Had to laugh. My mlc-waw loved to do projects - tearing up bathrooms, running electrical, laying flooring - yes, impressive stuff. HGTV was one of her favorite channels. I was not good with tools, but was a capable helper and a much better painter.
In addition to her impersonation of Bob Villa, she was/is a gourmet cook (I did the dishes).
Me: 48 Ex-W: 45 M: Nov '96, together since Oct 93 Bomb: on 10-yr anni - Nov '06 OM Separated: mid-Feb '07 Divorced mid-July '08 One daughter - 28 XW living w/OM
Don't tempt me Glenda. I LOVE snow - I would love Alaska (been there - that is GOD's country but He lives in Alabama too).
JMC - I am a good cook too, and I did the dishes.
Thanks.
I guess xW crossed my boundary today. I went out to the bookstore tonight and she called my cell. I did not pick up in time but it was her, she leaves a message: for her new house she is trying to get her dryer to work. Her dad is there to help but she needs to change the 240-volt plug from three wire to four. She calls needs my help (again).
Boundary time: I did not call back. I am not her husband any longer. Hire an electrical guy is my thinking.
But I did know the answer and it was a simple answer. I felt a boundary was needed but I do not want to feel like a spiteful little boy.
I think you did just right. I give her a lot of credit (or she's pretty ballsy) for calling you to ask about her problem. Has she swallowed enough of her pride that she will ask for your help now? or is she just trying to save a buck?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Well, Jeff, if you decide adding twizzle sticks to a snow cone for R&R sounds good -- let me know. We've had about 8 inches of snow in the last 24 hours here in Anchorage. My "town" home is mostly floorless, needs paint, needs new kitchen cabinets, mold remediation in the kitchen, etc., none of which was on the disclosure. I haven't even finished unpacking as I really don't intend to stay once this place is remediated and remodeled.
BUT I did get the cabin, two old snowmachines, and I bought a trailer. I enjoy going to the cabin but it isn't on the road so I haven't gone by myself in the winter -- yet. Well, I actually never go alone -- I have two German Shepherds but they won't dig me out when I get stuck! Oh, yeah I can trailer (well reverse not so hot but I never pulled a trailer until a couple of years ago) and the cabin is RUSTIC - no inside plumbing and no running water.
Hey WCW...I keep checking but haven't found anything new from you lately in Hopefulness -- so I wandered off and started giving this poor gentleman from Alabama a hard time.
Hey Glenda, you were doing great until you mentioned dogs. Jeff doesn't like dogs. I know I know, what guy doesn't like dogs!!!!
Learn to back that trailer, I think it's as important as going forward - and you don't want to be part of the stereotype of women who can't back up! or....maybe you do, and when you get jackknifed some hunkoman can come rescue you. You lucky dawg!! I knew I shouldn't be so capable!
I heard on the news that we're colder than Moscow and Alaska and have more snow too!
Not so good for me at this point, Glenda. H reverted to his staying gone all evening, just coming home to sleep. I can't and won't go back to that again, I asked if he would tell me where he was a few evenings, he said he would not tell me, I told him to make his list to divide stuff up and let's get it done. H will ignore that unless I push, there's another cheeseless tunnel. Sorry for the hijack Jeff, I've done well with that today!
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Boundary time: I did not call back. I am not her husband any longer. Hire an electrical guy is my thinking.
But I did know the answer and it was a simple answer. I felt a boundary was needed but I do not want to feel like a spiteful little boy.
A spiteful little boy? You are not her husband any longer, but, more to the point, she is not your friend right now.
Here is the deal: Unless it's something that affects your kids directly, you have a CHOICE as to whether or not to extend yourself to her when she 'needs something'.
If you don't feel like it, then don't do it. If you DO feel like it, then do it.
Think "the annoying friend who always calls you for something". Sometimes you help them, other times you say to yourself "bleah, I don't feel like it".
Now, if you told her "drop dead! I wouldn't help you if my life depended on it!" Well, that would be the hurt little boy.
Instead, you are making choices about who you will extend your help to, and when you will do it.
Nothing more, nothing less. This is your life now. These are the choices she made and the consequences. Let her feel them or you will be robbing her of her life lesson. You wouldn't want to do that now, would you?
I give her a lot of credit (or she's pretty ballsy) for calling you to ask about her problem. Has she swallowed enough of her pride that she will ask for your help now? or is she just trying to save a buck?
No, her real father could not figure it out so she calls daddy #2. I slept on it and I don't feel guilty about not calling back. I was at the bookstore having fun (found an interesting Italian cookbook) and when I got home I just wanted to unwind - not solve her electrical problems.
She is like so many of the other walk-aways here. They seem to NEED to be "friends" so they don't have to face facts that their choices hurt another person - a person they once loved, or at least said they did. I was less than a perfect husband but no way did I "earn" the last two years. If we become "friends" she will even believe that this was a "joint" decision.
She hurt me and she quit rather than work on the M or work on her or help me through some of my problems. I have to stop being in denial about that and stop justifying her actions. She is not the sweet girl I married.
Quote:
My "town" home is mostly floorless, needs paint, needs new kitchen cabinets, mold remediation in the kitchen, etc.
Glenda, did you move into my house? That work, and more lies ahead for me. She let the place go, and I did too before I moved out. I thought about buying new but that would have hurt money wise. Besides, Norm on the New Yankee Workshop (public TV) is building a kitchen this year.
Plus the work will fill my time and keep me from running away to Alaska or such.
I think you were right too. You didn't say no to get at her, so no you're not being a winey kid. Like I've told Swashy before, who is getting similar from his XW, for the kids you are there 100%, but for her, no.
And this staying friends thing - in the news you read of couples who have stayed friends after a D, but the reason they make the news is because this is rare. During my crisis my H stated that he saw a future where we'd be D'd, maybe him with a new g/f and me with a b/f, but we'd still be friends. I stated that would not happen. Yes if we had D'd I would respect his decision, but that didn't mean I had to like it.
Your W wanted her independence, and that comes at a price. She fought you for something she could have had all the time. You were not holding her back, she did that all by herself. I still feel sorry for her. No real growing going on there, but for you loads. You are the luckier person in this.
(sorry, bit rambling, hope this makes sense. In short Jeff - you rock!)
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Hi Jeff, Catching up with your thread for the first time in quite a while... so sorry you're at this point. I think you really nailed it when you said:
Originally Posted By: Jeff223
She is like so many of the other walk-aways here. They seem to NEED to be "friends" so they don't have to face facts that their choices hurt another person - a person they once loved, or at least said they did. I was less than a perfect husband but no way did I "earn" the last two years. If we become "friends" she will even believe that this was a "joint" decision.
There's a lot of guilt in her right now - and, sucks to say it, even now there is probably still a lot of self-doubt. Sure, she'll tell herself that she made the right decision, that she was 100% sure, and she'll say the same thing to you. But I doubt that in any sitch, regardless of whether it ends here or in Piecing, things are so black and white. There's always some tiny niggling doubt, Did I do the right thing? That doesn't mean it's going to change - just that it ain't so simple as we all would like to believe sometimes.
One other bit I wanted to comment upon:
Originally Posted By: Jeff223
... a person they once loved, or at least said they did.
I think she did love you, Jeff. Maybe I'm hopelessly romantic or deluded, but I don't buy into the history rewriting that the WAS's do. Sure, things change, and people change, but that doesn't eliminate the truth of what was there once. And take heart from that - you were truly loved, once. And that proves to me, it can happen again.
Strength and honor, Jeff. You are a terrific, kind, insightful guy. Things will start looking up for you again, I have no doubt of it!
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
