Its been an interesting week. We had a huge discussion Wed about her moving out, where she was going, etc as well as me going into a big R talk, which I know was a big no no. I also know some of her friends had some really interesting 'talks' with her this week.
Now...whats interesting is she started to mention some 'noticing' comments about me. My appearance, clothing, etc.
I sort of 'detached' when I told her father that our M was completely over.
And...i GAL by going out of town this weekend with some buddies.
So what happens? she emails me that she's been noticing the changes in me, really appreciates them and all the effort I have made for her, and wants to remain home and put 100% effort into our relationship again. Downside is she says we are 'dating' and she is willing to work hard for 3 months on this. I take all this as a huge positive and am not concerned about the 'timeframe'...all I'm concerned with is continuing doing what I have been and trying to make progress each day. The deadline wont matter if I accomplish those goals. 'Dating' to me means she wants to do things and have fun with me. It's up to me to make it happen. My reply to her was that I was very excited but know we each have to work very hard to make it work and that I would be patient and take it slow.
So, yes...I have a smile on my face and am surprised. Very happy on this turn of events.
Just one thing - this is a time when it is easy to "relax" and backslide into old habits. Don't let that happen - crank up your DBing another notch instead!
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
Hey Tostada, haven't posted to you in a while since you are in such good hands with Rob and Sandi. I have checked on you every day though.
HA! and look at your posts from September. I am very, very, very happy for you.
Some other thoughts; First, what Rob said, don't relax...well sort of relax. Now you should be able to lighten up and breath a bit. Be a little less hyper sensitive. Be fun and light. DO NOT relax your DBing. You want to do more DBing but sort of be more stealthy. Talk less about R. Just be cool and fun.
DO NOT get overly, outwardly, excited. This is great news but your work here ain't over yet.
DO NOT get freaked if the R seems to move forward but then a week later things slip back a bit. It will happen, or appear to happen. When things start to improve, people start to get expectations. When those expectation (which may or may not be reasonable) are not met, even if things ARE improving and moving forward, we LBS tend to wig out. It is real easy to do. Beware of this pit fall. It can really set you back.
BTW I agree about the timeframe thing. I even heard similar from my W. If you accomplish your goals, the timeframe won't mean a thing.
DON'T PUSH on the working on the relationship. Her idea of trying 100% is NOT going to be your idea of trying 100%. I promise you this. Take what she gives. Most likely she has been wounded deeper and will take longer to heal than you can possibly grasp. Any step forward is good, even just not going backward is still good. Patience.
Congratulations, I can't recall being happier for someone I have never met.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
However....I know that it's possible her feelings arent quite in line yet with what she apparently knows is the right thing in the long run. I appreciate that she's willing to validate them.
My question on the DB'ing....I believe one of my 'weaknesses' in her eyes was I never created the schedule in a sense. Is persuing still taboo at this stage? Can I ask her to lunch, a drink, perhaps schedule a trip for just the two of us in a month? I know I also have to not try to smother her with attention.
What's interesting is I'm not even totally sure what all my changes are. Whatever they are, she likes what she's seeing. I think its helping out around the house and with the kids significantly more, reconnecting with friends, and working out and taking care of myself. I assume it's those and I'll keep doing all of them.
You should have huge PMA right now. Just don't let her see you get like an over excited puppy. Cool and serene. Imagine if Kane from Kung-Fu just won the lottery.
I don't think you should even be thinking about her feelings being in line with what is right. That still sounds like the urge to control or mold things to how you think it should be.
Your DB'ing question regarding your weakness is tough to answer without being able to see how you were in the past. I think I get what you are saying about not creating the schedule so to speak. So if creating a schedule would be a 180, try it. Someone around here made the great analogy about setting the timing on your car. Make a tweak, see how the R runs. If better, keep going. If worst, try something else. Small tweaks I think. A drink, a lunch. That might be OK. A trip for just to two of you is too much way too soon I think. Maybe think about it as starting over from scratch. Would you take your new girlfriend away on a trip after only a month together?
Sounds like you do know what your changes are. Just stick to the party line. Do more of what works, less of what doesn't. If you got this far, I bet in the near future, she may actually begin to tell you what is working and what changes she appreciates. Don't ask her though, wait for her to tell you.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
So, yes...I have a smile on my face and am surprised. Very happy on this turn of events.
That is fantastic news! Don't get discouraged if W doesn't seem quiet as enthusiastic as you might expect her to be. My W said that she wanted us to 'take it slow' and some other stuff a while ago, then she changed her mind, but her behavior is fitting with her 'taking it slow' idea.
Your W obviously freaked out when she saw that you were serious about moving on without her - Seems to be pretty common across many of the threads here. I guess it takes the right timing of her questioning what she is doing, and you really being ready to just take the next step.
I'm going to be curious how things progress with you and your W in the near future. Three months is a long time - I'd bet she'll forget that expectation within a couple of weeks when she see things being so much better.
Small tweaks I think. A drink, a lunch. That might be OK. A trip for just to two of you is too much way too soon I think. Maybe think about it as starting over from scratch. Would you take your new girlfriend away on a trip after only a month together?
Lots of excellent feedback from DNO today - this was just my favorite!
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
So...went on a date last night with my wife. we went and had a few drinks. we talked for about 2hrs. It was pretty good. I think she still has her guard up a bit. The other line that worried me was she thinks we are still too different and that will be a challenge to her, as well as she's only thinking in a 3month timeframe to figure this out. I told her my goal was to make each day better than the last, and if we did that, then we wont be working towards a deadline.
I think she believes the changes she has noticed in me are to satisfy her and being someone she wants. I told her they werent changing who I am but how I am. I also told her I wasnt totally sure what all the changes she was noticing and she referred to me helping around the house and taking care of myself. I said I came to a realization that I felt bad she had been doing most of the work all these years and I felt she shouldnt have to be doing that, and that I would just do what i noticed needed to be done. Whether thats sharing the load or not, I'm not sure, but I wanted it to be clear that I wanted to be her partner in this and that I didnt think it was fair at all for her to do it all. I also told her that I was working out for me and not her and gave her my goals and reasons why I was working out. One of which is being in better shape to go skiing. She immediately replied that we should go skiing with the family after Xmas. Thought this was nice. All in all, I think she's noticing that I'm being a much more friendly, happier person. I guess in order to be loved, you have to love yourself first. I feel good about all this and dont feel I'm sacrificing myself for her one bit. I feel I'm doing my part and doing all the things I should have been doing anyway.
In reference to above posts about asking her to go on a trip. In our discussion on things we needed to do, she actually brought it up. Saying we should probably go on a trip by ourselves. And...she even mentioned the exact same place I was thinking about, and...roughly the same time. How weird. I told her I had been looking into it as well and had several different ideas. But, I said I wasnt sure if I should ask as I wasnt too confident she would be ready for this yet. As we continued to talk about it, she had said she may not be quite ready, and she would consider it. Not sure if I will bring it up again. May do so if I find a good deal or something like that.
We kissed in the car. I remember one of my earlier goals that was 'shot' down by my advisors was that I had hoped to kiss her by Thanksgiving. We'll, that was accomplished. The kissing was so good, I opened up to her and told her how rough she had been on me and one of the goals I had set was to get a kiss from her. I think she thought that was interesting. Probably not great DB tactics, but I'm glad I broke the ice on this. I guess if this was my first date, I would have tried the same thing if I felt comfortable. I love my wife, of course it's going to feel much more than the first date, but it was an interesting experience and I'm sure glad she kissed back. At home, after kids went to bed, she let me give her a back rub. This led to a little more, but it was nice to get some close time with her. We have had a bit of cuddlying and close time this week. She seems to be opening up to this a bit and coming out of her 'heisman' state where everything I did was pushed off.
Anyway, thats my update. I may not be doing DB by the book. But I think some of my things are actually 180's...opening up, telling her how I feel without ILY, complementing her (she told me she appreciates this), and persuing in the method of making a schedule.
One thing I mentioned to her was this time was really rough on me, but its made me a stronger person. It's made me realize that I care for her more than I realized. It made me realize I had to make changes in myself and make myself happy, and figure out what I want. And, that I would not let it go by again when I didnt show appreciation for her, let her know how I feel for her, and, would put every effort to put us first. I guess I'm admitting my mistakes. But I also told her what I wanted from her.
This is all pretty weird I guess. It seems my biggest threats are the 90day window and her thinking we are too different for the long haul. I'll do my best.
I told her my goal was to make each day better than the last, and if we did that, then we wont be working towards a deadline. ... I also told her that I was working out for me and not her and gave her my goals and reasons why I was working out. ... All in all, I think she's noticing that I'm being a much more friendly, happier person. I guess in order to be loved, you have to love yourself first. I feel good about all this and dont feel I'm sacrificing myself for her one bit. ... It made me realize I had to make changes in myself and make myself happy, and figure out what I want.
Excellent... Excellent... Excellent... Excellent!
Originally Posted By: tostada
We kissed in the car. I remember one of my earlier goals that was 'shot' down by my advisors was that I had hoped to kiss her by Thanksgiving. We'll, that was accomplished.
Yep, I was one of the folks who shot that down. Let me ask you - have you spent the time since then doing things in order to make her kiss you? I don't think so. You have done things to make yourself a stronger, happier guy - and as a result, you transformed into someone she wanted to kiss. There is a WORLD of difference there!
Don't worry too much that you are not DBing exactly "by the book." One of the most important rules IN the book is More of what works, less of what doesn't. And that, my friend, you are doing very well. Keep it up!
And don't worry about that 90-day deadline. You said it yourself - just focus on making each day the best you can!
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
while I feel like I am on a positive road, I know it could potentially change at any moment. I have to think that just last week she was looking for a house to live in. I guess that idea will keep me motivated. She is out of town on work and called tonight just to chat. She didnt call this time to just talk to the kids. How great is that?
I would like to thank everyone for giving me such great advice. It's wonderful to get third party advice with no bias from those that have been through this. In reading other posts from other situations, it's amazing how similar each situation develops. If my scenario plays out well, I think I will start posting on other situations too. I think they deserve to hear what I have gone through. This whole board is amazing therapy to write out your feelings and have people all over care and offer help. I have learned so much.
I guess my biggest piece of advice that I have learned through this is take care of yourself, figure out what you really want, utilize your support group (this helps you get happy), and GET A LIFE. Once you do that and show you can survive, you are looked at much differently.
