I'm seeing light, now what?

[BeingMe]

I feel that as a couple I should try to do what I can with her if it's a common interest.

Absolutely agree with you! Keep that up! That's one thing I love about my H, is that he is very technical and can sort out any computer, home electrical equipment, cars, and so forth, in a jiffy. He is good at carpentry, painting, fixing gutters, lighting, installing floors. I tell (and told him in the past) him constantly that I appreciate it, but during his MLC, he said I never appreciated him, or told him what a good job he does. WTH!!!! He, on the other hand, rarely compliments me on anything, or am I in MLC and don't hear him! Eek!

Also D17 likes people to fuss over her.

Perfectly normal behaviour for a teen, but not so much a grown woman of 5 children.

Well let's see how things play out.

Watch and wait .... probably the best way to go for now.

Take care!

[Aud31]

Hey Mr. BTSGM, maybe your women need to see you shine a little bit more--good for them to realize you're not just the schmo along for the ride. Can't hurt for them to be reminded you have value too.

[Phoenix_spark]

I don't think that W had such a terrible home environment when she was young. She gets along fine with her parents, about as good as any of us. However she seems to want to relive her youth (or at least what she wanted her youth to be) through her daughter/kids. D17 appreciates being her center of attention, however college does come soon and I suspect a move for D17 is inevitable.

I believe the next year or so will determine a lot. So far I see some positive moves, but will W make the jump? Time will tell.

[Phoenix_spark]

Decided last night that I would just "lay out a thought" that I felt was important to say. In a way it was saying, yes I do love you and that I still want to be around you. I did not try to be clingy, just said my short piece and left it as that. W did not answer, but I could see the point hit home. Things have sloooowly been getting better and the "comment" did not cause any back pedaling. It might be very slow, but I think there might be some change a foot. Hopefully, I'm not wrong.

I hope all are doing well. Hopefully this new year coming up will be a change for the best for everyone. Perhaps, what's working best for me right now is that I am occasionally saying what I think, but I am also showing that either way it goes, I will deal with it. Of course daily prayer and study help. Every day I still look at what I am doing and see how I measure up both spiritually and DB wise. Some things are very well ingrained. I think it has made a better me.

[BeingMe]

Sounds like a step in the right direction, Phoenix. I hope it goes up from there. Do you ever say anything during testimony, about family and how you feel about her? The way some H's express themselves at that time, often brings tears to my eyes, and I wish that my H could say the same, but it's just not him, I guess. Sometimes (certainly, in my case), a woman just wants affirmation/validation that her man actually gets her. When the C asked my H why he married me, and why he loved me, all he could say was that I was fun. Couldn't even express his admiration for my being a good mom, or anything like that. I found that more hurtful in some ways then his A. He seemed to find more things wrong with me, than was right with me. While I came up with a list of more than the 10 things the C requested.

I don't know if this helps you, but I think you are the type who does try and 'get' your W. Just make sure she knows it. I am glad you are finding a way to say what you think is important. Those things are what we women remember, in the end .... what tilts the sitch favourably toward our H's.

Any thoughts on the upcoming Christmas season? Doing anything exciting?

[WCW]

Swinging thru and glad to see your swing is swinging to the positive again. Keep pushing the swing higher.

I like BeingMe's idea about expressing all the wonderful reasons you love your W. Then leave it alone to sink in.
Every once in a while I hear H telling someone something good about me but he won't tell me directly. The only thing I hear straight from him to me is still negative. Cheeseless tunnel, so I don't go there but it would be very nice to hear it from H(orses) mouth.

[Phoenix_spark]

Well the Christmas thing went fairly well. W seems to be doing OK, showing positive leanings, but still trying to keep a safe buffer. I did something a little wild for the family and W, it was nice hearing W relate positive reports of it to her family. What I did was something she could be proud of and something I think will be a topic of discussion for the holidays. Bottom line though, I wanted W to have something she could be proud of me about, something that would appear to bring things back into order.

She still, however, is dragging her feet in regards to the sleeping arrangements. W sure is stubborn. I said my piece and I have left it like that for a while. She knows where I stand, but I'm not going to push her. I want her to know that any change she "chooses to make" is all hers', not pressure from me or anyone else. She needs to know that all her choices belong to her, I didn't force anything on her.

[HHIF]

I know what you mean about the wife being stubborn,mine is making me crazy.

It's one day things seem good like she wants to work things out and then the next day seems more cold and distant.

She knows how I feel and what I want,she knows how much our kids want and need to see mom and dad back together and loving each other again.

But she has filed D,hasn't backed down from that yet,I'm trying to give her space,not push,and doing allot of praying.

She acts like things are cool with her but I know she has prescriptions for anxity,depression and one to help her sleep,so maybe she is having a hard time dealing with what she is doing to our marriage and our family.

[Phoenix_spark]

I'm waiting to see what the new year will bring, word out is that things will happen then, but I guess we'll see. My focus right now is to not let that wear down on me. If it does, it does, I will move on with what's left with my life and go for a clean start. W thinks we should all just stay here and play along with her "game". I guess she didn't know that I was never one to stay around after things went south. My approach is go at it full bore when your "on the field", play your game out there and then you will have nothing to rehearse and re-hash latter. I will not let it wear me down in the future, there is nothing to be gained there.

[HHIF]

My wife also has this fantasy that D can go all nice and smooth and me and the kids will be just fine and she can go explore and find what ever she things she is missing in her life and we will all live happily ever after,WAKE UP!

There is no such thing as a good D,the kids are already hurting with us being seperated and they both believe,as do I that we will get this figured out,mom will quit acting like she is someone we don't know and come back to reality.

Time and patience,it's hard but don't have allot of other options at this point.