the path of the LBS

[yellowrose]

Treese

Many of us here have followed this path. You are on yours right now. Dropping the rope gives you such peace. Then you learn the patience and understanding.

I hope and pray that your sitch turns out like mine did too. Hang in there and let your h have space. Give it to God and let him work on your h!

Y

[Treese]

Thanks yellow. I will work hard on it.

(((((Treese)))))

[Rollercoasterider]

I blieve I have read that like the MLCer, we also follow the stages of Grief as outlined by Elisabeth Kubler Ross.

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining (MLC Replay)
• Depression
• Acceptance

But then we must have something to deny first, and so I think we go through a numbing shock before we deny. NO, I don't mean that excaclty because I am implying a chronological order.

Shock and denial are likley intermingled--one may come first then the other...but they flip back and forth.
Jim Conway adds Withdrawal between Depression and Acceptance. He said he did this because Kubler Ross was studying those who were dying and Withdrawal was not covered or a aprt of that.

I've said before that I think this is the stage where the person now has their new Identity, but it is snesitive and untested--a crab molts and grows a new shell...this is the new shell stage, but it is still fragile. And so there is testing. This is not button-pushing, but dipping a toe in the new waters, putting out feelers...

DO we each go through ALL of the stages? I think the professionals say yes...though not certain. And maybe they are correct; but we do not recongize them as such.

I went through what may be called Anger--while in other stages too. I don't remember feeling angry, but I had fun wicked fantasies about putting naked pictures of the OW on this giant electronic billboard on I-5...among others fantasies. I knew they were fantasies and took them no further--okay, ther may have be some photos on an Internet site for a few hours--I wrote a profile and she was verry popular!

What is the bargaining phase for us?
Is this us ocmparing the OW to us...and the trying to say if I do...then...? Don't know.
Oh, I know...those LBS's who are complaining about all of their changes and yet their spouse doesn't notice, refuses to notice or says it is still too late...this is the bargaining phase.
I will make the changes so you will come home.

I can see Anger following this stage when the changes do not reap the desired results in the spouse. Anger also precedes, which is why we say they may oerlap and mix together)
Depression: Well MLC is permeated by Depression, I think that the stages for the LBS may also be filled iwth such. For me it was more a solitude, spending time being queit with myself. A time of lower energy, though not necessaruly feeling poorly and hopeless. I felt that only briefly while going through the early shock and denial.

I call depression Liminality. This makes it something that is less dangerous or scary--not something 'wrong' as we think of Depression. A time for self contempleation where a person retreats inward.

I had up days and down days, but after maybe June or July 2005, I don't think I had Hopeless days. But the Anger--that is OW revenge--was much longer. I felt that way toward her, but please note I also prayed for her and felt badly for her.

This Rope Dropping stage...could that be Conway's Withdrawal area? Drop the Rope and pick up your new life...test life. It doesn't have to involve Withdrawal as this period may for the MLCer.

So what do we have then...

• Shock
• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Liminality
• Surrender
• Acceptance

[angelica]

Am I the nastiest person on these boards but does no-one else ever experience flashes of jealousy - that the OP has your spouse? Even if they are damaged and in MLC. It doesn't obsess me, and I don't feel rage, but I just feel jealous sometimes and, yes, sad, that another woman can caress and care for and love my h, and I cannot lay a finger on his body.

Where does this emotion fit? Does no-one else feel this - it doesn't seem to get mentioned. Are we ashamed of jealousy and longing? Or am I deeply emotionally immature? I know it isn't healthy . . .

A

[hopefloats7]

Yes, angelica, I felt very jealous, and with that came feeling very inadequate because my H had chosen to go be with someone else.

[forward]

No, I think feeling jealous is to be expected! If I think OW is having fun w/H, I feel very angry and, well, I admit that is jealousy.

And you know, I have to admit that I have been glad when H encounters misfortune w/OW. I feel like he needs that to grow up.

And, like the MLCer, I think we drift among the stages. I go back to anger more than I care to admit, but I am coming towards rope-drop.

And when H talks D, I feel all the way back to 1, but at the same time, that stage is fading.

[Treese]

Angelica;

OMG, I am so glad you say that. Yes, I so feel jealous at times. Everyone here seems to have it so together and I can't even get beyond crying. This is so frustrating.

I often think of OW touching my H and I'm not allowed to even touch him. What is that all about? I've touched him for 29 years. Is she telling him not to let me touch him or do I really irritate him that much? I don't even talk to him let alone able to irritate him. Grrrrrrrrrrr.....

H called a little while ago. He was a crab. S10 wanted help with Science and talked to H about it and then he handed me the phone. H sounded a little ticked off to be talking to me. I just acted like I didn't hear the tone in his voice. And he says I have a tone to my voice, yeah right.

[yellowrose]

Oh my Angelica

Did I ever have the jealousy!!!! There were so many emotions that I have felt during this time. Each one I had to work through.

Y

[angelica]

Treese - they project a lot onto us of what they are doing.

So he knows he has a snippy tone -but it couldn't be him right? So it must be you. QED as we used to write in geometry!

I think, but am not sure, that the reason some of them can't touch us is that i) they feel guilty and ii) they want to suppress not inflame the feelings they have for us.

Just MO,

A

[Treese]

Well, Angelica;

That opened up a can of worms. LOL!! Aren't you glad you asked? And I am jealous because I would give anything to make love to my H and she is getting it all. Crap, just Crap!!!
Ok, breathe...........