No worries, Bethie. Two running threads for one person confuses me, too.
Wes, that red beer must be a midwestern thing, as my X and her Dad did that, too. I just couldn't get myself to ruin a good beer that way...
On another note, I wouldn't worry too much about the kids not bringing up that sort of D talk. That may happen years and years later, or not at all. S8 seems to need to process it. Maybe the more fictional propaganda or historical revisioning that occurs, the more a child needs to ask someone, "is it just me, or do I remember myself/us as happy and the family as a good thing?" The about-face can really throw a little person, even a big person...
I was thinking the other day how I still have not a single video of his baby years or todderhood. Makes my blood start to boil before I simmer down with my mantra, "Serenity Now!"
Joe - Nyquil? Theraflu? Those were part of our lecture on a recent weekend about substances, including sniffing permanent markers.
What ever happened to the days when a kid could settle back comfortably in his desk to guzzle some good ol' Elmer's glue without getting hassled by anyone?
We had another flag football game - got beaten pretty soundly. Yet we did well, considering only 3-4 kids have made most of the practices. When I asked, "What did we learn today?" after the game, I did so 'cause I could see the hurt in their eyes. I pointed out that we often learn so much more from our mistakes than from our successes. I also pointed out that I learned that we need to practice more, with several parents voicing a renewed commitment to get them there.
I find myself watching these little people with amazement. They learn so quickly, and are wonderfully silly. They're kids.
My X's nearly whole family showed for the game. They sat off in a far corner - no cheering, no support of S8, just watching. Eerie. She had managed to dress S8 in another players jersey (too small; must have gotten the other kid's during a play date last week), and left S8's jersey at home, and dressed him in illegal shorts. So on top of it being picture day, I had to deal with being one jersey short for the team photo and S8 in tears about not being able to play.
I felt the way I remember feeling during the M. I'm not a control freak, but it's a sign of self-centeredness to repeatedly be well prepared for one's own business, but to drop the ball in so many ways for one's loved ones. I felt helpless b/c the jersey and things were at her place, and I had assumed she'd prepare him. Despite preparing well with plays, player snacks, checking with kids and parents, my son had a less pleasant time in part due to her and their behavior.
She pushed for this extra weekend with S8 due to family being in town, and I dumbly said yes, with her following that up with requests for me to take S8 here and there so that she and the adults can go do adult things. Today I pointed out that she had asked for the full weekend - my weekend - and now was attempting to twist things to appear as if I didn't want my son. Unfortunately, I booked work, including a business dinner tonight - all things I never would have scheduled were I to have him.
When I pointed out that I regularly help her to meet work obligations by watching him in a "you scratch my back, I scratch yours" way, she yelled out "Excuse me? That's kind of inappropriate!" and got off the phone. Likely for the benefit her audience/family , but just plain weird, icky.
Anyway, please send a few prayers of protection my way. I feel the weight of a lot of negative, ill-intended presences directed toward me. I hope this/they all blow out of town soon. And I'll remember this in the future in terms of saying yes to her having S8 again.
You're in a tough spot. If S8 has any connections with her family at all, you would come across as the "meanie" if you didn't make changes in your weekend plans while they're in town. It doesn't sound like they made anything special of their time with him, but you can probably guess how your "stubbornness" would have been portrayed to him.
You're doing good by S8, though, and he may not always verbalize it, but you can bet he notices who makes him a priority and who doesn't.
Hey, I hope the extra practice time will help out. Gotta get your guys as happy as all those color-blind Packers fans down your way are after yesterday's game, right?
Thanks,
Joe
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
Wasn't that last Packers-Seahawks game an instant classic? Wow, Favre having fun throwing TDs and snowballs at his receivers. I'll be shocked if he retires, no matter what the outcome of these playoffs.
You're right that I'd be the badguy. But I'm the badguy now for letting her have him. X is in an icky place again. She's throwing mistruths at me "I've had him for 4 straight weekends" when such claims are blatantly false. We were in friggin Phillie then!
It's not quite psychotic - just very immature lashing out. She wanted him, but she didn't want him. I can't keep up with that kind of waffling, and it can't happen, not with my son.
S8 shared that he overheard his Mom saying, "I had one chance to have fun on my BDay, and now it's gone!" on the telephone Sun night. My heart sunk as I asked him how hearing that made him feel, and he said, "You know how we wanna do things on your BDay? I thought she'd want me to..." then broke off, choking up. I could tell he didn't really want to say more, so I just hugged him and kissed the top of his head. FL: "You are an awesome little boy, S8. Just incredible." S8: "That's why I like being with you. You're my best parent." I said somethings about his mother loving him, about how he'll find good and bad in each of us, and noted how I had scheduled work for the part of the weekend we had planned for her to have him. I clarified this last part b/c I wanted to undue any falsehoods about my choosing to be away from him. I would never reject my son, and I wanted him to hear that again, so that there was one home he would know he always has access to.
But it killed me to hear the sense of rejection in his voice.
Why can't some folks just grow up? Wisdom sure don't come with BDays.
Continue to be the great Dad you are and less focus on her; it is probably not healthy, we don't talk about their Mom around here unless it has to do with schedules. She's not in our life, so no need to include her.
Did you mention to x in a neutral way, this was not true and she had requested S for the weekend and you are curious why she might say something like that?
No, we don't talk much about her, either. He was just very upset this time. He literally leapt into my arms running from her car, shouting "Dad, I missed you!" Moments like these are a validation of our love, but also a worry, as I don't see those moments toward her. I want to see them, but I don't. However, it may be that their R is just different.
While with me, S8 does kid stuff and we are very busy each day with things like homework, football, piano lessons, cub scout meetings. All around which I sandwich Dad's brought-to-home work.
In a sense, life goes on, and as it has gone on, X has been crowded out of my home. We mention her - along with others - at bedtime prayers, and he seems to feel free to spontaneously comment on his time with her from time to time.
The moments in which he questions me or bring up stuff that hurt him to me (either with her or with me), I don't see as unhealthy, Bruce. Its open communication, and it's him using me as a resource to help him thru childhood. But you're right - the questioning about the other parent and other household wouldn't be good for a child. We don't do that, and I don't get the sense of a lot of that happening with her. I think we're well past that stage of the S/D.
There is a part of me that's been wrestling with the Bible verse, "If today you hear His voice, do not harden your hearts as you did in the rebellion." I perceive this to be more about not closing oneself to God's will - which might lead one to any range of possibilities. Yet, I do wonder about my lack of any feelings toward X at this point.
Do I have a hardened heart? Or am I just healed in part from the D and the loss of that R?
I don't believe it to be hardening; I think simply at some we have to move on or we make ourselves emotionally and physically sick. We can unconditionally love this person forever, but it will not change their perceptions, behaviors, thoughts, actions; at some point we have to become neutral to let go of the past.
And you're right. How many of us felt absolutely drained by that whole S/D process?
This feels a heck of a lot healthier, hey?
Coaching the little guys tomorrow. X left with S8, so he'll miss the game. About half my players are from D'd parents, so it's interesting to see the back-n-forth b/t the parents. The boys just seem to want to walk onto the field and be boys, to enjoy the game and not have to deal with any of that.
Why would S missed the game because he is with his Mom? Even when the boys are with their Mom they made games, practices, etc. This is part of being a parent, being involved in your children's activities and making the committment for them.
down your way are after yesterday's game, right?