heya Amy, thinking of you. Im really glad that your husband may be getting the "serious help", that he seems to need.
some quick thoughts:
- i think you handled yourself really well on that phone call where you told him that "you all wanted him to get better", and left it at that. That's showing some great PMA and unconditional love for your H
- I think you "need to detach".. from mother-in-law
- I dont think it's a good idea to "mess with his mind" about you dating other men. The poor man's mind is messed up enough as it is, ya know?
May God comfort you and support you and your family in this rough time. I dont know if you are Christian or not, but for some reason, it seemed to me like you really need a prayer for you right now.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Thank you so much and yes prayer is what gets me by. That and I listen to the song "Praise you in the storm". My kids even belt it out when I am playing it.
I am actually not going to take any calls from MIL because she simply will not stop pumping me for information and then twist it all up. She even informed me if I were a better housekeeper this wouldn't have happend because OW is a better housekeeper. Hello I have 5 kids full time and a slob for a husband, I work full time, PTA VP, Soccer asst. coach, and H personal secretary. I had 2 dogs, 2 cats, birds, fish, and a bearded dragon! I did the best I could. OW is on permanent disability for her bipolar and is never out of her house so lets do the math. I did the best I could.
Wow sorry needed to vent... anyway yes I plan to detach from MIL.
I am really going to try to take some time to work on me. I need to figure out if I can even get past all of this and if I even want my marriage to work at this point. I love my H and always will but I have to heal a lot to ever trust him again.
One day at a time I suppose. He did call me tonight and told me he loved me for what that is worth.. I just said thank you and hung up... I take it all with a grain of salt. I have no idea tomorrow he could hate me...
M 32 H 39 SS 15, SD 12, S11, S9, D7, D6, D4 E/A 02/06 WAS 03/06 RH 05/06 On 07/07 told me he wants to leave again. On 08/11/07 Walked out again.
People say "When God closes a door he opens a window." They forget to tell you "It is hell in the hallway!"
I did a complete no no tonight. I am so mad at myself. He just blurts out his email password to me and tells me if I want to know the truth go look. Stupid me has to look. (He was so drugged I am sure he doesnt remember telling me or he thought nothing was in there. Here is the email I found)
OW,
I'm sorry I did what I did. I only hope someday I can repair your heart. I'm sorry it took what it did for me to come to 100% of what I already knew I should be, and that was not to be in a relationship with ME, and to cheerish the one I had with you. I know now, and its to late. I would take anything, do anything, just to go back 24 hours and continue to show you my love for you and to realize what I now know. I hope you and the boys can someday forgive me, I can't believe I have done to them what I'm doing to my own. I do care. And now they too will go thru disappointment because of me. I'm sorry I ever got you messed up with me again. I do love you, but I'm a mess and I have failed everyone. I haven't taken my medicine yet, I didn't want to last night, because I wanted to be somewhat awake for you, and I was. I was awake enough to watch over you, that made me happy. Now I can't take it because I need to be there for my kids. Part of me doesn't want to anymore, no I'm not telling you anything. I guess I got that just don't care additude, kinda looking forward for the withdraw to get worse, self torture. Talk to you later, I'm sorry again for everything. I do Love you, I'm sorry it took this to wake me up.
H
OK THIS MAKES ME SO MAD.......... I SHOULDNT HAVE LOOKED BECAUSE NOW I AM BEYOND DARK I NEVER WANT TO TALK TO HIM AGAIN.
In what he shouldnt have done he is referring to sleeping with me on the 18th. The part that really gets me is his worrying about HER BOYS. What about our 5 children that are falling apart. This guy is a snake and honestly I really don't know that at this point he deserves me. Guess this is what I get for snooping. I swear if I had the 5k the attorney wants I would slap his aXX with divorce papers tomorrow.
M 32 H 39 SS 15, SD 12, S11, S9, D7, D6, D4 E/A 02/06 WAS 03/06 RH 05/06 On 07/07 told me he wants to leave again. On 08/11/07 Walked out again.
People say "When God closes a door he opens a window." They forget to tell you "It is hell in the hallway!"
He called my kids this morning to tell them he is being transferred to a place where he probably can not call us for a few weeks. He said he will try if he can but I honestly hope he can't. I really need the time as much as he does. I got a book on forgiveness and I am going to try to read it. I want to be able to forgive him but I am not sure anymore if I can. I am not sure I am that strong. I want my kids to have a family, I want and love my husband, but he lies so much he doesnt know when he tells the truth.
This morning he talked to me for a second and I simply said. H, all I want from you is for you to get better and be the dad you can be. I want you healthy and happy and whomever that is with I will have to accept. I hope while you are in there you really deal with who you are and what you want and your relationship with God. Know you are loved by your children and hold onto that if the therapy hurts. I gave him no chance to say anything. I said take care and hung up. We will see where it goes now. I honestly need to take a long look at what I want because I am not sure anymore myself.
I want to do what is right for my children, myself, and God but here is my question.
If I do take my husband back after the affairs, verbal abuse, and abandonment what am I teaching my kids? Here are the two things they could take from it but which is more likely. Am I thinking to deep.
1) My boys could learn it is ok to have affairs and expect their wife to take them back.
2) My girls could think it is ok for their husbands to have affairs, verbally abuse them, and feel they have to just accept it and keep taking them back.
3) Maybe they will all learn you can work through problems and we can actually be a healthy family.
I honestly don't know what to think so any words of wisdom would help. I am starting to think I need to check into the hosp. right along with him.
M 32 H 39 SS 15, SD 12, S11, S9, D7, D6, D4 E/A 02/06 WAS 03/06 RH 05/06 On 07/07 told me he wants to leave again. On 08/11/07 Walked out again.
People say "When God closes a door he opens a window." They forget to tell you "It is hell in the hallway!"
Ranting atm but I just talked to the MIL to make sure my H was all settled in and all was ok. She said yes. She said OW hadn't even called to check on him one time.
IT MAKES ME SO MAD! How can he love someone that doesn't even care enough to check on him. She can have no contact with him while he is in there and neither can I so it is only his mom and dad. Even his mom said for someone that loves him so much she sure hasn't even called once.
Ok that doesnt matter I know but it infuriates me how he can be so loyal to her.
M 32 H 39 SS 15, SD 12, S11, S9, D7, D6, D4 E/A 02/06 WAS 03/06 RH 05/06 On 07/07 told me he wants to leave again. On 08/11/07 Walked out again.
People say "When God closes a door he opens a window." They forget to tell you "It is hell in the hallway!"
I am feeling you there on those three points you made.....
I ask myself those same tings..
I reinterated to my girls this morning how what daddy and Ow are doing is not right in the eyes of the Lord...how being M was not meant to M to one person and still have a GF...
D7 told me she asked OW if she was gonna M her daddy and she said NO... I told her, Ofcoarse!! OW will not tell you otherwise..
I told her how OW IS trying to take away your daddy and she knows it isnt right....so that does not make her a good woman..no matter how "good of a mommy" she may act to you girls...
I did a complete no no tonight. I am so mad at myself. He just blurts out his email password to me and tells me if I want to know the truth go look. Stupid me has to look. (He was so drugged I am sure he doesnt remember telling me or he thought nothing was in there. Here is the email I found) ....
Umm... Amy...
i got a completely different take from reading that email.
What I got, was him saying "goodbye" to the OW. and thats why he let you know his password.
his "sorry it took so long for him to wake up" comment, could be in reference to "sorry i was stringing you[OW] along for so long, while I was fogged up. "
yes, he still has "feelings of love for her". but he has chosen to end things with her.
thats why she hasnt called, i'm guessing.
Last edited by Dom R; 10/18/0705:37 PM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Dom, I think you are wrong. She is obviously mad at him for being involved with Amy and kicking him to the curb. He's squealing like a pig for forgiveness and trying to get taken back. He wasn't dumping the OW.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Dom, I think you are wrong. She is obviously mad at him for being involved with Amy
well, that part is "obvious", i'll agree.
Quote:
and kicking him to the curb. He's squealing like a pig for forgiveness and trying to get taken back. He wasn't dumping the OW.
Where do you get that the OW is the one doing the dumping? Also, what bits do you interpret, as him asking to get back in the OW's life? [well, ok, there's the one line about "going back and wishing he could continue to show her that he loved her". But even there, there might be potential ambiguity.. depending on WHY he can no longer do that. ]
yes, he wanted to "be forgiven" for the pain he caused. That doesnt always mean "and take me back". after all, many leaving spouses, ask the same thing from the LBS, yet have no intention at the time, of reconciling with the LBS.
His message is very confusing... however, Note that he said that he "has to be there", for his kids, not hers.
But even if I'm wrong about who dumped who, it seems to be plain that
1. He is resigned to it being over between them. He's stating that her kids will suffer, and he's sorry for that
2. He seems to acknowlege his responsability towards his own children.
and... he gave Amy his password
that to me, says that he wants to open up to her, at least for now... and people dont usually do that to people they are looking to dump.
This looks like his "bottom", and the potential start of a very long, and painful, but potentially real reconciliation path... if Amy can find it within herself to hold on for a while longer. Many (if not the majority of!) affairs, end, when the cheating partner dumps the married one... and then the married one goes crawling back, it seems to me. So, even if that is the case... it could still be a positive thing for Amy's marriage.
Last edited by Dom R; 10/18/0708:14 PM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Hang in there, Amy. His mind is presumably very fuzzy right now, and what may be well-intentioned from him, may seem negative to you.
Maybe you could hold off on making any judgements about him, until he is out of his treatment, and his mind is clear enough to tell you what is going on with him now.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
