I have had enough of these persistent doubts, and I have had enough of her "acts".
So, I did the anti-DB, not-so-fatherly thing and saddled my two sleepy little boys up in my car (warmed it up inside nice and toasty first -- it's turned cold out there this early AM) and drove the six miles to the house.
Nobody was home: W was not there, and doesn't look like she was ever there all evening.
I have my answer now -- I don't need to drag my sons any further, like to the other side of the metro area to see if W's mini-van is parked outside OM's apartment. Nope, the fact that she was making like she had to get her paperwork and get home so she could get up oh-so-very-early this AM to see a patient -- and would be busy all day long too -- was just a pretense for taking our S's off her hands one more night, to do something without our knowing.
I have said nothing in front of our S's, I was almost totally silent driving back, but I know S7 will ask what this was all about later, when he's actually awake. He's going to want to know why his mother was not at the house when we paid our visit. I don't know what I can say to him. It breaks my heart for him, and for his little brother.
This also confirms the reasons behind the crazy crap she's dumped on me of late. I wondered if she was "saving herself" for the OM, and that was what was making her so irritable. But then, knowing her MO, I doubted she could hold herself back for very long -- she doesn't have the will power. At the least, I am pretty sure she has no longer held herself back tonight.
Oddly, I am both tired and charged up at the same time. I am calmer, oddly, now knowing for certain what I have suspected.
W has been so good at downplaying what is going on in her personal life of late (other than saying she now works too much to do anything for herself -- which I know to be B.S.) Part of me had hoped she was over her R with OM since she has the cell phone back she gave him. But I also know her self-esteem would be at stake in not having some man's attentions for very long -- so she could be on to OM #2 for all I know -- it doesn't matter. The fact is she's lying and trying to cover up for being out into the wee hours of the morning yet again.
I have a mind to tell her that if our S's are cramping her style, I'll be glad to take them off her hands permanently. But I do know how my two little boys love their mother so much, and they will love her no matter what. I could never deprive them of their mother, no matter how much she hurts me. They're too young to really see the harm she's doing to them or to all of us, and that is just as well -- I want to protect them from this hurt as much as I humanly can.
Why can't she see any of this?
I am so done. It's going to be all so very much easier to detach now. She denies and lies all too pathologically to be trusted. It's so pathetic and ugly, so sad and sick.
I have to bury her in my mind now -- think of my W as having died and I am now a widower. I just have to deal with this dark phantom now that has taken on her appearance now, but it is just a harmless ghost. I can continue to pray for the soul of my dearly departed spouse, and ask God to some day help her spirit out of this purgatory she has chosen.
No Code, Im so sorry. I know how you feel though, I like your idea to view W as having passed away, that might help with the detaching.
You have zero control over what she chooses to do, so let her go. Maybe one day she'll realize what she has done and try and make it right, until then let go. Move on and focus on your sons.
I know somethings gotta give for both of us, either we bring our families back together or we move on and eventually meet the women we deserve to be with. Theres so many women out there that would love to be with men like us.
SO many guys out there are adulterers/womanizers, not us No Code, we're true men with big hearts, one day we'll be rewarded.
Im here for you brother!
Hurtin: 32 WAW: 30 D: 8 Bomb: 10/05 Sep: 12/05 Back together 8/07 Bomb (OM): 11/07 Filed for D (me): 12/07
Oh NoCode, I am so sorry for your long night. You had to do it, don't beat yourself up. Your S's and you deserve so much more than a woman that will lie to get HER needs met. They (WAS) have these egos on them that have to be fed, its an urgent need I believe, and she did just that.
You are seeing clearly through all this pain. Saying "I'll be happy to take the sons permanently." is not a good idea. However, your actions already say that, you will take them, soak up any time you can get with them. It just has to be with no questions asked. I am sure she will try to excuse herself out of this predicament, and I would just let her lie, and then let it lie. No use fighting a phantom.
In all honestly, this summer, when the pain was so very raw, I actually thought it would be better if H *did* die. I know now (from reading and talking with others) that is a normal reaction for us.
Sometimes I wish H would just leave all of us. Me and the girls. The pain of him walking out, free and clear, would be easier to take than what I have been doing. But, like you, I realize my girls love and very much need their Daddy. I am going to try with all my strength to see past the pain he causes me, and do what's right for the girls. So very hard to rise above.
I hope you are ok tired. I all too well understand the tired yet charged feeling. When you come down from that, take some time and relax.
H4C, thanks. I really appreciate your support. And I am so happy that things are actually sounding so positive in your own sitch. Hang in there, bro', and keep that saintly patience going; it seems to be working for you. Like everyone says, "Trust but verify."
Lwb, thanks. I am tired. Have had very little sleep. I am just numb right now, letting the events sink in.
Yes, I know now the root flaw at the core of my WAS' soul. I can see it so readily now, whereas love blinded me for the last 17 years. I recall now that I could see it prior to the moment I realized I was in love with W long ago. I can see how I slowly convinced myself that W had overcome that flaw, not recognizing that it had merely lain dormant, and had never been resolved. Her self-esteem, her insecurities are so inextricably tied to this arrogance and pride she now displays. Her haughty arrogance she wears like an armor but it is to protect a very delicate ego. Any wound to her pride, however slight, sets off her most base self, defending her fragile self-esteem.
She has done great harm to me, our M and our family, in putting her pride ahead of everyone and everything else. And yet i still do love her. I just realize though that as long as she is going to take this selfish path of hers, I will not waste my efforts on trying to save this M.
I did not confront W at all today about her deceit and treachery, the events from last night. I just couldn't convince myself there was any point in raising the issue with her. Besides we each received some very bad news today.
W's uncle (married to MIL's sister) passed away this morning. They live just a couple of hours drive east of here.
And my mother told me my uncle, her oldest living brother, he lives in another state, was also very close to death himself, and would not make it past today.
I mention this because these sad events have been playing on our minds today. When I spoke with W briefly today, she noted I sounded a little down, and asked what was the matter. I told her that there's been a lot of bad news today (I was also implying that W's lies and infidelity were part of these bad tidings, but W did not take the bait.)
W's attitude was odd around me though when it came to discussions of her uncle's passing. She seemed so nonchalant about it, almost flippantly cold. I wasn't sure she was putting on a brave face or not. I really liked her uncle, and I regret that I never got to see him again after the bomb -- such that his passing has made me sad as well. I just haven't been able to figure out why W had shown such a lack of compassion hersef. I wanted to hug her and comfort her, but she was being just as aloof as ever -- I guess she's trying very hard to keep me beyond arm's length.
I know, pursuing her would be bad. And I really don't know that I would actually want to catch her at this point.
<rant> I am a little disturbed right now. W had apparently come over to my apartment at lunch time to look for the d*mned teddy bear named after her OM. So I forgot to pack it up and bring it back with me when I dropped our S's off last evening -- sue me!
I am so peeved that she thinks it's so friggin' important to retrieve that stuffed toy -- they each have plenty of other such comforts, each with a lot more sentimentality than this new, hideous thing she bought for S7 on impulse last week -- that she has to drive up six miles one way to invade my apartment. Really, it's not even what I would call a very adorable bear at all -- the key thing for W is that it's named after OM. So this thing obviously means more to her than S7.
I have not said anything yet to her about this, but I am steamed. I discovered it when I came back at lunch and saw that, apparently, they (W and S3) also left my Christmas tree lights on before they left. (Reminds me that its way past time to take it down. Only left it up for our S's.) And the boys' bedroom was somewhat ransacked to a point too. I checked my voicemail, and W had left a message saying she was going to retrieve the item from my apartment "if I don't mind." But she didn't wait for me to say yay or nay, I noticed.
no your not overreacting.. At this point she has really no business coming to your apartment and going through things, its really invasion of your privacy.. you know darn well if you did that to her she would have a heart attack.
I would calmly say to her "please do not go into my home without me being there" and leave it at that.
I know your upset and "done" with her, I can tell by your post. Maybe this is the push you needed to go dark and to remain detached from her. Im sorry your in that place now.
The kids will be upset, this is a given, just show them as much love as possible and just let them know that they will always be loved. (I know you aready do that).
This age is so tender.. My boys are 2 and 5 and especially my 5 year old, everything effects him (he's very sensative), he knows exactly was is going on when there trouble.
Hang in there... Thinking of you..
tal
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Oh I would be peeved at your W if I were you. Even if it were an 'innocent' item, she has no business just letting you know she is going into YOUR residence. You would never do that. Heck, you had to leave the presents in the garage!!! Double gross to the whole bear thing!
I am sorry about W's uncles and yes, she is keeping you at arm's length, not showing emotion. Par for the course.
Seems you've hit a point where DB'ing will be for your health and your kids happiness. You've done what you can for now. Like Mark says, free her to be an idiot, you can do nothing else.
