LOL... i love that... I'm sure it would go over really well. hehe I might actually say something like that. We always joke around, so it would be funny!
I agree. I think his thing is more, if you are considering getting a tattoo, then i think it should be my name, but I wouldn't ask you to do that... (but I'll get mad at you if you don't agree. Go figure )
let's just hope it doesn't come up again.
If i can't fall in love... I'd like to fall in chocolate! ~ Author Unknown
I think i did bad last night. I think i caught myself about halfway through, but i don't know if i fixed anything.... This is going to be long, i can already tell... sorry if it doesn't make any sense.
H is gumpy again. Not as bad, but grumpy. He tells me how he's watching some show during the day and then asks me what celebrity I think is hot. Who am i attracted to? Oh geez... Well, I honestly can't think of anyone off the top of my head. I told him that. He says come on, there's got to be someone... So i told him if it was really important to him, that I'd flip through a magazine and find someone. I asked him who he was attracted to, "I asked you first"... ok, whatever.
I flip through 4 weeks of Us Weekly. Couldn't find one that i was really attracted to. I told him that there are a lot of very attractive celebrities out there, but I couldn't think of one and If I saw one i'd let him know. He was pissed off... I couldn't understand why it was such a big deal.
Suddenly, he starts treating me differently. He went to get in the shower (normally he'd tell me, instead i heard running water and asked). He seemed to be looking for something and I asked what. He said, just something. I asked if he needed my help. No, wouldn't want to bother you. I said it's no bother, what do you need. He says, don't worry about it. FINE... Later i asked him why and he said that he was mad and was just doing his own thing. This is how he gets. He gets mad and we are no longer H&W, he is him and I am me and we takes a while to get back to.
I go in the bedroom and wait for him to get ready for the shower and i ask him what is wrong? What happened in the last 20 minutes that caused this anger in him? He said that if i can't even be honest about thinking a celebrity is cute or having a fantasy, that there must be someone in real life that i'd rather have. Oh man... I reassure him that is not the case. That i love him. That if it's that important, i'd find someone. He says don't even worry about it and gets in the shower.
So i'm crying, part frustration, part confusion, part sadness that he is still thinking that way so strongly.
I go back into the living room, start picking up a little. H comes out and announces that he's going to bed. OK. I start shutting off lights and the tv and check on the girls. I get in bed, and say goodnight. He says, yeah, goodnight.
I ask him what's on his mind. Lots about how he feels like I wouldn't tell him if i thought someone else is cute. (i have mentioned that a guy is good looking in the past, haven't recently though given the sitch, thought it better not to) He thinks that i don't tell him how i feel. That he wakes up every morning thinking that today might be the day that i say i'm done with him. that he keeps having to try and do stuff for me because if he's not perfect one day, that i might find someone else. Goes on and on about how he has all these bad dreams and thoughts during the day. How he hates mexicans and the troops. How I keep everything from him and I'm probably out telling someone else how i feel...
UH OH... i was upset and reacted without a whole lot of thought. I think if it hadn't been for some of the things you all have told me to say, i really would have screwed it all up...
I told him that there is noone else i'm talking to. That I've been doing everything in my power to show him that I'm not going to make a mistake like that ever again. that He doesn't tell me what he needs from me, so I can only do what I think is best in regards to him trusting me and not worrying. I'm sorry he's having bad dreams and thoughts, but I can't control that. I can't control the fact that he sits here and thinks about it all day long. I have no control over the emotions that he is feeling. That I only have control over me and my actions. I told him that I have forgiven myself, God has forgiven me and although i don't expect him to forgive and start trusting again in any set time frame that eventually he has to, he has to put this behind him and focus on the now and the future or he will never get past this. the hatred that he's holding for these large groups of people will hold us back because (IMO) hanging on to that will be a constant reminder of what happened. I asked if he hated me. He said that was just stupid. I told him it was my fault and that mexicans in general and the troops in general didn't do anything to him. I told him that i can understand how right now, it probably hurts him to think about those groups because it makes him think of EA, but that his being hispanic and in the army had nothing to do with it. That if he refuses to let go of that anger he won't get past this and we, as a couple, can't move forward. I said that I love him and that's why I'm here trying, but unless he gives me something specific to do, that I can only do what seems right to me.
Silence....
I asked him what he heeded from me. He needs me to share my feelings with him more. (took about 30 minutes for him to explain how i wasn't and what he wants, which i still don't entirely understand, but i don't go on about that.)
He asked why his grabbing and groping (not his words) bothered me so much. Why i always eventually push him away. I think i might have realized a part of the reason why... Immediately after EA, H made me have sex with him. It wasn't at gun point or anything, but I was hardly in a position to say no and i would have. It hurt like hell and I cried the whole time and he eventaully stopped. I let him do what he wanted. I know (for some reason) that he needed that. I just laid there in bed and cried. He said a simple sorry after he was done and never said anything about it afterwards and I did my very best to forget about it. Anyways... i told him that since all his groping and stuff started afterwards, that maybe(cause i'm not even sure) subconciously, i'm relating it to that. I don't know, but i feel like an object rather than the W that he says he loves. That didn't get a good reaction. oh well... I eventually fell asleep.
D3 crawled into bed w/ us at about 5:30. I didn't realize what time it was and let her. H got all pissed off because i let her lay with me in bed. Why didn't i make her get up and go back to bed. Probably cause i was half asleep and just wanted to go back to sleep, i dunno, wasn't really thinking. Anyways. H didn't wake up this morning, i just went to work. called him on the way and left a message. Just called him at 9:45 to wake him up because i knew he had a phone meeting at 10.
It's funny (not haha)that I noticed that he does things like the tattoo conversation a lot. You have to answer me, I don't have to give you any answer and I'm going to be mad when I don't hear what i want. I want you to be honest with me, but I'm going to be mad. He kept saying that i wouldn't answer him about the celebrity question. I told him that i did, it just wasn't the answer he had wanted to hear...
And now... we have a dr appt today. Ultrasound. Hopefully we find out if we are having a little boy or girl or both (twins run on his side)... who knows?
If i can't fall in love... I'd like to fall in chocolate! ~ Author Unknown
I go in the bedroom and wait for him to get ready for the shower and i ask him what is wrong? What happened in the last 20 minutes that caused this anger in him? He said that if i can't even be honest about thinking a celebrity is cute or having a fantasy, that there must be someone in real life that i'd rather have. Oh man... I reassure him that is not the case. That i love him. That if it's that important, i'd find someone. He says don't even worry about it and gets in the shower.
You didnt screw up in what you did, Ann. He's being a jerk. He's getting all angry at you, about his guilt.
What is probably going on here, is that he was/has been drooling over some celeb.. .then got curious as to who you might find attractive.
He then felt like a drooling schmuck when you revealed to him that you dont do that sort of thing. If he could have gotten you to admit "you do it too", then he wouldnt feel guilty. Rather than deal with his own guilt, he tried to force you to admit something that wasnt true.
He's justified what he's doing, as "well, it's ok.. everyone does it." but when confronted with proof that "everyone" does NOT do it... he'd rather attempt to rewrite reality, than change his own behaviour, and admit to himself that he was in the wrong.
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[i told him that]i feel like an object rather than the W that he says he loves. That didn't get a good reaction.
sounds like he doesnt react well, when told, directly, or implied, that he isnt doing something right. I think you just need to stay calm and not be reactive to that, and it will be ok.
Interesting revelation that you had about, "feeling like an object", rather than feeling loved. Makes sense to me, at least.
What kind of approach from his side, WOULD make you feel loved, rather than "groped", as foreplay for sex? Maybe you should come up with some answers for yourself, and then let him know. Sounds like that could solve a major issue between you two.
Hopefully, it's more a matter of finding a different lead-up to sex, rather than "you just dont really want sex/intimacy at all" with H.
Last edited by Dom R; 01/17/0806:32 PM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
You didnt screw up in what you did, Ann. He's being a jerk. He's getting all angry at you, about his guilt. What is probably going on here, is that he was/has been drooling over some celeb.. .then got curious as to who you might find attractive.He then felt like a drooling schmuck when you revealed to him that you dont do that sort of thing. If he could have gotten you to admit "you do it too", then he wouldnt feel guilty. Rather than deal with his own guilt, he tried to force you to admit something that wasnt true.
wow... i didn't even think of that. Makes sense. he kept talking about this show with celebrities on it, but not really telling me anything about it, just that he watched it and then blurted out that question. I seriously don't look at people and think, oh wow - they are hot unless they are like amazing, but even so, i don't spend time thinking about it, so i couldn't come up with anything.
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sounds like he doesnt react well, when told, directly, or implied, that he isnt doing something right. I think you just need to stay calm and not be reactive to that, and it will be ok.
He doesn't react well. i actually got really calm after that. I just kinda got to the point where I'm sitting there talking and getting either yelled at or ignored, so why bother. I just told him the he has to figure out all the stuff in his head and that if there was anything I could do to help him with that, i'd be more than happy, but all i have personal control over is my thoughts, actions and reactions.
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Interesting revelation that you had about, "feeling like an object", rather than feeling loved. Makes sense to me, at least.What kind of approach from his side, WOULD make you feel loved, rather than "groped", as foreplay for sex? Maybe you should come up with some answers for yourself, and then let him know. Sounds like that could solve a major issue between you two.
This was him more asking about other times. For instance, i'm doing dishes or getting something out of the fridge and he comes up behind me and squeezes something, slides a hand down my pants or grinds himself up against me etc... 1st off, my little ones are running around and kissing and showing affection in front of them is good, but I don't think they need to see all that. Also, i'm busy. He says i don't clean well enough, then interrupts me 5 or 6 times with this. It all feels like it's just his way of saying "MINE". I told him, it's not even so bad, but everytime it's the same thing. If he would come in and give me a little kiss and hug instead everyonce and a while, i probably wouldn't be so put off, but the other stuff. I don't know what would make me feel loved. I think i really need to figure that out.
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Hopefully, it's more a matter of finding a different lead-up to sex, rather than "you just dont really want sex/intimacy at all" with H.
I hope so too... i really hope so!
I told H last night that if he wanted to see a C that i could help him find one. He said MC didn't work. I told him that I understand that he feels that way. I was talking about just for him because I was thinking of going again on my own to help me and if he was interested, I'd help him, he should just let me know. he didn't like that, but he really needs it and i said it, so oh well. I know I need to see one again. I need someone to help me figure out what's going on in my head and what to do about it.
If i can't fall in love... I'd like to fall in chocolate! ~ Author Unknown
from a guys perspective i can understand why you arent attracted to your husband. it is just tastless in my opinion. nothing sexy about it.
m-54 w-44 children-4 bomb-sept 21 2007 t-21 m-20yrs bomb-sept 23 2007 divorced but not giving up hope, not yethttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#post1224023
I might actually say something like that. We always joke around, so it would be funny!
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