trip with another woman while married. And just to tell you about it. My heart hurts for you. Would he move out if you asked him to?
We have discussed it a few times, and he seems undecided about it. He gives lame reasons as to why he hasn't moved out and really only that he thinks he will have more money after we divorce which obviously isn't true b/c our income will be almost half. Or he will ask me if I want him to move out and he knows full well that I will say no b/c I don't want him to. So I really don't think he wants to move out, but if I asked him to to or ordered him out he might go then as a matter of pride or maybe he wouldn't go just to thwart me b/c he's a control freak so I don't know what would happen actually. Do you think I should ask him to?
Btw, our discussions of him moving out and the nice things he's been doing for me, the way we've been getting along: laughing and joking all the time and lots of eye contact btw, I think I have been getting some mixed signals from him. Then afterwards, esp. after we have been getting along really well or he did those nice things is right when he will do something outrageous like text the OW in front of me (he says so I won't have hope that we aren't getting a divorce) and now the weekend trip after we have had a wonderful week together. When he told me about the trip he said, I'm going away for the weekend with her because we are going to be getting divorced; almost like he is doing this to convince me, but I am starting to think more and more that maybe he is actually trying to convince himself about the divorce and not me! Do you think that could be right or that is something I just want to be seeing? Please be honest; I can take it (you know I can!) Karen43
I know I'm going to get blasted for this but I already know I made mistakes yesterday DBing. H and I and the kids went out to Pizza Hut at his suggestion(I think H was feeling guilt over the trip he is taking with the OW this weekend b/c normally I cook).
Had a great time there, laughing and talking, and on the way back, we were chatting about his job, which pre-affair he wouldn't do with me, I would try to fix things or be more critical of H's type-A boss, now I just talk as a friend and am more detached so we had a friendly chat. Then H out of the blue right after that said Have you been working on acceptance of our divorce with your counselor? I said something like well, you shouldn't worry about me, you should just be focused on your own counseling. And that's all I said.
Thinking later (which right there I probably should not have done) I sent H an email (You know how I like to write and I copied and pasted it here: In my counseling sessions my counselor has spent a good amount of every session, there have only been 3 so far, but one of her main goals seems to be to convince me that I would be very happy if I am not married to you so I think you should be not worried at all. She is definitely trying to get me to accept divorce. But we have also talked about my childhood & parents' marriages & how we replay that in our marriages, my brother's brain tumor, the play,co-dependency, etc.. I've only had 3 sessions, so you can only expect me to have so much acceptance so fast and we've been married 18 years! (Yes, I know I need to work on the acceptance area as you pointed out tonight, but internally I am changing about that, even though you might not be able to see it.) I think I've done a great job with my therapy and working on myself and most people would be amazed at what I've accomplished in many areas pretty quickly but you seem to focus more on my negatives rather than positives--maybe a big reason why you weren't/aren't happy with me?
Then he emailed me back something like: Yes, I think you've done a great job, but I just wanted you to know where we still are.
Then H threw about 2 loads of clothing into the laundry room that he had in his car from hotel visits with the OW that he wanted to take on the trip this weekend with her, and I stayed up until almost 1am washing them and the other load or so that was in there, so he could have his favorite clothes. I know I should have just gone to bed at my usual time, but something in me just wanted him to have his favorite shirts and everything, even though he treats me like dirt. I obviously have a screw loose (or 2) and need therapy for a very, very long time!!!! Karen43
I have some good news! I got a part, actually 2 parts in the play I tried out for! A supporting role as Mrs. Upson, and a cameo role as a Dance Teacher where I have to do some crazy dancing apparently (in Mame) and I'm in the chorus. 