Let's see . . where did I leave off in my memoirs of marriage. I hadn't really gotten very far.
Me head is full of muck! Time to offload some of it to ready for the next fresh load.
To my thread . .I have a bit of a thorn in my side, which is by no means a new development.
The situation that I married into w/ my W was one where she was married briefly b4 in 'shotgun' fashion and there lovely daughter was born some 3-4 months after. It surely is always the best for the baby/child if upon getting a D that both spouses are able to learn to cooperate in co-parenting during the 18 or so years that lie ahead b4 a brand new life will no longer be considered a 'minor'. And so on the one hand I could have been happier and admired the approach that was taken by her and her ex in how their D was raised. She has turned out to be a lovely young adult. Not to say she hasn't created some pretty nasty stirring in mine and W's marriage, especially recently, but is almost a certainty when parties move to their respective sides as a D appears imminent. There was sure no way in heck she was going to be allying with me. Her and my W are pretty much co-dependent and love to love each other as well as hate each other fm time -time. Who am I to take a stab at understanding mother/daughter relations . .ha ha.
But back to the thorn in my side. With the very amicable and admiring kind of closenes that has been pretty much a hallmark in the relationship between my W and her ex . .there is a stink that emanates from that relationship. When I say that I am neither ravenously jealous(although I don't claim to be immune fm jealousy completely), nor do I at this time believe that there have been attempts to reignite a flame between them romantically or physically. The characterization that my wife would periodically offer up about her relationship with him was that she knew almost instantly that their's was a R which was not sustainable or something to that effect. And that she had for as long as could remember viewed him with the kind of love reserved for a brother (and she didn't hail fm Arkansas .sorry to offend any natives). My wife has made many strides in her life to overcome the lousy deal (understatement)she was given early on and I commend her for it . .usually silently though. One of the lingering issues, of which there is no shortage, is her ignorance or lack of adherance to boundaries or tactfulness. I don't necesarily believe that those are instinctive things but more ones you have to learn and her early household was not a model one. So she fails to see, understand or obviously respect boundaries pertaining to her and her ex. This is so F . .ing messed up.
Hi Tomato, Just ckecking around and i have to agree with jwm. you sound angry. Not that you don't have a right to be. I was angry w/ H when he asked me for D. Question: Does that anger come across when you speak to her? Is it helping you reach your goal?
As respects to boundries and tactfulness: she either respect boundries as respects to XH or she won't. Whose boundries are they? Are they yours or hers? Do both of you clearly know and understand the boundries? If they are your boundries, they are yours to enforce. I guess i'm just not clear. I think it's very important that everyone knows where their boundries lie and that they are responsible for enforcing their own.
For instance: one of my boundries: I will not continue in a M that is detrimental to my health and physical or mental well being or that of my children. H knows this. I told him this when I told him ILYBNILWY. Things have since gotten better, if things go back down the wrong path, it is MY job to make sure that he gets a reminder and that I do what i need to do to enforce that.
best not to try and figure out the mother/daughter R. I (as a daughter) will not even attempt to figure out the R between my own mother and my sister. Scary ground...
Keep a personal inventory of your thoughts and feelings. I keep a journal that I write how I'm feeling and why i think i feel that way at the time and my response and H reaction. Later i can go back and see how things have changed and which things trigger different reactions in myself. This can be a great time for you to take a deep look inside and learn about yourself.
If i can't fall in love... I'd like to fall in chocolate! ~ Author Unknown
Have you gotten DR yet. You need to decide what you want? Then start using the tactics. You are angry and we all go through that, but if it is driving you then it will ruin your chances. You need to take control of you, that is the only real control you have. Let W do her thing for now. Just let her be, don't push or pull on her at all. Just leave her alone.
Thx for stopping by. And thanks for the reality check on my anger level. It feels to me like it is only on a slow simmer. But I am a firm believer that I am not necessarily the best judge of that. I am fairly certain that this issue has been one of a bunch which my W finds particular fault with.
I don't think that it even approaches an unmanageable level in me though and I sure have been using extra vigilance about this during the very infrequent contact that I have with W. I wasn't at all in GAL mode today. Did more moping or rather comtemplating than anything else today.
I will be placing a call to my sweetheart foster girl/daughter very shortly and I am sure that will provide some pick me up to my day. She can do that for me with out even trying.
I hope everyone is well in some way or another. Glory be to God.
Well, time to throw a brief update on here. It was an eventful last 12 hrs for me. I am feeling kinda sleepy and will be heading off to the 'sandman' here shortly (I have an inverted work schedule).
While the front half of yesterday was kind of like quicksand for me, things took a very unexpected turn last night. My W works until 8:30 each night and that is about the time I get started with my job. So that has never been a catalyst for improving communication or any part of a R for that matter. When your communication is basically relegated to cell phones as the primary means things will deteriorate and they did with us.
Back to the unexpected twist which at least provided some positive motion to my day. Two nights ago I spoke to her to urge if to get moving on contacting Children & youth if she was as definite about D as she has led me to believe. She balked at making the call so I told her I would talk to her again about it in a day. I spoke to her as she was leaving work last night to see if she was agreeable to a further discussion about the foster girl matters at 11:00 last night when I would have a break fm my work. Not only did she agree to this but what came next was quite shocking to me. She suggested that 'why don't you come over my apartment for our talk (@ 11 last night)and then just get your 4 hr nap here to make things easy for you'. Certainly without much hesitation I said fine to that.
Once that brief but upbeat call wrapped up, my heart rate picked up a tad bit (who my kiddin, a lot)and I proceeded to fetch all my personal grooming/ hygiene items for good measure. Then I put a few words on a post it note - as keep your head focused properly items. At the top of my very brief list was 1)Zero Expectations. In the three intervening hours from my appt setting call to W she managed to fall asleep and although aparently not in bed when I showed up she may has well have been. She wasn't feeling well physically, unfortunately poor health is the norm for her.
For me to have spent the night in our marital bed after not having been able to for about the last 45 days is quite the blessing. It would even be a blessing if her intent of having me there last night was to hand me D papers, which although it didn't happen surely did cross my mind for a half second.
It was a moving day for me in the end even though as I said the beginnings of it were rather quicksand-like and had people on here detecting anger fm me. Whether moving towards a cliff or away from way the movement was enjoyable to me. You gotta live life in the moment. The good Lord takes care of the rest.
Speaking of rest, time for my siesta (this one's unpaid . .damn)
Well that was kind of a long 'little bit' of hibernation. But I have emerged from the extended weekend in one piece (if not peace).
A little horeseback riding on Sat w/ my daughter (in my eyes). Then a Sunday AM brief gym workout (which daughter accompanied me to but sitch moderately 'came off the tracks', followed by an eve family get together where she gotta pretty uncomfortable being around a bunch of new faces. And to top off what was supposed to be our wrap up weekend day together on Monday I took her to the E.R. as a precaution because she has been complaing of recurring sharp abdominal RH side pains. So we wound up spending all day and part of Mon eve in waiting pattern in a room in E.R. But I was there for her (whether phantom symptoms or not)and felt good about showing her what a "real dad" is like, since she has never had 1.
Hey Tomato - Sounds like you had a good weekend. Hope D is doing well. It's awesome that you are able to be there for her and support her and show her what love is.
Hows everything else going?
If i can't fall in love... I'd like to fall in chocolate! ~ Author Unknown
Hey Tomato - Sounds like you had a good weekend. Hope D is doing well. It's awesome that you are able to be there for her and support her and show her what love is.
Hows everything else going?
During the extended weekend there was at least 1 avoidable non-DB phone conversation which my D overheard my raising my voice @ W. And of course she asked why I was yelling @ "mom". I simply said that I didn't realize that I had started yelling and didn't mean to. I told D I was sorry for upsetting her. But the damage was done by my screw up. So, because of D's background (severe PTSD among other things)the rest of the weekend she gradually went into her shell and started triangulating between me & W. Kinda the good cop bad cop scenario.
But I live and learn (I hope) and the weekend certainly had its up moments. It was not a complete bust by any means.
Now to prepare for a return call to W to further iron out specifics/logistics as the divorce freight train continues down the rails.
Thanks 4 the companionship Ann.
P.s Guess I gotta practice some more on how 2 do the quote thingamajig since it almost but didn't quite work (kinda like my marriage)
Geez , don't know when that happened and if it is a good sign or not but I guess somewhere along the line my Junior DB license got upgraded (or downgraded) to official full member status. The little things.
