I hope some day W will share with me what caused some of her shifts from totally negative to almost normal. Most days I am sitting there trying to figure out what I have done, for both sides of the coin. I guess the saying of "keep doing what's right and things will turn out alright", certainly stands true most days.
I sure wish some days I could video tape what I go through day to day with R. Why do I get this feeling that when this is all said and done W will have "rose colored" vision of how this all went. I guess as long as it all plays out the right way, it doesn't matter.
I think you're right. We, as the LBS's, could honestly keep a lot of resentment over what our spouses have done, not just to us, but to our children, our entire lives, our outlook on life, etc., but I continue to try to look at it positively.
If the D sitch had NOT happened, where would we be now. If things had continued the way they were and H had not said "enough" when he did, would it then have been too late to turn things around?
Yes, our spouses could have certainly handled things differently and they could have even done things to improve the M or communiated how unhappy they were earlier so that it never even got to the point of the D sitch, however, I don't know that we as the LBS's would have seen how serious it really was.
I know in my sitch, H probably did try at times to communicate his unhappiness, however, not obviously often enough over the YEARS that the problems/issues continued to build, but I wasn't ready to *hear* it maybe or even ready to *DO* anything about it.
Until I realized how serious it was, as sad as that is, would I have made the changes I have? Would we be where we are today? Would the *new* M we are rebuilding w/ our spouses be as wonderful as they have the potential to be?
I always wondered what was going on in H's mind as well. How from day to day, he could decide to stay and then turn around and be so very angry w/ me again and decide he could not stay no matter what.
I think our *mission* is partially to make sure we live on that fine line between remembering the lessons we've learned, continuing to work on ourselves and making ourselves happy, therefore our relationships happy, and not *dwelling* on the HUGE negatives of the sitch we went through.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I sure wish some days I could video tape what I go through day to day with R. Why do I get this feeling that when this is all said and done W will have "rose colored" vision of how this all went.
I've felt this way too, but I find it helpful to remind myself that someday, H will account for his actions and fully understand the magnitude of how he's hurt me. By the same token, I will go through that experience as well.
We are all covered by the Atonement, and there is Someone who understands completely the depth of heartache and pain we are going through. For now, it's easier to leave that up to Him and move on with doing the best we can. I know you already know that...but it's good for me to be reminded too.
Very true, I know that if I get hung up in the negative approach to things, then everything goes further wrong. So I go with what I've been taught here and elsewhere and so far it's been the best approach. Although this M has not been picture perfect, I know in the future, those that really matter will be impressed with the work I have done. For now I take comfort in that.
I guess as long as it all plays out the right way, it doesn't matter.
I think it does matter, Phoenix! It matters, because if we didn't learn from negative actions we have made (which we LBS'ers are trying to do, so one would assume our WAS'ers should also put in the effort of learning from their mistakes), then there is the possibility of it being repeated. And, that would be really a waste of time and effort, IMHO. I feel, sometimes, that I am caught up in a continuous loop with my H, 'cause I don't think he learned anything (just wants to forget about it and move on) from his betrayal, and so there is the possibility he will do it again. He might white-knuckle it for awhile, but I do think there is the potential he will rationalize his way into another A. Time will tell in my sitch, as in yours, I guess.
Otherwise, I am really chuffed that things are moving in a more positive direction for you.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Early in life I had to learn to be quite a "fighter". The only thing I was fairly good at was certain sports, and even then I didn't fit the profile of the gifted athlete. So at each step of my life I have had to prove myself. As a result I guess this is no different.
This evening I sat with a fairly wise friend, he was the child of D and still holds some fairly strong resentment about it. Surprising as this might seem he has a lot of wisdom to offer. He is one of those types who can look at other peoples problems and "nail it", or read what they are and what they are about. I explained to him how things had progressed in the last 48 hours, then asked him what I had done wrong. His answer was nothing, more or less he said, I guess she's(W) got to figure out what is really important in her life and what she is going to do about it.
W always says how the kids are so important to her, however, those from the "been there, seen that" don't feel that she is doing them a lick of good right now. I think like WCW, my W doesn't want to lose. This is more important to her than who gets hurt. Every time she feels herself giving in to "what she should do", her fur goes up and her heals go in.
For my own sanity I'm doing what I know to be right, enjoying what I am doing, keeping my eyes open and appreciating today for what it is. If W goes down the dark path, that will be her choice and she will have to answer for it. What she doesn't understand is how much she relies on me on a day to day basis. The fact that I am not guaranteed to be around post D I think kind of through her. It real hard to work full time and be a full time Mom, without help.
Sorry I haven't posted much, but some days I feel like I've said it all and I don't have much to offer. Hopefully out there some one is winning this battle today.
Hey friend, I know when H starts acting like a normal person that I recognize it affects my detachment. My guess is that happens to you too, we get sucked back in and it's almost as hard as way back in the beginning. Silly isn't it? I try to keep my bubble in the middle, but it gets harder. Yes, my H said he would win this game. Funny part about that is we started playing this game (our M) and we were on the same team. Now he only plays for himself.
Chin up, buddy. Eyes on the horizon.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
I like the e-mail that Michelle sent today, about forgiveness, I am really having to remind myself of that right now. Perhaps what has kept me on track so far is that I am trying to do the right thing and there is no failure in that. Even if things don't go as planned, I have no shame in what I have tried to accomplish.
Good luck on you trip to the "spa", hopefully others will step up and cover where H is not.
There are days when I can't think of much to say, then there are days when I just have to say something. I've noticed most of the time it has to do with if I got enough sleep. The last few days I have been focusing on that. It seems to keep my PMA a little higher, which is needed most days.
I think W is still trying to figure out some way to function as a family, without looking like she caved in. Unfortunately the latest is that W follows the same sleeping approach as Mr. WCW. But it's obvious that it's not working too well physically, so we'll see how long "that heal drags". So days if it wasn't so sad and so involved in the sitch, you would have to laugh at the stupid behavior that goes on in sitchs.
As I've said in a few other threads I have decided to figure out who I am, be my best me, then let W figure out how she is going to deal with it. No I'm not being stubborn, I'm just not going to over fix the problem. I've learn, with my years in industry, only create the best you can support. Anything else will produce problems and require more changes, it only a matter of time.
My thoughts are with you WCW. Hope the "spa" experience worked out.
