Sorry about the sleeping arrangements, it sucks. Mr WCW used that same tactic after his injury to avoid 'making a decision'. After 3 years I would think the couch would get uncomfortable but he's not budging. The only thing laughable is that now I can dig back thru my threads and throw all your couch jokes back at you.
I think you are being stubborn Phoenix, and from one stubborn person to another, I say congratulations! I just think we need to be careful not to let stubborn and pride get too mixed together.
Chin up, eyes on the horizon.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
This was sent to me, and I thought about our sitches:
"If our hearts are right before God, adversity will school us, help us overcome our carnal nature, and nurture the divine spark within us. Were it not for adversity, we would not know to “choose the better part.” Adversity helps us see where we need to repent, to bring into subjection baser instincts, to embrace righteousness and enjoy peace of conscience."
--Keith B. McMullin, "Be Prepared … Be Ye Strong from Henceforth", Ensign, Nov. 2005, 10
I have recently been thinking, Phoenix, that the difficult times in our lives are only as important and destructive as we allow it to be. Sometimes, we allow others' actions to rule our lives. And, when all is said and done, in a hundred years time, today won't matter much, except in when we have to face our Maker and explain our decisions to Him.
So, no advice, just some philosophical thoughts. Take care.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
It's funny that you posted this today BeingMe, because I was thinking of just that phrase in regards to Phoenix's last comment to me about making changes that are best for us as opposed to changing for the sake of change: Choose the better part.
I think that it's entirely possible that the difficult times in our lives present opportunities for us to realize that there are choices out there waiting to be made that we never realized existed prior to our trials.
I read this passage in a book recently, and it really hit me:
C.S. Lewis believed that "we are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea."
And, I think that you are correct in what you said: "the difficult times in our lives are only as important and destructive as we allow it to be."
Thanks for the philosophical "couch talk". Last week W was complaining on how hard it was to get over a cold when she wasn't sleeping well (on the couch). My first urge/response was a De-Da-DE. Next was a "here's your sign". However I used good DB approach and validated and stayed non judgmental. But I did have to go quickly in the other room.
Getting back to what you said. You are right, I do feel that this thing is far from over and some day I will look back at this and realize that it was a learning experience. I know some day the "tape will be rolled back", I'm glad I'll just be there as a viewer and won't have to answer for it.
For many years my stubbornness has paid off, I never thought it would be used as a force for good. However it's nice to know that it can be for something as noble as saving a M. As long as I have this "gift" and W does not loss her spiritual goals/gifts, I think we can make this work.
Some days I really can't tell if I should be in piecing or some other forum. W gets so feed up with me that I won't just "get it" and leave. She figures all the work that should have been done, has already been done by her, it's just time for me to graciously accept her "edict" and move on (out) so that she can get on with her life. Of course my putting in all this effort is just putting more stress on the kids. (yeah right, all my fault).
So, should I be in piecing. Don't know, couldn't find the "dealing with an alien" section. Had to call her on a few things this evening, so things were not exactly pleasant for a little bit there, but she knows I'm still convicted. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would get to a point in my life where I have done the absolute best I could in a marriage, then still end up at a crossroads like this. I never thought that the sweet, quiet girl I met would turn into such a harsh, sour person. It tears me up to be treated like an outsider in my own home, by my W.
Sorry about the vent/rant. I guess I deserve the unloading I got tonight, I kind of got frustrated and had to push for an answer. But I do know that she was probably trying to push my buttons. Sometimes I wish I wasn't such a nice guy, I feel to often I'm used because of it. W knows I'm trying to be a better me, then works that to her advantage.
OK, rant finished.
Positives
I am getting so that I can focus better at work.
I make sure I am being the best Dad that I can be.
I have learned to stay busy so that I can't bring myself down.
Work continues on letting go. Tonight I will have to do that so that I can sleep and function tomorrow.
Phoenix--I'm so sorry you are having to suffer because of W's issues. It's ironic how we humans can think *we've* done everything required (when we really have no idea of the beams of our eyes) and expect others to do the hard work. Pretty crappy when you're the 'other' person. I have no doubt that you are often used for being a nice guy...I'm the same way.
What do you think would happen if one day you just said, "OK W, you can have what you want...here's your separation...?" (Not that I'm suggesting it, but I'm interested to see what you think.)
Keep focusing on the positives--you are walking the path you need to walk for whatever reason. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Vent all you want Phoenix--I hope you managed to get some sleep and that today goes as smoothly as possible.
It seems that since surgery your W has been more determined to shake things up. IMO, stay your ground, but if she is so blasted determined to split then help her pack her bags. Ask her which one she would like help with first. It's a big hand to play, but do you think she would do?
I'd be happy for your company in Hopefulness. I don't consider that a name for my M necessarily, but my life that I continue to strive for.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Thanks AUD and WCW for your words. It was so hard last night to just hold back on what was flowing through my mind. I ended up just stating the necessary stuff and letting the rest ride. With what I said, she should know I'm still committed to what I believe, but I'm still letting her take "ownership" of what is her problem.
Somehow I still think there is something there that she is not acknowledging or dealing with. There is just too much hard feelings and anger over what has been portrayed as "lack of love". Too much seems to set her off too easily.
Right now I would just be happy for a W who would even have half an inclination to work on this M. I'm hoping some plans later in the week might help, but right now I've learned to have faith, however don't let things get you too excited. Right now, even the best of opportunities would be viewed negatively by W.
I will make a showing over in Hopefullnes, even though I am definately not a poster child for that forum.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
