did Michele encourage you to attend w/your H? I to am facing a similar dilema. It seems to almost contradict DB principles to ask the WAS to go to an intensive, but I personally feel that if we could get there we may be able to turn the corner.
Brantacan,
I was also concerned that asking my husband to go would be perceived as pushing which is against DB principles. At this point though I feel that I have played all my cards and I need a resolution. I don't see my sitch getting making much more progress without Michele's help.
I told Michele that I was interested in attending with my husband and she asked if he was receptive to it. I replied that at first he said no and then said maybe. I asked him before talking to Michele for the first time then again after talking to Michele. After talking to Michele he then said he would go. She didn't say that he shouldn't go.
Personally speaking the book and coaches have helped me get to where I am without his participation, but I think my husband and I need to work together with Michele's expert advice to give us that extra push. Therefore, I wouldn't go on my own.
If you are interested you should contact Michele and ask her advice on how to approach the situation. Thank you for the kind words. I will respond to your other posts if I can be of help or just to provide support. I wish you the best of luck and I am here, as we all are, to support you.
Posts Role Reversal(original) WAW now LBS part I & II WAW now LBS part III(current) T: 9 yrs M: 8 yrs WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07 LBS: Sep 07-pres.
I would have stayed if he would have stopped being abusive. And when I was mature enough, I would have tried to learn REAL GIVING. I would have built from there.
I soooooooo believe in this.
I'm so lucky that my SO responds with REAL GIVING to me as well. But that was the key to this relationship. The glue that holds us together. For some it is their sexual relationship---but then--that turns out to be the REAL GIVING there. For some, it's their activities together....etc.
It's learning to try to give what YOUR SPOUSE NEEDS AND WANTS. Not what you think they should appreciate that you are giving.
It doesn't fulfill your whole life. It isn't meant to. You fulfill your life. This fulfills the relationship. The love that grows people. Grows their hearts.
Michele once told me something like.... G is a package. He comes with a package. No matter how much he loves you, he won't become a different person.
So ... even when you're piecing.... this person isn't going to be your whole life, isn't going to be the end all be all for most people (some people do find that, I think)....but it isn't necessary.
Knowing you are loved. Loving someone. Really.
It's enough.
It's fun. And it's wonderful.
Last edited by sgctxok; 02/05/0803:27 AM.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
I am keeping the intensive in my back pocket just in case I need a secret weapon. Any idea on what the cost of that can be? It would be helpful to know what kind of funds I would have to come up with to make it happen if the need arose.
I am currently 2/3 of the way through my DB coaching and it has been a great help so far. I also think that our MC has opened the lines of communication for us and for that I am very grateful.
I certainly wish you all the best. I know you can make it work. You have been such a positive force in your M. Keep going and you can't help but come out of this a better person and with an excellent chance of reclaiming your M!
Well gotta run...time to pick S12 up from hockey practice.
-B
Me-45 W-34 T-5 M-3 1/2 s-10 s-12 ILYBNILWY 12/26/07 Sleeping away from home at friend's house(because she says she can't get any sleep otherwise) 1/14/08 1/25/08 We tell kids she is moving out
I am truly sorry that we have to meet in this fashion. Did you do the LRT? Maybe your husband needs a wake up call, like I did, to realize what an amazing person he would be losing.
Of course I am interested in your perspective. As a former WAW I have a bit of understanding of how my husband feels, but not entirely. I thank you for offering your perspective. My DB coach said something similar. When I came back I was all to happy to let things be and not put in the work. That lasted all of a week before he dropped the bomb. I thought he should be happy, after all his months of trying, to have be back. She and now you, have helped my realize how incredibly selfish I was to expect such a thing after hurting him so deeply.
Just a few weeks after the bomb dropped I found DBing and have been DBing ever since. I hope there is a light at the end of the tunnel for us, you and all DBers. Believe me, I will put in 100% effort into my marriage and not just until we are on safer ground, but for a lifetime. I will never again take my husband or my responsibility for this marriage for granted. Thank you again.
All the best,
HIC
Posts Role Reversal(original) WAW now LBS part I & II WAW now LBS part III(current) T: 9 yrs M: 8 yrs WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07 LBS: Sep 07-pres.
I disagree, or should I say agree that as a WAS, I wish I had known more about the DB stuff!!!! My H mentioned it to maybe once or twice, after I first left. But he really didn't get my attention. I truly feel that if he had been more persuasive, I would have listened. He gave me the "5 languages of Love" and I read it in one day soon after I left. I suppose he too, felt that giving away the DB secrets to me would leave him at a disadvantage. I think that attending DB intensive with the LBS and WAW would be an excellent idea. If anything, ask her to attend for your sanity rather than a reconciliation. In other words, trick her, I wish my H had!!!
Saus & Brant,
I feel the same way. I wish my husband had really pushed more or got me in to see Michelle. Of course I am by no means excusing my insanity. That is the only way to explain it. I look back and say what was I thinking. I was crazy, insane, in a fog etc. etc.
When I talked to my husband about the intensive I told him that it was to help me come to terms with our sitch. It is part of what Michele does after all.
However, everyone is different. I can't imagine though that the intensive wouldn't work. I think the difference lies in whether the spouse is at all receptive to it. The fact that you two are in counseling is a good sign that she may be receptive
Posts Role Reversal(original) WAW now LBS part I & II WAW now LBS part III(current) T: 9 yrs M: 8 yrs WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07 LBS: Sep 07-pres.
I tried sending a PM to give you more information but you are overlimit. Send one to me if you like.
I always appreciate the encouraging words. I also wish you the best. It is truly an inspiration to me to see the dedication you have to your family and your wife. I pray that she sees that in you soon enough. Keep it up!
Posts Role Reversal(original) WAW now LBS part I & II WAW now LBS part III(current) T: 9 yrs M: 8 yrs WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07 LBS: Sep 07-pres.
I don't think the messaging works for anyone. It said that you were over your limit of messages too. I know that can't be the case for me as I have only received one message and it was the welcome message from DB.
You may email me if you like. You can find my email address in the contact page at http://www.bryankelsen.com
I look forward to hearing from you.
-B
Me-45 W-34 T-5 M-3 1/2 s-10 s-12 ILYBNILWY 12/26/07 Sleeping away from home at friend's house(because she says she can't get any sleep otherwise) 1/14/08 1/25/08 We tell kids she is moving out
Yes, I did get the email. Thank you for taking the time to send it. And thank you for your kind words. Every so often I manage to get one in focus...LOL.
-B
Me-45 W-34 T-5 M-3 1/2 s-10 s-12 ILYBNILWY 12/26/07 Sleeping away from home at friend's house(because she says she can't get any sleep otherwise) 1/14/08 1/25/08 We tell kids she is moving out
HiC, I asked about the cost and it blew me away. Did Michele talk to you directly because you expressed interest in the intensive? I had imagined that it would all have been arranged through Virginia. I would love to be able to talk to Michele. In fact, I was hoping at the very beginning that she still did the telephone coaching. Because she didn't, I found Laurie and benefited alot from speaking with Laurie for 18 months.
I think you handled the talk with your H very well. Did you also offer to pay the entire bill for the intensive or did your H agree to share the cost?
