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[fb2]

Thanks Lan ... will look forward to your post.

I had a setback on the IC as the C that was recommended to me and whom I'd seen once a few months ago does not accept my insurance and is also going away for a month. Paying her in full for several sessions I'd need would be quite expensive. Its hard to find a good counselor - there are so many of them and most are not very effective - so this is going to need more research.

On a positive note I started working out today with weights. I also will do yoga and walking/biking. I'm skinny enough and don't need to loose weight. But even if this does not no anything to attract women or impress W it would be good for my health. I'm feeling better already with the muscle tone.

[Lanzo]

Hi fb2

The tone was still friendly - no hostility - this has been the case for the 3-4 times she's called/met in the last month or so. I'm still not sure how to interpret this - either she wants to be closer or she's quite happy with being separated, free of me and financially well off?!

W is in a zone with no pressure from you, and you are not pursing her so you need to keep that balance, keep her in that mood. Effectively you've dropped the rope and she's floating around in her new freedom. She's gonna do some more floating, maybe even some mad stuff before she comes back to you. So be prepared for some ups and downs. But keep talking to her and keep it friendly, even when it comes to money.

Hey, try this when you next talk to her, "I'm not sure when we can next meet, so can you schedule something which is convenient for you" this puts the onus back on her for your next meeting.

It's good that you are working out, it's good for PMA and self confidence. I stopped going out really when I got married. But since working out, buying new cloths, and hitting the town with new friend, the women are positively attracted to me. I'm like the me of 15 years ago. Unfortunately for them I'm not in a position to take advantage of it, but it's a great ego booster for me. Should work for you to if you try it.

[fb2]

Thanks Lan, Your suggestion worked like a charm! Just called D11 to find out how she's doing and if she's ready to go back to school. Asked to speak with W who agreed to meet Monday; W sounded like an angel (from hell of course ;). I too gave up the little I did outside after getting married. I like your rope analogy and ways of "taking stock" - maybe I'll paint the town red some day ;-)

[fb2]

I picked up the kids last night from W. Both were sick. S7 was too sick to go to school this morning so I'm staying home with him. I have nobody to help or babysit. So not sure if I can meet W today. Called her to give her an update. I think single parenthood short changes every member of the family.

W wanted to talk on the phone instead but I said its better we meet in person. Again not sure if she's calmer now because she's *sitting pretty* with a long rope and lots of cash in the bank or if she has *any* other better intent - too early to say. She still seems dictatorial, opinionated, judgmental, dismissive, stubborn, etc. which are all dangerous/imature personality traits in an R. Anyway these things are not in my control so will have to see how events shape up.

[fb2]

W seems to have just heard from the lawyers and is paranoid and a bit hostile again. She asked me if I've heard anything from my lawyer and I said what Lan advised and that I didn't want to talk about it further. She asked why I want to meet her and I said it was to discuss S7's progress at school, etc. Then she said "can't we talk on the phone" instead. So I said its better to talk about this in person but its fine if you don't want to meet and then she agreed to meet.

So I don't want her to think I'm playing games with wanting to meet her. At the same time the legal/financial stuff is really taking its toll on me and I may not be able to sustain DBing much longer - the two processes don't go well together. Either she (1) agrees to something reasonable soon (2) puts the D on hold or (3) I'll have to really tighten the screws in my own best interests, including but not limited to selling the house in order to get some resolution. I'm just thinking aloud ... don't really know the answer.

[Lanzo]

If W hits you with anger about the legal & financial stuff you need to stay cool. Then calmly explain that this is all part of the D process, neither of you want it but it has to be done for the financial security of all of you (including your young D). After it is sorted you both can get on with the other D & separation matters and discuss them in a friendly and civil manner. Also you both have to work together at co parenting.

If you need to take option 3 this is the approach you need to take. You can still maintain the best DB principles whilst protecting your self financially.

[fb2]

Met W and treated her to lunch today. When I met her a month ago at a cafe she refused to let me pay for her cookie so this is a change.

She was on topic and not hostile for the most part. I validated most of what she said but disagreed with her on just a few non-sensitive points. She attacked me directly at least once by condemning the Xmas present(s) I bought D11 - I did not validate this because it hurt, but I did not react either - later I thought I should have heartily agreed with her.

She commented on my sweater saying I could not have bought it someone must have given it to me - which was true since I hated shopping for clothes - but the point is she took notice I was well dressed. I noticed she still had on her wedding and engagement rings. Next time she's going to notice my muscles

She started to touch on legal and financial matters I just nodded and said a few ya's and OK's and left early saying I had to get back to work (too sensitive for now ;). I asked if she would meet same time next week and she agreed.

I have this urge to "talk" to people - esp. neighbors and school teachers especially when they say they "heard", are "very sorry", went thru' it themselves, offer free advice, etc. I trust if I say anything its got to be very positive and not anti-W. Anyone want to comment on how to conduct myself in this respect?

[Lanzo]

Met W and treated her to lunch today. When I met her a month ago at a cafe she refused to let me pay for her cookie so this is a change.

Good we can see small changes in her.

She was on topic and not hostile for the most part. I validated most of what she said but disagreed with her on just a few non-sensitive points. She attacked me directly at least once by condemning the Xmas present(s) I bought D11

Don't worry about the attack, she finding less significant things to have a go about. Tip, anytime she attacks you on a particular item, make a mental note, then correct it so it doesn't come up again. Oh, I also had the attack about xmas presents so I know where your coming from.

She commented on my sweater saying I could not have bought it someone must have given it to me - which was true since I hated shopping for clothes - but the point is she took notice I was well dressed.

This is good, dress well, smell Well at all meetings with W.

I noticed she still had on her wedding and engagement rings.

Don't read too much into this, my W has never taken hers off, even when she was with OM.

She started to touch on legal and financial matters I just nodded and said a few ya's and OK's and left early saying I had to get back to work (too sensitive for now ;). I asked if she would meet same time next week and she agreed...

All good especially you leaving early cos you've got other things to do.

I have this urge to "talk" to people - esp. neighbors and school teachers especially when they say they "heard", are "very sorry", went thru' it themselves, offer free advice, etc. I trust if I say anything its got to be very positive and not anti-W. Anyone want to comment on how to conduct myself in this respect?

Whatever you say bits of it will get back to W so your best approach is to keep your comments to these people short and light. Definitely no bad mouthing. Something like " Yes it's troubled times for W and I but we're doing our best to work things out amicably. Either way, D or R we will both be fine". Don't say you're fighting like mad to save things cos W won't want to hear that yet.

Dude, sounds like you're doing fine at the moment.

[fb2]

S7 is home sick today, 2nd day in a row. Thought he'd recovered enough but he insisted on staying home. Tried to reach W on this to get her opinion but did not get thru'. Have to work from home.

[fb2]

Today W called to ask what she should put on her W4 form for payroll tax deductions. I used to do the finances almost exclusively. Not reading much into it - maybe a subtle change in W or a trap given that OM (or is it now ex-OM?) is an IRS agent - some of the hostility she's shown in the past I bet has come from his "helpful advice". He was "kind" and I was "mean".

She bitched about how D11 had to sleep on a mattress with the other kids with her legs sticking out while at my brother's place (she was over 1,000 miles away) during the holidays. Typical W! Years of sharp daily jabs and ignorant, stubborn opinions wore me down to where I'd react in annoyance. But now I know to steer clear of these attacks. In recent years she has used D11 to throw extra dirt at me ;-) Any fun ideas to add humor to these situations so W gets diffused without blowing up? Or is this a trait she'll never outgrow?