Sorry I've been fairly absent here, but I've been extremely busy lately with work. On the R side of life, there has been some decent improvements, however I'm trying to see if they are permanent. In the past, when I felt there was some light, W would not only flop back to old alien but emphasis it with some R discussion. So right now I'm trying to decide if change is for real, or is W just trying to throw me off balance again.
Some of my positives right now have to be being supportive, not focusing on R issues, then not letting my self get wrapped up in any negatives. I'm trying each day to see W positives and remember why I loved her in the first place. Why did we catch each other's eyes? What worked?
I have been focusing on my spiritual side. Trying to forgive and just worry about my own issues. Just realizing that I have no real effect on how or what W will become or do. I have made sure I am only letting those things I control for myself, decide where I will go. Well let's see how this all plays out.
So right now I'm trying to decide if change is for real, or is W just trying to throw me off balance again.
I *so* get that, so I think I'll follow my own advice here: just try to keep yourself steering straight through the storm. You'll know eventually if the changes are for real or just temporary. I hope they're real. I really do.
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Some of my positives right now have to be being supportive, not focusing on R issues, then not letting my self get wrapped up in any negatives. I'm trying each day to see W positives and remember why I loved her in the first place. Why did we catch each other's eyes? What worked?
Excellent plan!
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I have made sure I am only letting those things I control for myself, decide where I will go.
Just wanted to wish all a happy Thanksgiving and to remind us that there is things to be thankful for. Take a few minutes to think about this and let it build your PMA.
Hi Phoenix! You seem to be back on track with DB'ing. Awesome! Hope you had a great Thanksgiving weekend. Yes, we all have so much for which to be thankful.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Hey BeingMe, it's good to see you back up on the boards again. Hopefully things are moving in a positive direction for you. I keep having to refocus on my PMA so that I won't let the negative get a strong hold.
Right now I find myself trying to figure out what more I can do to turn this thing around. Things seem to be slipping in a direction that I don't want to see things go, sort of W way of saying, "hey, I do have control over this sitch, you just haven't caught on yet". However, every time I feel negative creeping in, something positive pokes up. Never did I think I would ever have to work on my PMA on a day to day, hour to hour, basis in my life. I guess there is a good reason for me to be stubborn some days. Let me say this though, I'm only stubborn when I know I'm standing up for what is right. What an obnoxious trait.
Hang in there Phoenix...you'll never go wrong when you choose to stand for what's right. Even if it means living hour to hour. It might seem sometimes that your efforts are futile, but if you know they're the right efforts, they will have influence. Whether you know it or not.
And yet, how much control does your W really have, if she has to manipulate things? I think you give her way more power in your R than she actually has. Perhaps you may need to detach a bit more, and not care if the M ends or not. It's not in your control so you may as well not care. Ultimately, the final decision is God's.
I am still in 'emotionally detached' mode, and it helps me a lot. I think my H knows I don't care one way or the other if he stays or goes. In a way, it makes him more desperate to keep the M .... I think! Detaching also prevents a lot of hurt for me.
Just a thought!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Maybe I'm not getting this detachment thing right. Perhaps I do care too much. It's very hard for me to just shut out something I have cared about so much for so long. What I've have done is when the D word comes up I take the, "well if you have to go, you have your choice". But according to W, "that's not what needs to happen".
She says that she's not leaving the kids and she's not going to move them. So I guess she's stuck. Her approach is that she is trying to prove to me that I'm not really needed for this "family" to survive, she can handle it without me. However, I've let her know that I don't believe in D and that I'm not leaving. So where does that leave W? Fence-sitting.
Let's see, what words of non-DB recommendations have I received,
Tell W to leave.
Take back my _____. Quit being "whipped".
Buy her some flowers once in a while.
Buy her a massage for Christmas. (yeah, I about lost it on that one also)
Isn't it amazing that the people that we use to have a lot to do with before, who have figured out what is going on, don't socialize much with us any more. Both the guys and the girls have lost patience with W. Those who have been down the path, say, "don't do it". Those who have been M, can't figure out why. All of them are, she needs to figure this out and "get off the pot".
Positives,
W share info about activities more.
I trying to be more social with old friends. Some are starting to see the changes.
W is not trying to fill her time with "anything and everything".
PS is learning to work with what I can and don't let the rest bring me down.
I am starting to get more productive at work again.
Maybe I'm not great at dropping the rope, but at least I haven't lit it and dropped it. (There are days).
Pray, re-focus and sleep. My prescription for success.
Sounds like a stalemate. Hmm, where have I seen that before?
Is W still sleeping on the couch? Yes? then change YOUR bedroom, make it you. Do a makeover if you can or want, but change at least a few things. Move her stuff out of the dresser and the closet into cardboard boxes.
Idunno, it's just me I guess, but I think you really need to rattle her cage, shake things up, and honestly make changes for yourself. Nothing out of spite or vengence, but a taste of how her life would be without PS doing everything for her. Don't worry and wonder if she is watching, she can eat your dust or move forward with you if she desires.
disclaimer - do as I say and not as I do.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Hi Phoenix! I have been getting some scriptural thoughts via email, and here is one that I think applies to our sitches:
"Sometime in the eternities to come, we will see that our trials were calculated to cause us to turn to our Heavenly Father for strength and support. Any affliction or suffering we are called upon to bear may be directed to give us experience, refinement, and perfection."
--Delbert L. Stapley, "The Blessings of Righteous Obedience", Ensign, Nov. 1977
I am counting on the above! Now, if I can just be more obedient to the Word, I may actually have a shot at perfection.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I *so* get that, so I think I'll follow my own advice here: just try to keep yourself steering straight through the storm. You'll know eventually if the changes are for real or just temporary. I hope they're real. I really do. 
