[psluke]

Wouldn't it be easier to just kick 33% of the problem in the a$$?

Head shaking.... All, All, Haven't you got the theme yet from C2H's thread???????

FORGIVENESS!!!!!!!!! For all!

[inspiredjulie]

Well, unfortunately, 33% of the problem already got the boot.

[psluke]

Interesting, verrrrrrry interesting!!!!!!!!!!

[ALL6785]

Wouldn't it be easier to just kick 33% of the problem in the a$$?

Head shaking.... All, All, Haven't you got the theme yet from C2H's thread???????

FORGIVENESS!!!!!!!!! For all!

Forgiveness sounds difficult and stressful, I'm a slacker, I like instant gratification!

Seriously, I have nothing but respect for you C2 and I understand that having a relationship with your children can be a powerful motivator. I just don’t want to see Mr X treat you like a doormat and I am wondering where you draw the line? The whole concept of dealing with Mr X so EX doesn’t have to get caught in the middle is very confusing. I am puzzled as to why Mr X gets to make the rules or be involved at all for that matter.

[BaseballAnnie]

Julie, I'm hung up on the percentages. How do you divide it in three equal parts?

Seems to me, if you have two people in a marriage that fails, you assess blame 50-50. But if you bring another person into it, with one of the people in the marriage, that OP gets a percentage but it doesn't serve to reduce the percentage of the spouse that hooked up with them, does it?

In other words, how is your percentage still the same as your H's when he's hooked up with someone....seems like his went up, she has some, yours goes down?

But then I always sucked at math.

Or this could be a physics question? Sucked at that too.

Statistics?

Forget about it.

[Committed2Him]

So how do you decide to draw the line between seeking a harmonious relationship and allowing yourself to be treated like a doormat

ALL,

That is the $64k question. I sought harmony, during the marriage, through the D and afterwards BUT even last week's email on my other thread shows that X and I are like oil and water, apparently. Mr. X, apparently from some of the stuff he has read (or from other motives) sensed the need for X and I to have more distance. I really have forgiven her (ok, I know you all heard that before) but she is still harboring resentment otherwise she wouldn't go off on rants like she does. So distance and having a buffer- BELIEVE IT OR NOT- MR. X, seems to be the ticket. He reiterated that he told her to back off on discussing certain subjects with me that would launch me into a defense mode of my actions, choices or behavior, things that do not affect her or the kids. In other words, things that are none of her beeswax. Go figure, the home wrecker is an ally.

The boundaries need to be set and as strange as it may seem Mr. X IS serving a purpose in helping to establish and maintain these boundaries. Wish I could offer you more.

Julie,

I feel for your situation, I had similar feelings every time I would see Mr. X at an event or when I take my kids to the newlyweds house. They have a lot of glass facing the street so I can see him walk accross the living room everytime he goes to open the door while I sit in my car on the street. Like your OW, Mr. X was instrumental in the Divorce and breaking up of my home and he's one step ahead of your slow poke in that he already married my X. Hang in there! (I gotta ask you something, would you email me? Here's my emai: [e-mail]

[ALL6785]

I nominate C2 for sainthood!

[Committed2Him]

All,

I posted before reading your response (I got on some phone calls with the reply window open), hopefully my response adds some clarity.

Imagine a battle between two neighboring nations sitting down for a truce. X is conquered territory, already in Mr. X's possession. We have to negotiate safe passage, trade, undefined boundaries, our diplomatic communications channels etc.

If this were onesided then I could very well feel like a doormat but I hold some aces too. IF the terms are unreasonable, I have no problem telling him so and telling him to run them by my X. Now I have regular communication with X on minor logistics, daily communication via eamil and text. IF I feel like what is being suggested or dictated is not acceptable AND is not in the best interest of the kids I will tell him I need to hear it from X.

Fortunately, as I shared with my brothers from church, during our meeting Saturday, I feel like it could not have gone better if I had scripted the dialogue. In reality, God did and Mr. X did not say anything that was unreasonable and even added reason to the situation, making suggestions thats will douse the smoldering embers of the flames my X generates. WHAT? Yep, he made the situation better.

I struggled in this marriage with this woman for 10 plus years and my journal points back to her being unhappy and threatening divorce in 1993. I was a doormat to her, kissing her @ss the wole time- appeasement did not work. He can have her!!! I love he as my sister in Christ but she ain't my problem no more.

Mr. X is a man and I'll go toe toe with him if I have to where my kids are concerned BUT he realizes X is momma bear to her cubs. He better not mess with them, their happiness or their relationship between their dad and them. X first child, my stepson who lives with me (25) was jacked around by his dad, one of those "no-show, promise making, promise breaking" dads. X knows that I was a good "dad" to him (he calls me "dad" and calls his bio father by his first name). X understands and encourages the preservation of the father/child relationship EVEN though she D'd me. So obviously, she does allow her personal desires to override doing the right thing like opening up in counseling and taking heed of what the professionals would tell her in our sessions. Still, the kids remain her priority with the exception of infidelity and divorce (ok, so she ain't the perfect mom, )

Anyhow, back to Mr. X. we sat face to face, and reasoned like I never could with my X. Go figure!

[Committed2Him]

I nominate C2 for sainthood!

dude, I am just so blessed that I would get out of the way and listen to Godly counsel and work on forgiveness as understood the bible dictating to me. I DID NOT WANT TO DO IT!!!!!

I can't express how free I truly feel. I wanted to post something else yesterday and hope to post it before I go see my D after school, (she forgot her uniform so I had to go to her houes to get it, the same thing I got blasted for a couple of weeks ago with my son but now it's "cool" to do so).

[ALL6785]

Wow! I never quite thought about it that way. My EX once told me that she thought I would get along great with one of the guys she was seeing. I laughed at the ridiculous notion, but in a strange way I can actually see how it would be possible for Mr X to be a mediator of sorts since the emotions aren’t working double time.

All I can say is Wow! I just don’t quite know how I would quite ever get over the urge to rip his head off. I’m not sure how you did it but I’m happy you have reached this point C2.