Rollar Coasters are no longer fun

[Amy]

Ok so I now did another no no and did more snooping. H gave me password a few days ago to cell account so I could take care of it while he is in the hospital. He has been swearing all alone He hadn't talked to OW prior to the end of August. Well, the cell phone shows them talking back in May. I guess this baby if it is really on the way very well could be his because they have been together since 3 months before he left me at least. I am such a fool.

I honestly don't think there is much left to fight for. I am printing everything and starting to get all my data together for when/if this ends up in court. I will not file for divorce but honestly don't care if he does at this point. All I am getting from this marriage is medical insurance and a ton of headaches.

Night

[Gingersnap]

I am not sure where this will take my relationship with my husband or what I even want anymore but for the first time I am excited about who I can be without him.

This is the best attitude you can have, Amy! I never want to say a M is hopeless, but yours would take a lot of effort on your H's part and right now he's just not capable. But what matters is that you are going to be fine no matter what. I'm just coming around to this realization as well. And it's exciting and a tad scary, since it cools my desire to *fix* our M. I just keep reminding myself that I'm not the one standing in the way of healing our M. You aren't either. You've done all you can so the very best you can do for you and your kids is to work on your own life!

HUGS!!

[AmyC]

I told you on your prayer thread that I'd be putting this here for you, so here ya go:


Amy ~ I'm sorry things are like they are for your family right now. If I can share something I have learned in my own journey, maybe it will help...

Do not get too focused on "am I doing what God wants?" or "Is the restoration of my family God's will?". You are and it is. HOWEVER, in this walk, our focus is so often STUCK on our husbands that we are not fully functioning in His strength nor are we comprehending His guidance. When you reach the point where you can turn your back on your husband (Note: I did not say give up on) in order to save your KIDS, it will be empowering as well as uplifting for you. I had the same experience with my daughter, in that I was not doing all that I could for her with her struggles because I was so afraid of offending my husband. Then came the point where I realized HE is an adult - and as much as I sincerely WANT to be his wife, I HAVE TO BE HER MOTHER. If he was offended because I was being a PARENT - which he struggles to be instead of just her play buddy - well, quite frankly that was HIS problem. The rest will play out in due time. This is the part where your only obligation towards your husband is to keep him in prayer. If you find you can't do that (it happens), ask someone else to pray for him. Busy yourself in your God-ordained role as a mother and let Him work on the rest.

AmyC

[Amy]

Thank you Amy and Ginger. I am doing just that. I can no longer allow him to control me or my emotions. I have taken all the steps necessary to get myself back into school. I am working on getting my kids involved in sports here. I have no desire to call H or answer his calls. I am going to move forward without him as right now I have no other choice. I will continue to pray for him but that is where I draw the line.

[Dom R]

Amy:
your husband is wavering, yes.
However, he has also reached out to you more recently, than he has in the past. I think that cutting him off now, would be counter-productive.
It may make you personally feel "better". but I think it would be counter-productive.


May I suggest that you accept his calls, (if he calls), but only keep listening to him for as long as he talks nicely to you.

[Amy]

I see what you are saying but the problem is even what he is telling me nicely is lies. He swore (on our childrens lives I might add) that he didn't talk to this woman until 3 weeks after he left me when in all actuality they have had this going for at least 5 months. I am just tired of listening to the nice things he has to say, falling for them only to find out what he has said is all lies and then I grieve all over again. I am just tired of giving him an opening to stab that knife deeper in my back.

[Dom R]

Here is something that I learned.
in years of lies from my wife, and her pursuing multiple EAs.


I snooped on her.
Things got quiet. I got nervous. I dug deeper. I found she had done things 2 weeks ago.
I got very upset. Things got very ugly. She did things more...

Things eventually got quiet. I got nervous.... and so on.

Thing is.. during some of those times, I think that if I just let the "2 weeks ago" stuff go... things may have stayed quiet, and eventually improved between us. (she even claimed something similar to that, at one point)
I couldnt let it go at the time... i was just too wound up and hurt. But if I could talk to myself then, I would try to tell myself to let it go.

I think you are in a similar situation. You are building up worry and resentment from the past.
Those feelings, are getting in the way of a potential better future.

it's a ways off.. your husband is still stuck in his "addiction" to the OW. he almost got free..he's suffering from a relapse right now.
The thing is... if that is the case, do you think being cold to him and shutting him out when he reaches out to you? Or do you think that being, if not warm, then at least open to him, would be best?

as for me, i think the latter is the better way to go in your situation.

[Amy]

I guess your right I am just so hurt right now. I feel like my entire life is a lie. I am so angry at the pain my children are feeling and his lack of being here. Then to find out all that I have well it all hurts.

[Dom R]

yeah.

it's tough to go through this type of betrayal once.

To go through it multiple times, is so much worse. makes you feel stupid.

this could be the last time though. They say that sometimes, a person has to hit bottom, before they want to give up on the bad stuff. There's not too much further "down" that he could go, eh?

[Amy]

Well I think it really is over but we will see. He called the kids tonight after they were asleep and woke us up. I went ahead and let him talk to the only one that would talk to him. Then he got on the phone and told me he has decided it is over with us, he wants a divorce and he wants to be with the OW and their baby on the way. I simply said ok if that is what you want then you can file for divorce because I will not. He said you know I can't afford it and I said then how can you afford an 8th child and he hung up on me.