I would leave off the first sentence. Let that go unstated. I would say that my family has asked us to come for Christmas. I assume you and the kids would prefer to go to your sister's. How about I go to my parents' house and you go to your sister's? That way you are not condemning them for any past behavior. You are just saying what you would like to do. You could invite them all to go to your parents' house, eveb though we all know she won't go. Still, then you can say that they were invited. Otherwise she can say that you didn't invite her or the kids to your parents' house. And that's not the case, you were just jumping to the compromise without trying to pull everything in your direction.
On the other hand, if she will not let you out of the Xmas with her family, don't say anything about them not treating you well. Instead say that you don't feel comfortable there. And ask her to speak to them about trying to make you feel comfortable so you won't want to go to Xmas at your family's. Be careful not to insult them. You just feel out of place there, maybe they could make you feel more welcome. That is not accusatory. That is talking about your needs. A different thing entirely.
Thank you, those are better suggestions. However, she will know what the real reason is even if I don't say it. Christmas with her family has always been a priority. In the 20 years we are married, we spent ONE Christmas Day with my family. One! For years I wanted to alternate the holidays, but she would not budge.
Her reasons were that my family, all they did was talk around the kithen table. I might add that her family does the same thing around the dining room table. Its petty, I know but as you see, I always gave in because it wasn't worth the argument. That is her mother's doing too. One year, when we were engaged, it was a given that Thanksgiving was with my family, Christmas was with hers. One year, her mother insisted that I spend Thanksgiving with them instead because her middle daughter was going to college that year and it would be the last year with her daughter (which was not really the case). I remember saying, what, is she dying, the LAST YEAR!. Naturlly, my wife agreed with her mom.
In any event, I still went to my parents home on Thanksgiving and as I was eating, my wife, (engaged at the time) says in front of my family, don't eat too much, we are going to my parents in a in a couple of hours. So that put me in a spot to not eat, even though I was still hungry, and insult my mother at the same time. I remember my mom staring at me at her remark. Consequently, I asked for more food which upset my fiance at the time.
I can't help thinking that even if my wife wanted to work or reconcile our relationship, her family will be against it. So that puts her in a tough spot. She has to decide between reconcilation, her own opinions and those of her family, especially her mother.
So you see, regarding Christmas, my wife and her family has to have it their way. But why do I have to spend Christmas, a day Catholics believe that Jesus was born, a day He came into the world because He loved everyone, and spend it among people who hate me? That will be tough and last year, for the 6 hrs I spent there, all they really said was hello and goodbye.
Limbo, Thanks so much for the insight, I just asked my husband if he would be interested in going. I was really nervous about asking. ( you can read some background from my previous posts)
I have been thinking about it for about 2 months and when everything went south I threw the pamphlet away.
Well this past weekend was nice, and if I didn't know any better I would have thought we were back to normal.(except for intimacy)We talked about R and had some tears but in the end we spent some quality time together.
I thought I'd give it another try since we are at a different place now in the relationship. We are not so angry although he cannot forgive himself and still feels that there is nothing there for me in him.
When I brought Retrouvaille up tonight he said he would bring it to work tomorrow and read it. I told him we could still go through with the seperation if he wanted.We both have lawyers now.
He said he would read it but would make no promises.(That kinda hurt, but at least he's reading it!)
I will keep my fingers crossed and hopefully he wants to come with me with an open mind.
Question is , how am I going to approch him tommoroww about how he feels and if he wants to give it a try?
I don't want to pressure him and yet I want to reassure him that it is between me and him.
I told him it is about the two of us learning to communicate He is dead set against anything that has to do with councelling or marriage therapy.
I think this may be my last chance. Did I jump at this too quickly? I'm pretty nervous.....
Anything else that I could add to the pamphlet when talking to him tommorrow, from those who have already gone and are also dead set against therapy or coucelling would be great. I really want to make this work by not making him feel pressured.
Thanks
"Sometimes in the winds of change, we find our true direction"
That's good that he will read the pamphlet and consider it. I remember when I first saw the retrouvaille info, I thought they didn't say very much about what to expect in the pamphlet. You are correct, it is not counseling or therapy. It is other couples who have been through bad times together talking about their lives and how they solved their problems. No one asks you to speak about your life at all. You just talk to each other.
The weekend can give you good closure if you decide to separate, or it can be a turning point to rebuilding your marriage. Or I guess it could be nothing, and you come out the same as you go in. But we found it to be a wonderful experience that brought us back together, and opened our eyes to the good qualities in each other.
I think one of the most important things about the weekend is that it helps to see your marriage in a positive light. Instead of focusing on the negatives, you look at the positive. Simply that change in how you look at your spouse and your life is a tremendous help. Now I consciously make the effort to keep my focus on the positive. As a result, it's been almost a year since our Retrouvaille weekend, and we are still very happy together. We didn't lapse back into the old bad habits and hostility.
I hope your husband will agree to go. Making that first step to work cooperatively is really the most important thing.
I'd like to add that's what the presenters say the first night - you will not lose anything by going. The worse case scenario is that you leave exactly as you came on Friday evening.
My H and I are in the post sessions (we had #2 this past Sunday) and it's helping him look within and figure his feelings out. He says he does not love me (or have those feelings) but he is still willing to try...baby steps is all I can get right now. We did not have some huge relationship altering weekend but it did start to remove the fears I had and we no longer feel so paralyzed in moving forward (together or apart is still the issue...)
Good Luck!
HB
Me41 H44 * M16 yrs * D13 S10 8/06 H wants a D * 1/07 OW Truth 2/07 Searated * 7/07 H moved home First Thread Surviving Separation Now Piecing
After praying on what I should do on the Holidays, I will spend Christmas with my in-laws, unless of course I am not invited.
This is an opportunity for me as I see it. Maybe the Lord will touch their hearts by seeing how calm and how much at Peace I am with myself. And if they continue to react the same as far as condeming my faith, I will ignore it and give this to Jesus and pray for them still.
Well I just asked H if he read the pamphlet and he said yes.
Then he made this alien face and said a priest????
I explained to him that it was 1 0n 1 me and him. Can someone please give me more details!!!!!! The pamphlet wasn't very detailed.
What actually goes on there? He thinks this is like a "Koombia retreat" Grrrrr
he said he wants to think about it and that he has a lot on his mind right now WTF ...so do I!!!!!
It is not for a few more months ,I told him and well he had to go to his brothers right now for blah blah blah...who cares
I know this was probably wrong to say but I said "look, whats the worst that could happen? That we get nothing out of it? " "I want it for our communication because ALL we do is walk away when we should be civil(as he's walking away... )our marriage is over I get it!" Not so good to say I know, but I was so hopeful....
I got in my car before he left and went for a ride....
I could just hit something!!!!
I'll go punch the sh&t out of his pillow!
Can someone give me the details so that I can tell him more detailed version of the wknd?
I'm getting a "brought on by alien headache"
"Sometimes in the winds of change, we find our true direction"
