status

[Lanzo]

Sounds good, keep those positive interactions going.

[fb2]

Some questions:
- While DBing would it be unwise to vent to friends/family about my frustrations with W?
- Would it help to get IC for the tremendous hurt that I feel? If so with what attitude/goals should I go into it?

[Atlas]

fb2,

I wouldn't tell people what is going on. They will figure it out on there own, but the more people you bring in, it will only hurt you in the long run. My family is now pushing me to leave her completely. They just don't want to see you hurt anymore, and they get tired of your complaining and just don't want to deal with it. So the easy way out for them is to say, leave it behind, move on. Because that stops you from coming to them and for them having to deal with it.

Wow Georgia is just running over Hawaii. Crap.

Sorry in front of the tube. Hehe!

IC is a great idea. Go for it, and make sure you find someone that supports what your trying to do. I would spend the first session explaining what your goals are, where your going, and if they don't agree, find someone else. But it is a great idea.

[fb2]

D11 continues to be the primary medium of communication. I spent last night at a friends' place an hours drive away - the W had filed D but they got back after a year and a half before the D was final - effectively the H DB'd but he wasn't aware of DB/DR, etc. D11 wanted to know who it was so I said "a friend I used to work with". This will probably keep W guessing ;-)

But again I feel weary of staying in Limboland. W has not initiated any "meetings" and I've done so the last 3 times so not sure what to do next!?

[Lanzo]

Hi Fb2.

I confide in a co worker who went through a D 2 years ago and his W is on the point of re marrying. He regrets giving up on the Db techniques so he his fully supportive in my efforts to save my M. If you do need to confide in people keep it to a minimum. I feel I need to talk to someone everyday especially as feedback to my sitch is very slow.

At the moment you will still need to initiate all of the meetings, once W starts to like what she sees in you then she will make the effort, but be aware this could take a long time.

Life in limbo land is tough, frustrating, weary and tiring, I know all of these feelings, but the only way out is to live through it. GAL & PMA work hard on these. If you hit any lows where you feel like giving up just shout out on this board we'll be there for you.

[ann25]

Hi fb2,

Hope you had a good NYE. I know we are all looking forward to a fresh new year.

I would recommend not telling people extremely close to you. My mom knew, and was constantly bugging me about what was going on and why i was putting up with it. I eventually started telling her we were working on it and i would let her know if something changed. My sister just thought i should get a divorce and start over. She'd tell me "you're young and pretty and some guys love kids. you could find someone else better" God bless her heart, but she is so lost. like lanzo said, if you have to talk to someone (many need to) find a person that can understand what you are doing to fight for your M. Like your friend that you stayed with. He'd get that it's worth it to fight.

IC - definately recommend. It will help you deal with your issues. Might as well work those out now while you have the time.

Take care.

[fb2]

Thanks ann, Lan, Atlas - lots of wisdom here for me to process. Yes family thinks that D is so common these days and I should just accept it and move on like so many others instead of being in "denial". They thing W can't be trusted after this and their focus is more on the kids. So far I've got a couple of couple friends who are on the same wavelength as me and I'll lean heavily on them for the emotional and DBing part. My brother has been a strong support for the legal and financial part. I'll have to brace myself for a very long, lonely war and I hope the IC helps.

My lawyer has just issued a stiff ultimatum that W settle accounts rationally or she'll be taken back to court. She's been getting a free ride for almost a year now and its becoming more and more difficult for me so I think its high time she was taken to task on this front. I've avoided talking to her directly about this for at least a month now and would like to keep it that way. But if I meet her next regarding S7 she's going to hit me on this.

[Lanzo]

If W hits you with anger about the legal & financial stuff you need to stay cool. Then calmly explain that this is all part of the D process, neither of you want it but it has to be done for the financial security of all of you (including your young D). After it is sorted you both can get on with the other D & separation matters and discuss them in a friendly and civil manner. Also you both have to work together at co parenting.

If you take this approach you will project an image of someone who is at peace with the situation. Discussing the D with W means she can't fight you on. This approach will show you're losing the fear.

[fb2]

W called me this morning to report she was back early from vacation with the kids as a storm was forecast and the kids were not well. The tone was still friendly - no hostility - this has been the case for the 3-4 times she's called/met in the last month or so. I'm still not sure how to interpret this - either she wants to be closer or she's quite happy with being separated, free of me and financially well off?!

Have asked by e-mail for a lunch meeting to discus S7 but have not heard back. Meanwhile my lawyer has sent her a tough letter highlighting her false financial claims. Either she has not received it or she's not reacting to it, I don't know which? Not sure if the letter would damage the emotional side.

[Lanzo]

I've read this, will reply tomorrow.

Lan