Hi Sara, it has been awhile since i've posted and have been working hard to make things at home peaceful. Approached W about retro last weekend, as we have one close to our area the weekend of Jan 19. I just printed the opening page to the retro site and gave it to my W to read. It just states about the 4 stages of marriage. W looked at me and said, "Isn't it too late for that"? I told her that I didnt think so. I also told her that we need to communicate better and this will help. I told her to read and think about it, and she can tell me in a week or so her response. Well she hasnt thrown away the info, and I dont know if she has really read it, but I guess I have to look at the positive, in that she didnt say no. W is away today at a bridal shower, and I will need her answer soon so I can schedule the weekend. If she doesnt agree to the weekend, I am going to have to go to plan B, which is to tell her she needs to decide what it is she wants, and when is she going to move out. It is so hard to be in the same house with her, even when we are in seperate rooms. W has been much more talkative over the last few weeks, and has actually changed a little in that she is telling me where she is going and actually called home friday nite to tell me she wanted to go to a new restaurant and was leaving work at that time. She has been very secretive over the last few months, and is trying very hard to be independent. The holidays are going to be hard, as we will I am sure go our seperate ways to each others families. S18 came home from college on thanksgiving and told me that her side of the family, all except the IL's, know that what the W is telling everybody is a lie. He also said not to worry about what she is saying, and not to stoop to her level. S wants to study psychology, and I think now that he is ticked off at his mom to the point that he was home for over a week, and only slept here maybe 2 nights. Have to hope that the W will go to retro, to at least work on the communication part. I have to keep praying that this will all work out. Thank you for letting my steal a little of your thread. Thanks to all of you for your honesty in telling your experiences with retro. Take care.
No, it is certainly not too late for retrovaille. Retrouvaille is meant both as a last ditch effort before divorce, and as a choice for those knowing they want to reconcile. Some people go there after divorce. Divorce does not end your relationship with your wife. You have children together. You will have holidays, graduations, illnesses and injuries, weddings and grandchildren together. Divorce is not an end at all. You might was well work on communication to get through all the stuff that remains in the future.
Scottymack, there was a couple that was divorced at our Retro weekend that came back together.
M: 31 W: 31 M: 7 T: 8 S:4 D:2 Bomb dropped: too many to count or remember, 12/17/07 last one S on 9/2/07 W sent off D papers 12/31/07. Me trying to live life and hope she returns one day.
Sara and DaveJ, thanks for your support. I guess I am just scared as to what her answer will be. If she says no, I have got to get some backbone and tell her that it is time for her to move on with her life if that is what she really wants. I really dont think she wants to move on, b/c if she does, she will not have her kids around her all the time, plus I think that the house is her comfort blanket and that she really is living in a fantasy world. She wants a D, she wants to be alone, she wants no relationships, she wants out, and she is still here. DaveJ, read some of your sitch, when did you go to your retro weekend, and did it work out
Sara and DaveJ, thanks for your support. I guess I am just scared as to what her answer will be. If she says no, I have got to get some backbone and tell her that it is time for her to move on with her life if that is what she really wants. I really dont think she wants to move on, b/c if she does, she will not have her kids around her all the time, plus I think that the house is her comfort blanket and that she really is living in a fantasy world. She wants a D, she wants to be alone, she wants no relationships, she wants out, and she is still here. DaveJ, read some of your sitch, when did you go to your retro weekend, and did it work out
Scottymack, we went to the Retro 11/16/07. As far as working out, I guess I probably won't be able to tell you for a long while. Retro does different things for different people. For some people it's instant awakening, and some others, not as much. But overall it's very positive. I know that my W is no longer determined that we are done. I know she's saying she no longer knows, which is a positive I think. I believe she's in the wait and see mode and see how things develope between us. She is interested in improving our communication and see where that leads. She has also has said that her head is telling her to give it another try, but her heart is just not in it (yet I feel). I think it will take some time for her to let go all of her anger/resentment. She tends to be stubborn and all. However I do notice that she has let go some and not as angry as before. So I would have faith and give it a try. You got nothing to lose really.
BTW, don't make Retro a condition for her to stay in the house. If you do that then she will just go through the motion and get nothing out of it. Make it about improving things between you two. Communication, interaction, stop fighting, for the kids, etc.
M: 31 W: 31 M: 7 T: 8 S:4 D:2 Bomb dropped: too many to count or remember, 12/17/07 last one S on 9/2/07 W sent off D papers 12/31/07. Me trying to live life and hope she returns one day.
DaveJ, thanks, I have been bothered by what I think I need to do if she says no, to how and what will continue if she says no. Read alot of your sitch, especially the posts by DomR about not moving out of the house. I have no intentions of leaving, and at this point my W is the same. Your point about communication, interaction, and for the kids, is what I have talked to her about when I asked her. We never really fought for the 22 years that we have been M, other than a few little spats that I wouldnt really call fights. I have been giving her space and have basically become her friend as far as I am concerned. My kids are both in college, and already my S18 knows alot of the sitch, as I have been as truthful as possible when he asks questions. My W is in la la land, as she has said that she doesnt want to involve the kids. I dont care how old the kids are, they will be affected no matter what. I cant imagine being them, growing up with us for this long, and mom wants a D. My S knows what is in the D petition, and he just says that mom is lying. What a shame. If the D goes through, she will destroy whatever R she has with her kids. She has some serious MLC, with empty nest and depression thrown in.
Ouch Scottymack. Sorry that you are in this sitch. Is there anyway your S18 can talk to the W? Or do you think she really doesn't care to listen no matter what?
As far as moving out, it really depends on individual cases. If you can stay at home so much the better. I didn't really have much of a choice. At least from where I am right now I think it's giving us a better chance in saving the M. I'm very certain if I insisted on staying my W would've filed for D already.
M: 31 W: 31 M: 7 T: 8 S:4 D:2 Bomb dropped: too many to count or remember, 12/17/07 last one S on 9/2/07 W sent off D papers 12/31/07. Me trying to live life and hope she returns one day.
DaveJ, W is a stubborn as the day is long. As long as I can remember, she has never apologized for anything. She is spoiled brat, and now she has her mommy and daddy supporting her 100%. She works with mostly divorced women, and is constantly hanging out with one that has been married twice and must not be happy in the second M, b/c she is with my W most of the time. Tonite she mentions that she wont be home for dinner the rest of the week, as she is going to watch nephew play bball tuesday nite and my S plays college ball wed nite, and then she is going to St Michaels MD thurs and friday with her co-worker to hang out and shop for christmas. Yeah right. The OM lives not far from there, and when she went away a few times over the summer, she went to the same area and it was always thurs into friday. When I found an email she sent OM in april, it had directions to a hotel, plus they were going to meet thursday and friday. She must really think that she is in the drivers seat and is in control of the whole sitch. I dont have to do anything as far as the D for another 22 months, but i dont know how long i can hang in. If she will go to Retrouvaille, maybe things will change. If not, I will have to decide if the M is worth the hassle, and if I can last that long. My L says that I am in the drivers seat as far as D goes, b/c the judges in my county look down on adulterous spouses who file. She makes alot more money than i do, so there is a real good chance of me getting much more than she does. Right now it would be a 65-35 split. That means that I can get the house and that would be a major coup if that happens. Have to keep positive and not let what she does affect me. If she did move out, she would probably do these things anyway. She is trying to be independent and show me that she can do things. Big deal! I can cook, clean, sew, fix things, and do a hell of a lot more than my W. If the D goes through, she will find out what it is like in the real world.
Well, last night I sent an email to her asking if she would attend retrouvaille weekend with me. Here is her response. "Its all about working on marriage or a way to see if ending the marriage is really a good idea. I told you more than enough times that I have moved on and am not going to come back. We really don't need to learn how to talk to each other. Once you have moved on it will be easier for me to actually talk to you, because now when we talk it ALWAYS goes back to you having to bring up me giving you another chance so you can show me how you have "changed". I'm sure down the road, if we are ever friends it will be easier to communicate with each other. This is a line from the site, "You will, however, be encouraged to put the past behind you and start rediscovering each other". Right now I do not want to rediscover you I want to end it and continue to live my life as I am living it right now. I AM HAPPY, and just want to put this all behind me".
