status

[fb2]

Lan, W was receptive of me dropping the kids off. I also sent some stuff from the house that earlier she'd asked D11 to "steal". She actually called the next morning and left a thank you message on my answering machine.

[fb2]

What I'd like to focus on and master:
1) Deactivating my buttons. There was a time I'd react angrily to her personal attacks but now I won't take it personally.
2) Validation and acknowlegement. Even if she insists the moon is made of blue cheese and I'm the most horrible man I will sincerely validate. I will thank and praise her at every opportunity.

Time to take stock ...

So far I've focused on the above goals to do directly with W and looks like I've made reasonable progress for which I'm very grateful. I will continue along this path. I think underlying this is learning to "detach" from "everything" not just from W.

Secondarily I've started to dress better, go the the gym, meet old friends, read more books, etc. All these are not directly related to W but have propped up my self esteem and I'm grateful for the time and resources gifted to me in order to do this.

I'm still very scared of being "divorced", of the financial and legal burden, the future of my kids, loneliness, etc. when I dwell on these matters. But I'm too busy and somewhat detached to mope.

I don't know my next major goal regarding W and the D!? But again I think its got to be something where I work on myself to become a better person and a better dad, with or without W. So I will improve my empathy, kindness, generosity and courage.

I'd like to see W expressing a desire to withdraw the D and work on the M but that's a distant dream not a goal. Does anyone have good suggestions for positive, realistic, action-orient goals directed at W given where I'm now?

[Lanzo]

Lan, W was receptive of me dropping the kids off. I also sent some stuff from the house that earlier she'd asked D11 to "steal". She actually called the next morning and left a thank you message on my answering machine.

I would say you need to develop even more positive interactions with W, this kind of thing is a good start. Listen to things W has said to you in the past and turn them into positives, this is one example.

Anyone else any ideas ?

Lan

[fb2]

HELP!!! Tho' W has phoned me directly a few times, I've initiated *all* the weekly meetings in the last month mostly on the pretext of discussing S7's progress. Each time I schedule a meeting I sense some hesitancy in W - "do we really need to meet in person ... what do we need to discuss ... I'm busy with ... ?". Then I say "it's really up to you" and then she agrees to meet. So though she seems considerably toned down and the meetings have been positive I feel I'm in a danger zone unless: (1) W initiates meetings or (2) the agenda expands from just S7.

On the financial/legal front things are also still in limbo. W has been given a series of ultimatums by my lawyer but is still sitting tight. The lawyers really have no control. So either its (1) mutual agreement between the H and W or (2) it goes to court - neither seems to be happening and I've been patient for months. I'm reluctant to discuss these matters directly with W because she's been dishonest/unreasonable so far. So I've been mostly waiting it out instead.

I feel I've somehow got to take things to the next level if W does not take some positive initiative soon. But I don't know how. HELP?!

[Lanzo]

Hey fb2,

If it works keep doing it. W keeps turning up to the meetings so keep doing it. If she didn't want to meet you she wouldn't turn up. The object of the exercise is not so much the subject matter, but it's about getting her used to being around you in a non confrontational situation. If you want to change the subject matter or the pretext, listen carefully to her when you next meet. Is there something in the conversation that you could use as a topic for a further meeting. All the clues will be with her.

With all the legal stuff all I can say is leave it to the lawyers.

Your still doing good though.

Lan

[fb2]

Thanks Lan. Every so often it take some encouragement for me to go on and I appreciate your nudges.

[fb2]

Met W for breakfast this morning at a cafe. Sbe gives me a ride there in "her" car. I informed her about about S7s progress and what I had done so far to get him tested, etc. We discussed S7. She rambled on about other stuff - her work, the school, the teachers, etc. I listened. I validated. I listened.

Then she tells me that I'm looking more relaxed living on my own and maybe that's a good thing for me. I validate that too. Actually "her" new car was a sorry mess - littered with empty bottles, papers, food wrappings, credit card receipts, parking tickets, stains on the seats, and it reminded me of what life was like with her. I used to clean both cars of this stuff when she was around and it used to annoy me.

Then she starts harping on the legal stuff - she wants her final settlement, half my retirement and quotes numbers out of thin air. She hates her lawyer now (of course she hates mine more). I start to back off and tell her that I'm leaving all this to my lawyer. I try to bring the focus back to the kids but she kept going at it and tears started to well up in her eyes. I finally told her that I'm living in the red and may have to sell the house in order to make ends meet. But she kept at it. Things where heating up so I finally told her I have to get back to work and maybe we can talk about it later.

[fb2]

W is best friends with another divorced women who has a D12. They have been spending lots of time together over the last 8 months and think the world of each other and so what W is doing on the D front gets "validated. I hear about it from the kids and from W herself. Not a good sign.

[fb2]

So here's what bothers me most today. Tho' W has cooled off considerable over the last few weeks and is more amicable she seems still unrelenting on the D. It seems like what she wants is to settle things in her favor financially directly with me as the lawyers have not bought into her false claims. Should I ask my lawyer to come down hard, take her to court and finish it up? Am I on page 152 of DR!? I'm getting tired of her nonsense. I'd like to see some perspectives on this from experienced DBers.

[ann25]

Fb2... this is going to take time... "patience is a virtue" "good things come to those who wait" ...

Right now, she's probably thinking "this is nice, we can be friends through the D process" That's better where you were right? I know that my H and i were friends first and then i fell in love with him. Let her continue to see what a great guy you are and how far you've come. Friendship can lead her to remembering why she loved you in the first place. You just have to give her time. Obviuosly there are no guarantees, but it's certainly a better place than you were in.

hang in there...