What do YOU want? Do you know it's okay to want what you want, that it's not selfish? Do you trust that you love your daughters beyond reason, and that you would never ever do anything to hurt them?
Sit with the two options, and pay attention to how each one makes you FEEL. Take your brain out of it. Your brain is a wonderful tool, but it's not always a great guidance system. Sit and fully imagine each of the two scenarios. Really picture it in your head. How do you FEEL? Which scenario FEELS better?
Pick that one.
Honestly, if it were me I'd start my own new tradition. Things are only going to get more complicated in the future...and can you imagine OW there in your house with the girls in the next year or two? Because it will be impossible to celebrate "happy family" style in the future without her involved. Like it or not, she's going to be a part of the family....
So, could you do this? Because if you can't, you need to stop it now. I don't have kids, but I'm married to a man whose parents are divorced and that makes the holidays nutty. I've seen it both ways: my divorced in-laws and their spouses all together as well as separate celebrations. I have to tell you, the kids (and me!) prefer the separate celebrations because even after 20-years of divorce and remarriages, there's a constant tension between them. They can't stand each other, and it no matter how cordial everyone is, it's just unpleasant.
Be aware, though, that you may have to agree to switch off Christmas mornings from year to year to be "fair." Or not...I think you have a lot more leverage than you think you do....
And sweetie, I actually got up and applauded you when I read you took your cookbook back. Good for you. It's the start of a really good roar...
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
I thought about what I would post when I got home, and SD has said it already.
Having their father there might be nice, and it might be very confusing to your girls. If you have an agreement that says you'll "swap Christmas Eve night through Christmas Morning Wakeup custody" year by year, do you think you'll be at his house on Christmas Morning next year?
You're a great Mom and you've proven that again and again. Trust yourself.
Suzy,
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Okay, after reading the other opinions I think a lot of people have a point when they say it is time for new traditions.
You can listen to your gut, too. I found that sometimes I would see my own sitch in the ones that were posted. It's good to live and learn together, gaining from one another's experiences. It's also good to know when we need to follow our own best instincts.
I'm not saying it's wrong to change your mind, or right to share Christmas morning, just that sometimes I have looked for answers, here and elsewhere (like from my T), that have to come from inside me. Maybe that's the best my experience can offer anyone else.
I had a lot of examples from my own sitch, during the S, after the D was final, and even this upcoming holiday season, which I was going to post here. Besides the fact that this is Julie's thread and I'm already toying with megapostness (while my writing to the evening still awaits), I don't think I have any answers. So now I'll shut up.
Thanks,
Joe
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
I do need to put my self first, but I have this thing, that my kids will always come before me
And I hear you. But this reminds me of a convo I had w/ my C last week. Basicall I was telling her about H calling the day before as I was making dinner and he was across the street so he wanted to come see the kids. And I said ok b/c it was best for the kids. And my C asked "Is it really? Or is it best for them to be able to have their time with their mom?" So just something to think about. That sometimes you need to put yourself 1st so the kids see that and also that your time with the kids has value and maybe they need that uninterrupted time w/ you.
I am thinking this thru and I have in no way made up my mind... but here's what I am feeling...
I want to start new traditions w/ my kids, starting now. And no, this isn't something that will be happening every year, sorry. So wanting to start my traditions now is important. Also, I don't think it will be good for the kids. Have I mentioned lately that D6 has been asking me EVERY DAY why we can't just un-divorce? Sorry, I don't think it's good for my kids. They will spend Christmas Eve and Christmas day w/ their dad. But I am leaning toward keeping the morning mine.
And do I feel selfish? Hmmm... a little. But I also feel entitled. I want to have MY time with the kids. I don't encroach on his time. This isn't about making things equal to me. It's about having my time and my traditions with the kids.
So... we'll see what happens as this percolates in my brain and as I talk to my counselor and advisors.
Thanks to all who have taken the time to respond. It means a lot. And most of you have hit my position on the head. Thanks.
So, I am having a GREAT morning... I love this time of year. For those of you who didn't know me last Christmas, I started a tradition with my kids that Jingle and Jangle, Santa's elves, would come to visit every night in December leading up to Christmas. Some nights they would decorate the house with snowflakes or bring little treats. Anyway, last night the girls were being pretty good, but not sharing wonderfully so I mentioned that it's only another 3.5 weeks until december when J&J come and that they are watching us right now. It was amazing. The girls were wonderful last night. And this morning, I came downstairs and D6's light was on. Odd, I thought and I tried to remember if I had turned it on before getting in the shower, but I didn't remember going downstairs. And this is a kid who I have to beg to get out of bed in the morning... well, she's in the bathroom brushing her teeth and she's fully dressed. I about fell over. So she told me to look in her room (it was an absolute pig sty last night) and it was spotless and her laundry was in the basket and her bed was made. I seriously about fell over. I swooned. Blew my mind. I love this time of year.
You go girl! This is about new traditions and making a new memories. You are so smart. You don't need us....sheesh!
That's such a great idea with extending the holidays and at the sametime killing 2 birds with one stone. That's what I'm talkin' about. Hey do you think I could use it on myself? I mean if I had a treat to look forward to everynight maybe maybe that would give me insentive to get something constructive done instead of hanging out in a bubble bath or talking on the phone....NAH!
I agree with everyone else. If there is ever a time or a reason to put yourself first, this would be it. He needs to face it, things have changed. He did the changing and you have a right to have your wishes honored. Now he'll have to live with the consequences, and I guess right now it's about xmas morning.
Yeah, I saw this. Thanks. he he he... Now it will be locked in for all time in black and white. What, did you get hit on the head on the way in to work?
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You don't need us....sheesh
Need and want are two different things... but I do need you all, you know that.
Gracious as always. I hope if I take 1 thing away from this friendship it will be your modesty. (you're getting really good at tooting your own horn at my expense!)
By the way, I did bang my head getting in the car. How did you know? Did I say something out of charachter and nice? Cause I don't remember a thing and I'll deny it if asked. I really don't know who wrote that!
I hope if I take 1 thing away from this friendship it will be your modesty
I'm sure that was a misprint... Or are you really that silver-tongued???
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(you're getting really good at tooting your own horn at my expense!)
Thanks for noticing... we narcissistic types like the attention.
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By the way, I did bang my head getting in the car.
This reminds me of my favorite episode of 'The Office'... the one where Michael burns his foot on his George Foreman grill in his bedroom and when Dwight is rushing off to get him, he drives his car into a pole and then gets out and throws up all over his car. Funny stuff... Did you at least manage to miss your shoes this time?
