Rollar Coasters are no longer fun

[Amy]

I give up. I suck at this whole DB thing. I honestly think maybe my marriage is one that just needs to end.

I know I sound like a big quitter but I am just so pathetic and I don't know how to stop being so. Last night he was so mean it was unreal (he was with her) right at bedtime so I cry all night long. Then today he calls and is nasty (he is with her.) Then today he told me he got in a fight with her last night and almost drove here to me. (Just what I want.... my husband when he is fighting with his Pregnant GF back with me..)

Now I am actually afraid he might come back. I am not sure now I want that.. I DO NOT want him back like he is or has been. I am so scared to say NO I don't want this because he will just give up and stay with her. I have no idea what to do. Maybe I should just throw in the towell. After all the roller coaster isn't going to stop until I bail right??

I am in a real mood tonight I know.....

[mkultra]

You don't suck. He sucks. maybe he needs to start DBing and you take a LaLa Land vacation? What if the tables were turned? Huh? How would he handle knowing you were out last night with OP? Maybe then he would start acting more protective of you and not some OW? I am sorry you are on this roller coaster. You have every right to be confused about what to do but there are some patterns in his behavior. Just try to prepare yourself for every way this sitch could turn.

I know how you feel about the lies. It has become a complulsion for my H so it does help that I cut off communication from my H. it protects me from the ordeal of his R and his lies.

[Amy]

UGH he just called again. I said what do you want? I was thinking about you. I said ok. I said H, I cant do this anymore this up and down and up and down. I have no clue how you feel ever. He said I feel about you like I always have... So stupid me says "Wow great to know you never loved me". He gets mad and says I have to go. I said figures. He said you just don't get it. I said get what. He said just hang in there and give me time... I love you... and now I need to go.

And I said... yep you guessed it can't shut my mouth ... I said..

Yeah go to her... don't tell me you love me and then go jump in bed with her. JUST STOP CALLING ME!

Now is that what I want?? No... but I blurted it out anyway. I am so confused and so tired and so dang frustrated with him it is unreal. I think tomorrow when I take the kids to the town festival and parade I will leave my phone at home. I am so predictable. I carry my phone 24 X 7 so it would do him good to not be able to get a hold of me.

[Dom R]

UGH he just called again. I said what do you want? I was thinking about you. I said ok. I said H, I cant do this anymore this up and down and up and down. I have no clue how you feel ever. He said I feel about you like I always have... So stupid me says "Wow great to know you never loved me". He gets mad and says I have to go. I said figures. He said you just don't get it. I said get what. He said just hang in there and give me time... I love you... and now I need to go.

Owch.

I'm sorry for how you feel. i know it's horrible.

Right now, you are, understandibly, at the end f your rope with him.

May i suggst, first and foremost, that you stick to your plan of just not talking to him for a few days. recharge yourself. feel better about yourself.


then, AFTER that... how about sticking to this plan:

let him be him, and act appropriately to how he treats yu.
Try to avoid anticipating bad behaviour, like you did above. that's the behaviour pattern that the "act as if.." stuff in the DB books was invented to avoid.

If he calls yu, and treats you nicely... then let him talk. feel free to be nice back :)If he talks to you, and spews at you... then say "I need to go now", and hang up r something.

Amy, frm what you quoted as him saying... it sounds like he's kinda at the far side of the swing, and may be ready to swing back to you more.

It happens to a lot of people, that by the time the filandering spouse is ready for this, the LBS has lost their patience, and so a recovery instead turns into an escalation.

hang in there.
For what it's worth... I think that you might be able to actually believe him, when he says that he loves you, and to give him time.

How he reacted, in the fact of you snapping back, shows that to me, i think.

I think yu should believe what he said this time.
Give him time.
In practical terms, that means, "look after yourself, and protect yourself from his ugly side, and protect what positive feelings you have left for him".

focus more on you.
when he wants to be nice to you, then... IF you feel up to it... let him. (otherwise, politely bow out)

if he's nasty... then dont talk to him, when and if he is nasty.

Hang in there.

[Amy]

He is headed back to the psychiatric hospital again. I was told this time he will be transferred to a longer term unit. He is really messed up. I think that in most cases DB might work if you are working with someone mentally all together but he is really messed up and I am not sure how to handle this. I am just going to sit tight and wait for his calls.

His mother is just lovely and points out that the reason he is being hospitalized again is because he truly loves 2 women. They think I should just accept this and let him have us both. They actually have a friend that claims he has two wives and supports two women. Well that might work in his world but it isn't in mine.

I am just so worn out from the insanity of it all. I need a break myself. Maybe he wont call from the hospital and as hard as that will be on me it will help me detach.

[ediemarie]

(((Amy))) just stopping by to say Hi. Hang in there, sweetie. Keep staying strong for the sake of your kids. He needs to fix himself. He isn't capable of being your H right now, or a dad to the kids as he isn't capable of caring for himself.

It appears that your H's indecision about two women is causing an issue, not him LOVING two women. My H went through the same thing with his OW and me. He "loves/d" us both but knows he can't have both. He was/is scared to be with me, but feels his R with OW will be tainted if he were to leave me for her. Your H would feel better if he just decided which way to go and then went that way. But, you can't control that. You can only control what you do.

Hang in there! Stay strong!

Hugs,
Em

[Amy]

Thanks Edie, I needed the hug today. My 11 yr old woke me up at 11 PM last night sobbing. For the first time it hit him. He said mom I miss dad I said I know baby he said I just saw a dad and son on tv and it made me realize I will never have that. He is 18 hours away. It broke my heart and made me question all I have done. I know though that my kids are safer here and I know I did what I had to do as their mom.

I talked to H this morning and he said they are moving him to a long term facility today. He is not sure where. He will call when/if he can. He really hs no will to live and it saddens me and breaks my heart. I try not to let him know how broken I am but I got off the phone and can't stop crying. The pain is unbearable. I just want to fix him and I know I can't.

I told him that I cared about him and that we all wanted him to get well. I then hung up before I fell apart.

I feel guilty for thinking this but I feel so much like part of this is a show to see which woman will break and toss him out first so he doesnt have to make the decision. I feel like he is so incapable of making a decision that he is trying to push it off on us. I don't know... Just feel that way.

[ediemarie]

I feel guilty for thinking this but I feel so much like part of this is a show to see which woman will break and toss him out first so he doesnt have to make the decision. I feel like he is so incapable of making a decision that he is trying to push it off on us. I don't know... Just feel that way.

Yup, you got it. You are right on target. If she gave him up he would be by you in no time...just to repeat this behavior, again. If you gave him up, he'd be by her and repeating this behavior with her. You don't have to fight for him, Amy. He is your husband. She will always be the other woman. Even if he left you for her, their relationship began out of an adulterous affair. There is no purity in that. All this to say that this is his deal. This is his decision. This is his life.

I am glad he is getting help. Don't question yourself about moving your children out of that situation. You did what you were supposed to do - protect your kids. If your kids don't underrstand that now, they will eventually. They will also one day thank you for it. It's tough to see your kids hurting so badly, but this is your H doing this to them. It's not you.

We, as humans, are pretty resilient. We all have the ability to heal. Focus on healing as your H focuses on healing. What are you going to do for yourself now, Amy? What are you going to do to make yourself more at home where you are? You have to focus on making yourself happier. I know it is difficult. I know it hurts. Amy you can do this! Do something to put a smile on your face today.

Hugs

[Amy]

Thanks Edie, I went to see my grandparents today. I hadn't seen them in months. I enjoyed just being there with the kids. We played outside and had a nice time. It was hard becaue it was the first time I had been there without my H in 12 years but I made it.

I talked to H for a minute they are moving him tomorrow and he said he would call with details. I told him if he had new information to leave it on my voicemail I would be out tonight. He says Have fun on your date....

Well, trust me I have no date but I was so mad I wasn't going to say that to him so I said I hope to. It is about time I go out and have some fun and he hung up on me.

Just taking it one day at a time...

[Amy]

He called me this moring and asked me how my date went. I said perfectly. He said good I hope you had fun kissing and hugging on him. I just laughed. He got mad and hung up.

He called back like 15 minutes later and said did you have something you were trying to say. I said no but it was really rude of him to always hang up and if he was going to continue to do so to just stop calling. He then just went on about how I didn't understand how torn he was and etc etc etc. Finally I said I can't do this I have to go get our kids off to school. I said bye and I hung up.

If he only knew I went out with girlfriends.....