Rollar Coasters are no longer fun

[Just_Me]

People are so desperate on here to reconcile that they would go back with anything. You can't polish a turd.

[hiscott]

Amy,

I'm with Dom R. Why would he blurt out his password if he had things that he wanted to hide? You desrve some good news, so why not go with notion that he may be ending the R with OW.

I also understand the tempation to snoop. I've done it and found things that I wish that I hadnt. I wouldnt go into that email account again.

[Amy]

I did a complete no no tonight. I am so mad at myself. He just blurts out his email password to me and tells me if I want to know the truth go look. Stupid me has to look. (He was so drugged I am sure he doesnt remember telling me or he thought nothing was in there. Here is the email I found)
....

Umm... Amy...

i got a completely different take from reading that email.

What I got, was him saying "goodbye" to the OW.
and thats why he let you know his password.

his "sorry it took so long for him to wake up" comment, could be in reference to "sorry i was stringing you[OW] along for so long, while I was fogged up. "

yes, he still has "feelings of love for her". but he has chosen to end things with her.

thats why she hasnt called, i'm guessing.

That wasn't it trust me. He went to the mountains with her right after that. He was telling her goodbye because she dumped him but then she took him right back. It was his way of looking pathetic and getting her back. Two days later we slept together again and then 4 days later they went to the mountains together. Wow I have no self respect. I really am pathetic when I really type that out.

[Amy]

Ok well he called me today and he is only allowed according to his mom and him 1 phone call a day. He called and talked about things and he sounded so much better. He asked me to send photos. I overnighted our family photo. I am a sucker I know. At the end of the conversation I said rather you and I make it please take time to get healthy for your children. He said to me I love all of you and I said the kids love you too and he said well I just want you to know I love all of you and I said ok call the kids when you can when they are home and I hung up. I wanted to scream IF YOU LOVE ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?

Anyway, at least he called me, he was upbeat and for the first time in weeks he was nice to me. I mean really really nice. We will see.

[Gingersnap]

Amy,

Celebrate the little things. I have difficulty doing that myself. But at least he IS saying things that are positive. Concentrate on those. No matter what you want him to be healthy and in control of his life again. Encourage the good. Try to ignore the bad and pray the Lord will convict his heart to turn things around.

And you, my dear, are not pathetic. You are a loving wife and mom.

[Dom R]

That wasn't it trust me. He went to the mountains with her right after that. He was telling her goodbye because she dumped him but then she took him right back. It was his way of looking pathetic and getting her back. Two days later we slept together again and then 4 days later they went to the mountains together. Wow I have no self respect. I really am pathetic when I really type that out.

you are not the pathetic one. he is.
you are doing an incredibly tough thing.

I've read that when there is an OW involved, it isnt uncommon for the H to yo-yo back and forth trying to give her up.
Just like multiple failed attempts to give up smoking.
Even HE knows this. He referenced "withdrawal" in his email to her. Sounds like he's actually read some marriage recovery books.

Anyway, at least he called me, he was upbeat and for the first time in weeks he was nice to me. I mean really really nice. We will see.

Attagirl. You're understandably tired. So, how about letting him do the work? If he's nice to you, then keep talking with him, and at some level (even if it's only at the "politeness" level) show some kind of positive back in return.
Otherwise, just keep it about the kids.

aka, "Keep doing what you are doing"
I think you're doing good things. Even if, ironically, that actually mostly means, "do nothing"

[Amy]

Thank you guys I needed that. Just when I am about to give up you help boost me up.

Today I was thinking about all of this and I kept thinking "What exactly am I fighting for?" I feel like I have been in a mental battle for a long time now between my own personal needs and the family I want for my children and I. I am just hoping at the end of this that it can all be a good thing all the way around. I just hope that in the end I can have both. I want my cake and eat it too =)

Thanks for the support... love ya all.

[Amy]

I am going on a small trip tomorrow and wont be back until Sunday so I probably wont have PC access which is probably a good thing because I keep getting myself into more trouble. (don't even ask what I did this time.) I need to read DR and DB again because my backsliding is ugly today.

I am going about 5.5 hours away to spend some time with my step children. I am so blessed that my current H xwife knows how much I love the kids and she and I have an awesome relationship. She is as shocked at what he is doing as I am.

Anyway, I am going to get to be with them and that will be good for my kids and myself to see the children.

I need to do something to stay outta trouble because I can't seem to do it by myself. Well I am off to read my latest book. The courage to be a single mother. I know it isn't really DB positive but it actually is helping me with how to handle what I am doing right now. Single mother doesnt necessarily mean divorced mother right? I mean it just means right now I am doing it on my own. I am and have been for 9 weeks. He has not seen the kids or I at all for 3 weeks now.

[Amy]

I was headed to see the step children on Friday (about a 5 hour drive) and H calls and says in a short nasty tone "I hope you have fun with MY children this weekend." I said me too I am looking forward to it. He said "Yeah well I am glad you get to spend time with MY children." I simply said me too. He then hung up.

It really hurt me at first but then I realized he was just bitter and hurt that I was going and he is locked up in a psychiatric hospital. I think he is slowly realizing he brought all of this on himself.

I spent two days with his x-wife, my two step children and her other 3 children and we had an amazing time. The xwife and I talked so much and I think we have grown so much closer. We were able to read between the "LIES" and really get to know each other. He was probably bitter because he knew that together she and I would be able to really figure out how many games he had played. I found out so much that I almost wish I hadn't. I am glad though because so much more is put into perspective and I it is helping me put closure on things.

Yesterday we went to the park and went fishing and it was awesome but yet an eye opener for me. I really had reality smack me up side the face. I realized that even if I want my husband back I can not take him back unless some MAJOR changes are made all the way around.

Yesterday was the first time my 9 yr old son had cast a fishing pole and the first time a man had tossed a football with my 11 yr old son. I stood and watched my own husbands xwifes husband (that is a mouthful)do things with my boys that their own dad has never done once. He was always on his computer or playing video games. I realized that I had been spending so much time for 11 years trying to make him happy and keep him with me that I myself neglected to do this with my kids. I sat and just cried. I ached. I vowed to change.

I do not want the man I used to be married to. I want my husband but only if he can be a faithful husband and a good father. I know I can be a good mother with or without him and I know my kids can have a healthier life with one very involved parent than having two that are so self absorbed that they can't parent at all.

I am not sure where this will take my relationship with my husband or what I even want anymore but for the first time I am excited about who I can be without him. I am disgusted with him for his lack of being there for the kids and yet wanting to have more and more. We will just see where we go from here.

I also got my information about returning to college and am working today to fill out all the financial aid paperwork. I plan to start working toward my criminal justice degree as soon as I have the financial aid worked out.

Thanks for listening.

[Amy]

His mom visited him today and said that he is still torn between me and OW. He has been calling her with his one phone call a day his mom said. He didnt call the kids yesterday or today. I am so hurt right now.

I have decided to cut off contact with MIL because it causes me to hurt and then I say not nice things about her son and it isn't fair to her.

I honestly am not sure I want this marriage anymore. In fact I am getting more sure everyday that I don't. Need to go to sleep because right now all I want to do is scream and cry.