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[ann25]

Hi fb2 - You sound like you are doing a great job. Not everything is going to be perfect, but definite forward motion.

Good job in not reacting to Ws jabs at you. She is looking for that reaction. She needs to be able to justify what she's doing and everything you do wrong, is a point in her favor as far as she's concerned.

I guess it depends on the W, but if she's being bitter, humor may only make her think that you are making light of her issue. Maybe (in that specific instance) "i understand how that could bother you, but they really all had a wonderful trip so it wasn't really a big deal at the time." I don't know.

Keep rolling along. You sound like you are doing well and making some great baby steps with W.

[fb2]

Ann thanks - turns out I said something precisely along those lines and it shut her up so I feel reassured. But often I've not been so nimble and felt like putting my foot in my mouth.

I recall another jab that day that I was annoying D11 by checking her math H/W and asking her to fix mistakes. I think this is my duty after discussing it with her teachers and other parents who expect this. I'm concerned for D11 that W treats her too much like a "friend/confidant". I don't want to bribe D11 with goodies like W does but I don't want W to continue to use her as a leg to stand on and as a catalyst to attack me. I've been advised by some to seek C for D11 and then by others that she will resent me if I do as it will put a lot of pressure on her. I've also been advised to try to get W to go to "co-parenting" classes/counseling. But these are all very sensitive moves to make. Meanwhile I'm looking for some simple/positive/healthy way to handle D11 to stop this behavior without making her feel responsible for it.

[ann25]

It's so hard with kids, girls especially (i think) because this is a crucial time for them. While they will get influenced by outside sources, Mom and Dad are the primary teachers of basic life skills.

I'm sure your W treats D like a friend. She needs her on her side. D is going to be more inclined to want that. My dad did this with my sister and she really struggled with it, still does a little. Now, she hardly speaks with him because she can see (now that she's older) what was happening. You are probably trying to teach her to be responsible and I can't think of any 11YO that wants that. Definately keep doing what your doing in that regard. w is hurting D by doing what she's doing, so at least you need to be a good dad, like you are.

You might look into the counseling for D. I don't think she will resent you for it if you can make it fun for her. Find a woman, someone fairly young, a place that works primarily with children, so it is kid friendly. When i was younger my C had me draw pictures rather than talk sometimes. I know you don't want to bribe her, but maybe something like saying that after the C you all could go get some icecream or something. Think of it as rewarding positive behavior more than a bribe.

[fb2]

Thanks Ann - will have to choose the right time for D11's C. One change I made is to stop the weekly "allowance" for chores that W had instituted. Now I have non-monetary rewards for good behavior like going to a movie, for ice-cream, etc. The kids now willingly help me out in the house!

W just called to say she was sick and going to see the Dr - that's a change - I did not sympathize or it come across as being in "control". She discussed S7's progress - I validate a bunch of her comments - I then told her something funny S7 had done and she burst out laughing - another change - couldn't do this earlier tho' the DB "coach" recommended it 6 months ago. Until a month ago W would be either attacking me or in tears every meeting.

[Lanzo]

My friend, soon you will be able to pass on the knowledge of withstanding the anger of the WAW.

Lanzo

[fb2]

Thanks for keeping up with the saga Lan and for your nudges in the right direction. Of course I'm not assuming anything, jumping to any conclusions or celebrating anything significant yet. The whole thing could blow up in my face tomorrow like a bad Chemistry Lab experiment and even in the best case there's still a looong way to go! All I can say is I'm on board now with this DB science for whatever its worth. I'm a terribly persistent guy - a trait that comes in useful - but it could rub W the wrong way too.

[fb2]

W is quite sick with flu, etc. the last couple of days. She has to pick up the kids Fri evening - they spend the next week with her. I talked to her this morning and she sounded bad. I could sympathize with her, offer to keep the kids longer or to drop them off at her place. But I'm not sure if I should because it may set her off again - I'm trying to be as detached as possible while still keeping communication open. Any thoughts?

[fb2]

I just read my entire thread again to see if I've missed anything important. Thanks Lan, Ann, Atlas, Betterman ...

[Lanzo]

W is quite sick with flu, etc. the last couple of days. She has to pick up the kids Fri evening - they spend the next week with her. I talked to her this morning and she sounded bad. I could sympathize with her, offer to keep the kids longer or to drop them off at her place. But I'm not sure if I should because it may set her off again - I'm trying to be as detached as possible while still keeping communication open. Any thoughts?

Show your caring side on this one, offer to help her, if she turns you down then at least you can say you offered.

[Lanzo]

Hi fb2,

It's been good giving you advise and helping you find your feet, I know only too well how important it is in the early days to feel like you've got a friend who's guiding you along the way. I'll be around as long as you keep posting.

Like you I am afraid to celebrate small steps forwards because they can easily back fire on you just when you think your doing good. However I've been reading some of your other post and I think you've definitely got the hang of this DB stuff. Remember thought DB is just the framework we operate in, sometimes it has to be modified to suit our individual sitch.

So as you say there's still a long way to go.