I am not sure how many of you have adult children? I mean kids over 20yrs of age. I have one myself, a daughter. GF has two kids over 20, one is still in college and the other one is a uber successful orthopedic surgeon. What is my point you say?
Well, my adult daughter managed to hurt me pretty good over Christmas and GF’s oldest son did as well. Actually, a large portion of her family managed to hurt her feelings over Christmas.
First, how did my D manage to hurt my feelings? Well, my son and I were out shopping and I had the gifts for my daughter in the truck. I called her on my cell and asked if I could drop her gifts off at her place? She lives with her boyfriend and his parents. No, I do not approve of the sitch, however I have no control over it. Anyway, she tells me no, I cannot stop by and drop off her gifts because her future father-in-law is home. WTF, I have met the man and he is a decent guy. Anyway that hurt pretty bad and I told her so.
Now for how GF’s family treated her. Mind you, she is a working woman, much like a lot of the gals on this site. She does make real good money however she works long hours for it. Also she is a contractor in her profession which basically means she is self-employed. So there are no paid sick days or paid vacation days. She wants time off it means she doesn’t get paid. I know there are many of you in the same sitch and I respect that.
Anyway, the surgeon son, who is married to a doctor, brings his family for a visit over Christmas. A party was planned at someone’s home for the Dr’s friends. GF was not invited, nor did she want to go as far as I can tell. Well the hostess for the party decided 48hrs before said party that she could not host it because the Dr’s have a toddler and the hostess was concerned about her glassware. Stop laughing, I am not kidding.
So GF’s daughter-in-law called and asked if GF would host the party? Forget the fact that GF had to work the next day, which would leave approx 24hrs till party time. Forget the fact that these were not GF’s friends and there were approx 20 of them. Did I mention that she was offered no money for food? The final kicker was the original hostess came to the party!
It would be bad if that was all that happened but it wasn’t. GF spent a small fortune on her two sons, D-in-law, mother, brother and S-in-law. It took us three days to wrap all the stuff she bought for her family. Plus many trips too many stores and hours on the road. Hey, it’s Christmas and it’s supposed to be about giving. So, she really went at it.
Mind you her family members are all quite comfortable with the exception of her youngest son that is in college. I kid you not when I tell you her surgeon son makes 55 grand a month. That’s right folks, the man makes 650 grand a year. So do you think he could have footed the bill for the party? Or better yet said, “I will just take everyone to dinner instead of putting you out mom.” Well he didn’t and I can only wonder what would make someone that makes that kind of money feel like he could take advantage of his mother like that? It baffles the mind to say the least.
It gets worse. After the gifts were opened GF could hold in one had what her family had given her. I am not making this up and it is not about money. It is about being thoughtful within your means. When you have the means and someone’s track record indicates they are a caring, giving person you should meet them with the same caring within your means. I go out on a limb here and say GF easily spent in excess of 3 grand on presents for her family. Each family member got multiple gifts from her. She got junk jewelry and a digital photo frame in return.
I was appalled. Yes, I did buy her something within my means, which isn’t much considering I am unemployed at the moment. The whole thing has her depressed and hating Christmas. I can’t blame her and can only give her support at this time.
I certainly hope that next Christmas is much better for her and anyone here that may be feeling a little blue after being let down by family members during this season.
Me 45 WAW 46 Married 23yrs D22 S18 D12 W moved out 1/12/07 Divorce Final 2/06/08
It's sad, but sometimes grown children only learn by experience. The GF is upset because of their thoughtlessness more than anything else I'm sure. Parental boundries are tough, I know, my duaghter's 21 and still acts like a teenager at times.
When confronted with this kind of thoughtlessness I usually reflect on how to respond. In my case, it's with boundries. Over the next year your GF should write down what she wants in her relationship with her children. She's not a stand-by hostess and shouldn't accept being treated as one. She should be open as to why she says "No" next time they ask for something of this nature (lack of planning time, lack of support in at least funding the affair, etc.). Basically "As much as I love having you over you can afford to do that yourself or hire someone who can" is best the answer.
I suggest that you help your GF select presents over the next year based on the level of what she got this year. Spoil the grandkids rotten if you feel like it but the parents should only get a nice card and maybe, if she's feeling generous, some flowers.
Sometimes it takes that kind of object lesson to help people understand. Most don't so don't hold out any hope but there's no use over extending yourself repeatedly for people that don't appreciate the hard work necessary to meet their requests.
It's not about revenge or teaching, it's more about personal boundries. Families should respect each other and as you pointed out, it doesn't sound like they did in this case. Perhaps she's good at putting up a good front and they think that she enjoy's only simple things but she needs to keep her boundries intact and focus on her own needs (sound familiar?) so that she can meet the needs of her family, when they need it (not when they want it, two separate things).
That sucks for air buddy. Not sure why the future FIL even plays into whether your daughter sees you. Kinda ticks me off just pondering. Definitely something to discuss further with her there.
As for the GF, I'm thinking that I don't like getting burned. I'm thinking if it's me, I'm making sure my holidays don't include those people significantly until they step up and include themselves. In other words . . . detach, detach, detach.
Hey fender. Sound a lot like her S is simply used to be taken care of by his mom. Unfortunately he needs to adjust to being an adult. As for your D, any idea why it was not ok? Maybe it had more to do with her bfriend's dad than you. She's living by his rules now.
I'm so sorry to hear that GF's feeling were hurt. From what you described I do think that GF is contending with some very spoiled, selfish, self-centered kids. The worst part is that they're not kids and should know better! You're right, it's not about the money, but it is about the thought and feelings that should back it up. It almost sounds as if she were an after thought and no one should have to feel that way. Two of my kids are just the opposite with me but my middle one has to be called on it from time to time, so I do think I know what I'm saying here. Back GF up. Let her know that she is not being petty. She obviously cares deeply and tries to make the holidays special no matter what their age or monetary circumstances.
If this were me, and I only say this because people are not mind readers (learned that from my marriage --BooHa). She needs to wait until the time is right and tell them how it made her feel. People can't change what they don't know. If she tells them and they don't care to consider her feelings then maybe she needs to accept some hard truths about her children. I'm so glad that she has you to validate her.
If this were me, and I only say this because people are not mind readers (learned that from my marriage --BooHa). She needs to wait until the time is right and tell them how it made her feel. People can't change what they don't know. If she tells them and they don't care to consider her feelings then maybe she needs to accept some hard truths about her children. I'm so glad that she has you to validate her.
Sorry that your D hurt your feelings. I am sorry that your GF is so upset.
The good news is that you both have each other now. I agree with Bethie, let some time pass, and you guys should bring up your concerns to the children.
Have a great weekend.
Live Simply Love Generously Care Deeply Speak Kindly Leave the rest to God
Thanks guys. I did validate her feelings and gave her all the support I could. I can't fix this for her, nor should I but I did mention to her that maybe she should tell her family how she feels.
Me 45 WAW 46 Married 23yrs D22 S18 D12 W moved out 1/12/07 Divorce Final 2/06/08
I agree. Maybe she should have a good talk with them. Clear the air and set up different plans and boundaries for the next year and with other holidays too.
I hope next year will be less stressful and more fun for you and your GF.
so that she can meet the needs of her family, when they need it (not when they want it, two separate things).