Theoden, I got locked out and you gave me the idea for the title for this 2nd series of posts. I am going to focus on working towards patience, as that is my weakness right now. I want results in weeks rather than months (H wants to file for divorce this summer so I probably won't have years). It is not quite as easy for me to have that attitude oh, well, no big deal whether he stays or leaves, b/c after 22 years together and the children, I still do love him. I guess I should work towards that attitude???
H did come home a bit late last night, and the OW was texting a few minutes later. I think she is even more obsessed than him if that is possible. H did at least wait until he was on the porch to text her back and spent all night on the porch at least until after I went to bed to come back in the house. So I guess the OW is healthy again or they've made up or whatever, cause it appears they are back together. So I didn't show any emotion or anything but was a little disappointed of course, even though I expected that was going to happen. Per DB, I've actually still been keeping up my cheerful, positive attitude and cracking lots of jokes and dancing around as I have been lately. (I need to send a thank you letter to the Prozac manufacturer :)!!!) Karen43
Have had some positives lately and some negative I guess...I fell into some R talking. I had surgery Friday, and was worried that H would drop me off and disappear. I basically asked him if that was his plan as he has been trying to act as if we are divorced already even though we aren't for the past few months. Then H said, well we would be separated but I can't afford it, I'll have more money when we are divorced. And I said do you think so? (Because the divorce attorney I saw said that probably isn't true he will have to pay me permanent alimony, extra custody, the kids have special needs, etc. & she seemed to think he will have less money after the divorce, and said he would be an idiot to divorce me financially speaking.) I didn't say any of that of course. Then he asked well do you want me to move out? And I said no, you know how I feel about you (code for I still love him without saying so) and he said yes, he does, and I said the kids obviously are happy to live with their dad as well. I think that was the first time he realized maybe that he does have a choice (has been making a choice about living with us), and maybe me too.
Then I dodged a couple R bullets by saying something like because we have 3 in the relationship (including the OW) we can't discuss something else in a fair way and another question by saying we could have the attorneys handle that, all stuff I've read here on this board! We ended the discussion by laughing actually and in a friendly way, so even though it was probably not good that I started it cause I was nervous about him ditching me, it ended well.
Then before and after the surgery, which went well, H was wonderful! The nurses had a huge exam they were studying for, so they disappeared down the hall most of the time, and every time I needed them H would go down and find the nurse for me. He only left once to take one break which I thought for sure would be a marathon texting session with the OW or something, but he went and got a soda and came right back a minute later! He was truly wonderful! When we got home, he got Pizza Hut which I had been dreaming about all day b/c I couldn't eat all day and my surgery was like 3:00pm and then brought me medicine every 4 hours. He was great! I did thank him for that, too!
Saturday, he usually spends hours, 4 or 5 with the OW, and he only spent about 30 minutes with her. I am thinking she either didn't show or they had a fight? H stopped in to give me my pain meds before he left and spent the rest of the day with us. He did spend some time working on his porch!, but did watch Pirates of the Caribbean 2 with the family also.
Sunday he usually has been meeting with the OW in the morning for a few hours and not going to church for the past few months. Today he didn't meet with her at all, then took the kids to church, totally on his own, not asked by me at all. I am still a little out of it after the surgery so am home with that. I am encouraged both by his not seeing the OW and even more happy by his going to church.
The only blemish in this is that H is still talking about divorce, even a little bit more than usual it seems like, and wants to take my D8 to a play this afternoon without me, that he knows I would enjoy as well. I guess I need to keep DBing, GALing, etc. Does anyone else have any advice or comments on recent developments in my life? Oh, my audition is tomorrow for the play that I want to try to be in which is "Mame", so hopefully I can limp on over to the theatre tomorrow and try to do my best on that! (I guess the dance auditions are out for me, but they were anyway since I have two left feet!!!)
I think you handled it perfectly. Stay consistent in that, and I think you may see it yield some fruit.
Oh, and I think your husband needs to get a better divorce attorney. Any man who think he'll be better off financially after a divorce, is drinking some pretty serious Kool-Aid.
Oh, and I think your husband needs to get a better divorce attorney. Any man who think he'll be better off financially after a divorce, is drinking some pretty serious Kool-Aid.
Choc.
Thanks, Choc. I think he saw an attorney just once for an hour, typical consulation, and they are friends, so probably spent half their time chatting. I think H also probably heard what he wanted to hear. It was right before he began the affair and I think he wanted the validation that it was OK to have the affair.
H has a lot of ideas that divorce is some wonderful thing: H will have more money; I'll meet someone wonderful after the divorce; the kids will be happy, etc. I guess it makes him feel better about the affair/divorce. The weird, ironic thing is when he was 14 and his parents divorced he was actually suicidal himself so deep down I think he knows that's not true. Karen43
H has a lot of ideas that divorce is some wonderful thing: H will have more money; I'll meet someone wonderful after the divorce; the kids will be happy, etc. I guess it makes him feel better about the affair/divorce. The weird, ironic thing is when he was 14 and his parents divorced he was actually suicidal himself so deep down I think he knows that's not true.
This must be textbook, because H has said the same thing, and watched his parents go through a nasty divorce themselves.
Well, so much for feeling positive. I have had a horrible afternoon! H went out this afternoon to see "friends" with a bag of party stuff like chips and stuff-I assume the OW is part of the party or he'll see her later.
I talked to my brother who is slowly recovering, sounding good but tired, so I was glad about that. Then talked to a good friend who thinks I should divorce & told me she and her H suspected my H of cheating 10 years ago. My H kept making phone calls at a restaurant across from our hotel, and they think H has had more than just his current girlfriend. H has always made me think this was his first girlfriend, but now I am not sure.
So what do I do now? Just sit on this info? If it is true, it was 10 years ago. Still, I was thinking H is going through a MLC and doing this affair partially because of my depression, but maybe he has been doing this throughout our marriage and I just didn't realize it. Just really, really feeling depressed right now. Like how could I be so stupid not to have realized and what's wrong with me that he has to have other women and all those other awful thoughts I guess you all have had too...Karen
Like how could I be so stupid not to have realized and what's wrong with me that he has to have other women and all those other awful thoughts I guess you all have had too.
Yes, I still have these thoughts. I don't like what you wrote about your depression either. Your H had no reason to have an A, none. He should have helped you through your depression, or even left and divorced you before committing adultery. What he has done is about him, not you. You are not to blame. You might be to blame (I know I am) for some of the issues before the A, but that's where the blame ends.
Yeah, I didn't say anything about the 10 year old thing. And H has always insisted he hasn't cheated until now, so I don't know why he would change his story now, and don't think I want to hear that anyway if it is true.
Last night after spending 3 hours with the OW, he came home to watch the Superbowl. I spent an hour or so cleaning and paying bills, and then sat down for 20 minutes to watch the last part of the Super Bowl with H. He very cleverly (he thought) put a blanket down so he could text her without me seeing, but of course his Blackberry was going off every minute (buzz, buzz) with her texts. He must think I'm an idiot! After a few minutes of this I figured this out and was upset of course, yet again he is a jerk about this same issue; I think it's been 2 months now at least, and I left saying I was going to bed.
Then halfway there, I said no I don't think I'm going to let this slide again. I went back and said loudly, "Thanks for your kindness and courtesy and not emailing your OW in front of me!" Oh, but that's right, You're not a gentleman so you do email her in front of me!" "Do you think I deserve to be treated like **it because you are treating me like **it!" and I stormed out and heard him saying no, no as I slammed the door and went to bed. He came into my room and said "I apologize" 10 minutes later (after he finished texting the OW I'm sure) to which I said nothing b/c I'm sure he'll keep doing it! and he left. (At this point I am still so mad at him, I don't think I want to see him for a long time.)
Tonight is the audition night for the play the kids and I are trying out for, and I am just hoping I can get a part, even a small one, not like most people I imagine, but so I can spend 6 weeks away from my crazy, jerky husband, and if I don't get a part, will try to volunteer for a behind-the-scenes-job, which will keep me still probably busy on the weekends and when the play begins and I will try to get as involved as possible.
I always read those chapters in the DB and DR books and said I would never be one of those spouses that wouldn't want to make the marriage work if the cheating spouse wanted to, but now I can see how that could happen!!!Karen43
I would have walked away with the first bzzzz of that phone. I have serious trigger issues with 'vibrate' on phones now. I wouldn't have stayed there after ONE message. What a jerk!!! I am so sorry.
Good luck tonight!!! Break a leg... (is that right? lol)
Thanks, lwb! I was lucky I didn't break a leg probably! It turns out they wanted everybody to DANCE, sing, and act! I had that surgery Friday and the doctor did say I could try a little exercise Monday and see how it felt, but I don't think she meant do an hour of dancing like I wound up doing! It was like kicking, showgirl type stuff, the Charleston, etc. OMG! And as mentioned before I have two left feet...Luckily, it is intended to be a comedy! I was nervous during the singing part cause I had never done that before, but I feel good about the acting/reading part and did pretty good at least on that one part! Yeah, I can read!!! They said they are going to call Wed. and let us know if we have a part or not. In case I didn't get one, I signed up for lighting? they said I could do that they thought even without any experience, and set decoration, which is painting the sets, so I should keep busy with this play a bit even if I don't get a part so you can see I am working on my GALing.
I had so much fun though! It was so fun to spend 3 hours just basically playing around with fun people. I knew half of them from a play my H and D8 had done 2 months ago, and I spent half the time laughing. Everyone there is nice and good people (unlike my H lately)! So I have my fingers crossed I will get a part! But prepared in case I don't also...My daughter tried as well btw, but it turns out there are no little girl parts, so I am worried she won't get one, so have prepared her for that. My S14 chickened out at the last minute even though there are several boy parts and not many boys showed up either!
