Grand Finale

[Glenda_aka_kc]

Besides, Norm on the New Yankee Workshop (public TV) is building a kitchen this year.

Dang -- that would be cool to do. My son keeps reminding me that I just need to make the place liveable if I'm not staying. Don't put in a lot of expensive things just because I like them. The next purchaser may not. So true.

And, I did do that with the bigger bedroom. It is painted a light blue color with mauve (pinkish-lilac in this case as I guess there are many variations) sponge painted over it. After I put in new plywood so I had a flat surface, I put in madiere (not sure of spelling) carpet which is a variegated light and dark mauve. I think it looks beautiful but the next person might hate it -- so I'm adding color but more on the light side for the rest of it.

WCW -- did you take the trip with the airline miles ticket? I think we discussed that before. I'd give you what few pointers I know about snowmachining and you can give me pointers on backing up. I know the theory but it doesn't seem to work like that for me -- obviously operator error.

[RMG77739]

Just like we tell the new people who come to this place in such pain...there are positives even in the midst of the chaos. As time passes we find ourselves more and more able to both SEE those positive and ENJOY them. I know that you know just what I'm talking about.


You know that I have found the ultimate truth in the midst of this mess - that it is possible you will find new love one day. And I can tell you that when that happens, it has an amazing capacity for bringing that final dose of inner healing that we all long for. God has blessed me with Deb, and he will bless you too one day.


Blessings,

Bill

Bill,

That is so very true. When I came here, I wanted more than anything to make it work with my former W. I thought she was a caring, committed, loyal and loving Christian woman who would not hurt our marriage or me for anything. I learned she was none of these.

Fast forward to today. God has blessed me beyond my wildest dreams. I am married to a beautiful Christian woman who will not let a day go by without telling how blessed she is to be married to me. She frequently tells me how glad she is my former W walked away. When we allow God to bless us.... He blesses us so abundantly!

Go with God,

RMG

[faithisbelieving]

I hate when threads lockup and you get lost. Sorry Jeff...trying to catch up here. FIB

[I_Still_Love_Him]

Hey Jeff,

I agree with the others, you owe your XW nothing. If she calls for help and you happen to answer, you can tell her what she needs to do to fix it but you do not need to do it. If it involves the kids, then you should be there for them, not her. Help her only if you want to without any expectations. Seems to me her being so nice to you lately is self-serving.

She is like so many of the other walk-aways here. They seem to NEED to be "friends" so they don't have to face facts that their choices hurt another person - a person they once loved, or at least said they did.

They either want to be your friend or do everything they can to avoid seeing you, talking to you or even emailing you like in my case, hoping that I will disappear and he'll never have to face me.

Renovating/decorating keeps you busy and is very gratifying. And, since you bought yourself a new cookbook, treat yourself and any handy helper to a great meal.

You sound good,
ISLH

[big_tuna]

RMG

Big Tuna here....so happy to hear how things have turned out for you.....i hope someday to report similar results.....im still torn between hanging on for the xw ephippany and moving on....
take care BT

[RMG77739]

RMG

Big Tuna here....so happy to hear how things have turned out for you.....i hope someday to report similar results.....im still torn between hanging on for the xw ephippany and moving on....
take care BT

BT,

It is great to hear from you! I am going to start a thread giving all the details some day soon. God has blessed me so much!

I had similar feelings until I met my new W. Looking back, I am able to see my WAW as she really is. She is not the type of woman any good man should ever be married to. She is TOTALLY in love... with herself! Her true character and beliefs were exposed during this time. As my friend Teresa said, “Rich, she does not deserve a man like you.”

The funny thing is my exW believed the grass is greener.... Well, it REALLY is.... During all of this, I met many great women... Many of whom said, "What is your exW thinking? Most woman are looking for a man like you. They are not running away."

You really need to look at things lucidly and pray for guidance. Is this the type of woman you want to married to? If you accept your wife's behavior, what type of example are you setting for your children?

You will be in my prayers.

Take Care,

RMG

[Jeff223]

Thanks for the responses guys. They mean a lot.

I have been doing okay. PMA is high. Ex moved out of the house and into her new dream house. I went to my house (need to keep saying that instead of "our" house) and it looked like a bomb hit it, as most houses do after a move. It was sad to walk through the empty rooms full of good memories. Sort of a 'tear in my eye' time.

She did leave several pieces of furniture. I was suprised. I called her and asked why. At first she came on like she was doing me a favor but then she admitted her dream house was too small for those pieces.

My house was in poor shape overall, not just from the move. She did nothing to it in two years plus it is just over 20 years old so it needs a new kitchen and the baths need repair. Needs paint throughout, new carpet and the wood floors need refinishing. There are some minor roof leaks and the outside trim is rotten in places.

I have a lot of work ahead. I need to do it myself mostly b/c I could not afford to pay for it to get done. I love that kind of work but who has the time given a full time job and the kids every other weekend?

And that great sex life

I will work it out.

Speaking of the kids, Ex emails me yesterday and said this weekend is sign up for baseball. "With your concurrence, I would like to sign them both up"

That did press a button: gave me little warning and of course she was not asking me really. She had apparently already discussed this with the kids, a no-no in co-parenting since parents should discuss first BEFORE talking to the kids. That way, one does not come across as being the bad guy if there is a no-vote.

S10 played ball the past few years but is not really in to it. It is a social event rather than a passion for the game. I doubt he even knows the score after the game. There for a good time. He did not want to play last year but his mom talked him into it and I went along. D6 never showed any interest but this year Ex says she wants to play too.

So I discuss with Ex and voice my concerns. Baseball is not quality one-on-one time for me and the kids. I don't see them that much and an intensive sport schedule erodes what time I get: the one or two 2-hour practices per week plus the one to two 2-hour games per week (at least one each weekend). For each child. I also told her that I needed time to fix my house, move, etc and that it would be hard to juggle the schedule this year. And the kids want to help me fix the house.

Such a schedule is not so bad if you are M but for a single parent it is difficult. I know some single parents who spend all day at the ball field every weekend.

Of course she jumps in and says she will help with the schedule. In other words, she would be glad to spend more time with the kids - my time.

I began to feel guilty b/c I would be knocking the kids out of sports this spring plus she already discussed this with them. Ex is a real "soccer mom". The kids are her whole life. That was a big problem with our M. So if I said no it would strain our recent friendly interactions as well. I told her I would get back to her.

Soon later, she pressed for an answer so I told her I thought it best we pass on baseball this year.

Her email response: "Best for whom? I beg you to put the children first."

WTF ?????????????

I almost wrote her back saying if she "put the children first" she would not have kicked their father to the curb without trying even one step to reconcile. I felt like telling her if she had put "us" first, even a few times, we would still be together. And since when is spending quality one-on-one time not putting the children first?

But I did not. I laughed it off.

But my kids got hurt. Maybe I was wrong and should have agreed. I don't know. But I do know I cannot live my life through my kids and I must make a home for them and a new life for me. I also know that I just cannot agree with her each and every time. As selfish as it sounds I also need to consider me here. I cannot be a good father if I am not healthy and if all I do is "give" and neglect me, I cannot be healthy.

Am I wrong? Was this setting a healthy boundary or did I just react to Ex pressing my buttons and hurt my kids in the process?

Divorce sucks, especially on the kids.

[frank_D]

I also know that I just cannot agree with her each and every time. As selfish as it sounds I also need to consider me here. I cannot be a good father if I am not healthy and if all I do is "give" and neglect me, I cannot be healthy.

Am I wrong? Was this setting a healthy boundary or did I just react to Ex pressing my buttons and hurt my kids in the process?

What does your logical mind say? You took time to think about it and came up with a response that fit the REALITY you are living in.

It seems to me that you made a decision based on good facts. Your kids are not 'into it'. It's likely their MOM is 'into it' and coaxed them into doing it. I think SHE needs these events to feel like she is being a good mom.

If they were TRULY into it, and hurt, they would be begging you to change your mind now don't you think?

I know my kids do not take 'no' for an answer without a fight if they really want something.

QUALITY TIME with DAD outweighs all other things. For BOTH dad and the kids.

I'm only seeing love here. Not 'little boy' spitefulness or anger.

[LeighS]

Her email response: "Best for whom? I beg you to put the children first."

WTF ?????????????

I almost wrote her back saying if she "put the children first" she would not have kicked their father to the curb without trying even one step to reconcile. I felt like telling her if she had put "us" first, even a few times, we would still be together. And since when is spending quality one-on-one time not putting the children first?

But I did not. I laughed it off.

Wow, Jeff, I would have a very hard not responding like you wanted to. It is amazing how they justify it to themselves that the kids will adjust fine with a divorce. In fact, it is because of the kids that I am DBing so hard.

[WCW]

Sorry the house is a wreck but the good side is you have the smarts and resources to make it your home again however you want it to be. I have a feeling you didn't express near the emotion in your post as you felt walking thru that house again.

You are right that xw was wrong to talk to you last about baseball. Whether she was wrong or not, IMO it boils down to what do the kids want to do, play or no? If they really do, then single dad Jeff somehow turns that into his quality time with them. Remember that it's not just your W cutting into your time, it cuts into her time too and then you see the kids each weekend and when there is ball to play.

What is your quality time with the kids? what do you do on your weekends with them?

Oh, and more snow today, again.