status

[sgctxok]

"A LOT of money is with the 2 lawyers' trust funds waiting for settlement which hasn't happened due to her bickering. This "trust" money is what she cleared out of our joint account, what she owe's me for our new car she claimed as her own - the judge ordered her to pay all this back in April which she hasn't yet done. What I owe her for the house which I paid out by the stipulated date but my lawyer does not want to release it till all the accounts are squared away. I have submitted spreadsheets, bank statements, cancelled checks, etc. so on my side everything is substantiated. I'm getting sick and tired of this but it does not seem like a good idea to give in because these are large sums of money and I'm cash flow negative."

THIS IS NOT PROFESSIONAL DB OR LEGAL ADVICE, THIS IS MY PERSONAL OPINION STEMMING FROM MY EXPERIENCE.
You need to request to have a third party take care of the money matters. My attorney took everything herself. My exH attorney took everything of his initially and was disbarred. His second attorney was great, I'd use him now if I could...for anything. They were both top attorneys from top firms in the community. You have more power than you think. Make sure your financial arrangements with your attorney are in writing. No matter how well you know them. Take care of yourself.


ANOTHER NOTE
Some judges frown on parents getting sitters during their custody time. Makes no sense to me...but while custody is an issue...I wouldn't do it. But when you don't have the kids...fit your workout in...and other stuff for you.

[fb2]

I've been thinking about your sitch and how we can achieve some contact. So could you post up what type of contact is occuring, who is initiating it, how the contact goes, your perceptions of why, and is there follow up by either party.

So far in the last 6 months I have been initiating most of the contact. Mostly e-mail to which she replies occasionally. Some phone calls some of which she initiated but its only when she wants something. I have initiated most of the face to face meetings and each time she has driven to my neighborhood on the pretext of talking about the kids.

Except for the last meeting on Tues of this week all the others have been disasters where she's ranted and raved and I've usually got up and left in hurt and frustration. Now I'm much more prepared to validate her insanity, not talk about M, R or C - so I'm more ready for it. But I don't want to be the one initiating these meetings and I feel time and money is running out.

[fb2]

Lan,

Thanks for the encouraging words. Looks like you are holding up with great discipline and making progress.

I've been spending the last few days with my family. The kids played with their cousins and did not seem to miss W at all so far but she talked to them on D11's cell on X-mas morning. No direct contact with W in the last 6 days, not even an impersonal e-mail.

There's a couple of women good (i.e., decent) friends of W's that I've been tempted to contact for the last several months but I'm been very hesitant.

Not sure what my next move will be. Still in very dark limbo. Not sure if I should expedite the legal process or not. Not sure its even worth trying to R at this point - seems impossible. Not sure about anything anymore.

[Lanzo]

Dude hang on in there, sounds like you're hitting one on those low moments. OK, so no contact with W for 6 days, feels tough cos I guess you thinking bout her and your sitch. Well, you need to get something going on to lift your spirits. I can't think of anything at the moment but if you can get yourself into a happier frame of mind the problems don't seem half as big.

There's a couple of women good (i.e., decent) friends of W's that I've been tempted to contact for the last several months but I'm been very hesitant.

Read my post, be careful cos you can get burned on this big time. I used to call W best friend and all I got were hints giving me bad news, the bad news was making me feel ill so I stopped. However, as I was seeing no progress in my sitch, I started calling her agin only to be give more news I didn't want to hear. So avoid this if you can. Actually, the last contact with W best friend was her calling me to tell me I was making an impression on W because after months of saying the M was done, W was now saying she was confused and would consider counselling.

If your not sure what to do just let things pan out themselves. If your not sure on the legal process, then leave it until you're thinking better. Think of it this way, don't push things, but don't fight it.

Things seem impossible now but they will get better, they will work out. Even if you D it's not the end, cos if you've DB'ed correctly you will be a better person and in a better place to move on with your life.

Keep on moving with the program buddy.

[fb2]

Found out at check in that connecting flight back from TX canceled by bad weather. Instead of an entire night at an airport and standby next day I got a confirmed flight 2 days later since anyway the kids were having a blast with their cousins and wanted to stay longer. W granted approval over the phone provided I let the kids stay with her 2 more days next week.

Anyway on the 6hr drive back from the airport W called me and was surprisingly friendly and chatted for quite a while. Complained about someone at work and a few other things and talked about her upcoming vacation plans, etc. I acted "as-if", validated and acknowledged. She was also concerned that I not fall asleep at the wheel. Again there was no personal attack and anger towards me ... not sure what to read into it ... but let's give this some time. So I'm slowly but surely getting into DBing mode ... now if only I can put a lid on the legal process and sort out the financial mess ...

I'm meeting with some old friends in a few days where the wife filed for divorce, lived on her own for over a year and then they somehow got back together again. She is going to give me the entire scoop in case it can help me figure out how to proceed.

More later

[ann25]

That's great. This whole process is about taking what works and doing more of that and taking what doesn't and stopping that. Sounds like some positive interaction between the two of you.

its awesome to talk to people that have been there and back in their M. I'm sure you are like i am at this point... taking all the advice you can get!

[Lanzo]

Hi F2b,

Sounds like W is relaxing a bit maybe she is taking her cue from you being more relaxed and acting "as if".
Don't worry if the anger returns cos it will come and go, but keep talking to her in a positive manner. Eventually you may find that she wants to put the legal process on hold so you can continue talking. So if you do discuss any legal stuff be cool and relaxed about it, even though you may feel as though you are being shafted. Remember the legal stuff and the money is the big stick she beats you with, lose your fear and she will stop.

[fb2]

Remember the legal stuff and the money is the big stick she beats you with, lose your fear and she will stop.

I've always been law abiding and financially responsible. So this is very scary whether I show it or not. How does one lose this fear?

[Lanzo]

I had a problem with W and money earlier in my sitch, this is how I handled it.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1196122&page=3&fpart=9

It may or may not help you.

How does one lose this fear?

Are you prepared to lose your W (Yes/No)? Either way you act "as if"

Are you prepared to lose the money (Yes/No)? Either way you act "as if".

Just a thought.

[fb2]

Got back from TX. She called just when the plane landed and was again "friendly" - she did mention she got a ticket for leaving her car at the curb and coming into the baggage claim area - ordinarily I'd have given her a lecture for not listening and disregarding the rules but I did not comment. She did not ask me how I was going home with all the luggage but just picked up the kids and drove away. But the incident reminded me of what life was like with W.