My H had an 18 month A with one of his staff. I found out 2 months before our 20th Wedding Anniversary. My H told me - I had trusted him completely. Our M had been in trouble but I didn't think it was that bad!!!
Anyone who wants can see my history so I won't go into much detail but after a week of absolute hell - didn't know about DBing techniques then- H and I reconciled completely and OW gone.
H has been totally committed and open and transparent since that time.I know everything that went on and was involved in the ending of the A. All communication with OW of any type was shared.
H works harder at our M than I do!!! I have troubles with self- esteem and depression. Now H knows that he is great.
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One last thought - EVERY DAY - EVERY SINGLE DAY since the phone call with her 7/17 she is in my thoughts. I have googled her until kingdom comes and I know every detail of her life. I give this woman WAY too much time in my life. It's only (not even!) been 3 months and I think I've done remarkably well but I have to stop. I have to let it really be done. This is harder than the forgiveness. I wish just forgetting was as easy.
This is excatly why I ended up on the boards - it gets so much better. I can go days/ weeks without thinking about her- I do still know where she lives and works tho'. She no longer has power over me.
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Do I think he should "pay" more for what he's done? Honestly, when a person really repents (not in a spiritual way even) and their eyes are finally clear and open to the hurt they've caused, I think the shame and embarassment is more than what we can understand.
So well said. I couldn't agree more.
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He's become the man again that I fell in love with - every part of him is mine for the taking.
And yes again. The giving too and the taking. We talk the same language again.Phew!!!!!
Finally, I should just say we are 15 months into recovery / reconciliation. My H never atcually moved out although it got close.
We have 4 children ranging from 16yrs to 9 yrs - 3F. 1M
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Hmmm, well, I can honestly say that I busted my D. D bomb dropped January 2007, almost a year ago. Married almost 8 yrs then; 3 boys, ages 7, 3 and 19 months (their ages now). H had had previous A's, 2 EA's (possibly more) and one 1 night stand. I found out about these when he supposedly felt guilty enough and wrote me a letter while I was on maternity leave w/ our second son.
I never did deal in any way w/ those A's. I had always thought "you cheat, you're gone," but you truly never know how you will react until you are actually in a sitch for real. During the D bomb sitch, he told me that he actually had hoped I would kick him out when he told me about those A's, but I don't know how true that is/was. He also informed me that he had gone to see a D lawyer, but then we found out I was pregnant w/ 3rd son and didn't go through w/ it.
Long story short, I had completely neglected my M/R w/ my H due to resentfullness on my part and unhappiness on my part in pretty much my "life," not just my M. H did not ever truly and completely communicate how unhappy he was so I knew things weren't great, but never knew that D was even an option. The first 2 supposed EA's happened when our first son was only 18 months and H was feeling neglected as happens a lot when first children are born.
Anyway, D bomb dropped, H didn't actually move out b/c he was due to be deployed that following May for a year and wanted to stay in the house to be w/ the boys until he left. Found out later that he was having an EA which had been going on for who knows how long.
I was just quite stubborn, as we redheads can be, and never did give up. Told him BULLSH*T on the "I only love you as a person and the mother of my children."
Found out later, via receiving a bill in the mail, that he did go see a D lawyer. Not long after that, he decided to stay. That was in April '07. Between the bomb and then, he had gone back & forth numerous times as to wanting to work things out and then not wanting anything but a divorce.
I asked him recently what made him finally change his mind and he simply said "because I love you."
We are wonderful now. I know deep in my heart how much my husband truly loves me and I cannot wait for him to come home from this deployment so we can really start anew. I can't wait for the years to come -- I have learned so much through all of this and I'm actually glad it happened or we would be still stuck in the same rut of an unhappy marriage. I needed the wake up call and am so much happier and fulfilled now that my R w/ my husband is where it needs to be. Sometimes I wish I could actually FEEL the way I felt during that whole time period. I have vowed to never forget the lessons I've learned through all of this, but the pain does diminish and the memory of how hard that time was fades as well.
As far as forgiving H for the A's and everything he said and did during the whole D bomb sitch, that too fades w/ time. At first, after he left for his deployment, there were times I would "dwell" on the whole thing, I still didn't feel as if I could have an R talks or ask any questions w/o making him angry or maybe making him change his mind again. Slowly, I began to feel stronger and more comfortable and also would process what I really "needed" to know as opposed to "wanted" to know about certain things.
As time went on, I did ask things I needed to know and was lovingly answered by H. I know he knows how painful that whole sitch was and how much he hurt me, but I have no need to bring it up or "rub it in." We're slowly rebuilding, even if it is long distance and, like I said, I just cannot wait for him to be home so we can move forward together.
I am very hopeful that we will renew our vows when he gets home. I brought it up and he seemed amicable to this, but we haven't talked in detail about it yet.
Folks, it can happen. Patience is so key.
Last edited by RedHeadWife; 10/14/0708:40 AM.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Great thread Cinders. Hope to be back amongst the 'chosen few' someday myself but until then I will keep reading and learning so that if my own personal miracle happens I will have the necessary tools to re-build properly this time.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
Brief synposis: Sept 2005 - ILYBINILWY, moved into friends flat. Occasional staying the night, but in the spare room Nov2005 - H moved back, I thought bad times were over and wanted PAYBACK!!! My old habits of shouting and demanding were still there. March 2006 - ILYBINLWY, "I cannot stay married to you", "my feelings have gone, there is nothing I can do about that", "I care about your feelings" (later admitted this was a lie), "I cannot help the way I feel".
It was this time I found the DR book and it was a LIFE SAVER! (Literally at one point). Last summer - 2006 - was one of my happiest ever. H still didn't love me but **I** loved me.
Sept 2006 - H admitted "most" of our problems were over, btu he didn't feel sexual towards me, but did want to work on the marriage.
Oct 2006 - I went into depression, needed IC.
Spring 2007 - I nearly became a WAW. I had worked darned hard, our R was stronger but not quite there, I had stepped up to the mark but H hadn't. I decided if he couldn't be the man I wanted then well....
Summer 2007 - H stepped up to the mark. Life is now sweet and happy. But the BEST thing of all of this is that I have finally conquered my low self esteem. That's my golden ticket, the restored and improved M is a bonus.
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
I would have so much liked to have been able to find a thread like this when I first came here...I remember wondering if it was even realistically possible that a marriage could be saved given the circumstances that I found myself in...
Quick recap:
I was 42 and H was 46....looking back I now realize that he had been in MLC for about 3 years (he suddenly lost his job (after 9-11)....his "new" career was not going well and the money we had in savings was quickly dwindling...we sold one home in another state that was our investment...but soon we were in need of selling our primary home because we couldn't keep up....we tried renting it out and that was a disaster (whole nother story), we moved in with family and things were strained...I knew that...but H assured me that WE were okay...soon I lost my job due to a contract not being renewed...this really put a strain on us...but H still assured me WE were okay...I noticed he stayed away more...he drank more...he seemed to isolate himself more...I tried to give him space but it was hard...I need support too...
Then following my neices wedding he kissed me, said he loved me and would see me for dinner...he didn't come home!!!
Later he called for a ride (I suspected he was drinking so I went and got his car so he wouldn't try and drive, I was right)...when I got him in the car for the ride home he said he was leaving me...I was shocked, angry, hurt...you name it...how dare he!
Well, he did leave after I pounded on him (physically)...things got progressively worse...of course I did all the wrong things but the worse was when I accidently found out about OW...she lived in another state so I thought it was just EA...how wrong I was...when I found out he had been to visit her I was furious...I confronted him to admit it...which he did...then I said a few choice things about her...spit in his face...and kicked his brand new BMW convertable that he just got (with no job, no income!)....don't kick a car in sandals!
Over the next two years things seemed hopeless...I messed up a lot...found this place but still messed up here and there...H cut off contact with his kids and me...it was pretty bad...he would go 6 months with out a word...we didn't know if he was dead or alive most of the time...it was hell on all of us
I filed for divorce not once...but twice...the first time I got H to admit he didn't really want a D and we went to court together to ask the judge to dismiss it 3 days before it was final! H disappeared for 6 months...nothing...no working on Us...no nothing...so I filed again!...I was done...he siad he was done....could never ever live with me again...
By this time me and the kids got jobs, moved to our own apartment, and started over with our lives...then out of no where H decides to move back to town to be closer to the kids...soon we were talking...going out...and it became appearant that maybe would could make this work...
BUT it wasn't over yet...the roller coaster ride was still going full force...H came back $120,000 in debt, two car repo's, ill health, and emotionally a basket case...drinking way too much...
I took the tough love approach and called 9-11 when he got stinking drunk...they did an intervention at the hospital...we got him into a shrink, on AD meds (lots of trial and error there), and into alcohol recovery....one set back and back to the hospital...more counseling for him....and finally things started to settle in...
He was such a mess he couldn't work...but now he is working (for me!), he is helping more around the house then he did our previous 26 years of marriage...we talked about a lot of things after he had been home for a long while...I still have some questions but for now I am okay...
H now knows that I don't need him...he knows I CHOSE to stay in the marriage...he knows that I loved him even when he didn't love me or himself...he admits this openly....he admits he needed help long ago but fought it...he admits that while he had real feelings for OW (wanted to marry her) that it was all a big huge mistake...
So yes, even when things look about as bad as they could there is still a chance...a chance at a NEW marriage...things are NOT like they were before...nor do I want them to be...while I was happy it was obvious that H was not...maybe it was all MLC...maybe it was a combination of things...but what we have now provides for us both to be happy...and that is what I wanted all along...
I am a new person...strong, sensitive...things I was before but in different ways now...I would have been okay if H didn't come back...but I can say and do often that I am glad he is home...
It took time for D #2 to forgive him and talk to him again...it was actually nearly a year after he moved home before she would speak to him...he had to prove himself to her...he had to earn her trust back...it was pretty bad but I think it was good for him to go through...
So for anyone reading this...I hope this gives you HOPE...
I do count myself as in a "restored marriage"...I do count myself as a survivor...either way, I would be a survivor!
Thanks for this thread. Even us oldsters need some hope sometimes.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
I will start by saying that I would rather describe our marriage as "RestorING"....because I believe that a big part of our problem was not understanding that a healthy marriage is constantly being reinvented by the 2 loving partners.
So here goes...
November 2003 - W's mother dies rather suddenly at age 63 of lung cancer. They were extremely close
Fall 2005 - oldest child goes off to college. Empty nest phase of our life begins.
Spring 2006 - During our annual Florida vacation (my W and I started this tradition several years ago), my W says she just realized that she could never live in FL (previously discussed as our eventual retirement destination) because "everybody comes here to die...there is so much death and dying". Upon return home, she wants to sell our home because it is "too big...I spend all my time cleaning"
Summer 2006 - Says she wants to stop our weekly dinner dates because she is "fasting"...then extends this to include intimacy. In August, says she has "unforgiveness" towards me and doesn't know if she can be "healed inside the marriage".
September 2006 - Moves out of MBR, files for Legal Separation, and asks for "Time and Space". She tells me she never loved me...she faked it for a long time. Thus begins a nearly one year journey of separation. I started walking and listening to Praise/Worship music as a part of my GAL.
October 2006 - My W calls to tell me how much she appreciates the "Time and Space" I gave her...spends nearly 4 hours telling me how surprised she was that I "ran to God" when she filed for Separation....but, that she was filing for Divorce (which she did the next day)
November 2006 - My W asks if I will leave the house for Thanksgiving so she can entertain some of her new friends.
December 2006 - Christmas alone while she takes kids on the road.
January 2007 - W reiterates desire to complete Divorce despite the fact that she had not done anything to move it forward. Late January, she tells me that "when we Divorce we might be reconciled at some point in the future but not before 3-5 years."
February 2007 - W files "Motion for Reconciliation" stating that there is too much going on and our kids need her. She tells me about this one morning...then calls me that afternoon to ask if I would send her alone to our Florida resort because she needs some time to think. I send her to warm sunny Florida while I stay home with the kids and shovel snow!
March/April 2007 - My W starts doing MANY things that point to her returning to the marriage....coordinates several awesome family dinners (the first in over 1 year)...to include S17's Birthday....MY Birthday....S19's belated 18th birthday.
early May 2007 - My W goes to KC to attend my parent's 50th wedding anniversary with me....although we stayed in separate rooms. While there my W experienced a severe bladder infection and we ended up spending most of the night in the ER of a strange hospital. It was AWESOME!...not her illness...but, getting to be her H again!
Memorial Day weekend - We had been spending more and more time together...and this weekend the floodgates opened. For those that know the Steinkamp's testimony...you know that Charlyne describes how our marriages will often experience a SUDDEN turn....and that is exactly what happened. Despite lots of positives and my belief that my marriage would be restored, I didn't see this coming when it came. In fact, here is what I posted on the Friday before the restoration began:
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Back to cold, dark, distant W....
I wish I could say it didn't matter to me!
I had dinner with 9 men standing in the NY/NJ/CT area last night...and I have some of the MOST positive developments in my sitch...and it STILL sucks! I have a little flu bug and I have been working in the yard all day...I think I am just weary of living ALONE!
Dear Lord...please fill me up so your love will flow out of me TO my W! I know she has NOTHING to give!
I can't believe how despondent I was even in the very midst of an awesome reconciliation!
There was a moment in mid-May where I felt like I SUDDENLY saw very clearly what had happened to us (and it was a very different take on it all):
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I felt like Bruce Willis in Sixth Sense when the big plot twist is revealed (sorry for any of you that haven't seen that movie). My W was so clear headed...so soft...so loving...so tender...that I thought, "Has this WHOLE thing been about me and my walk....my failings....my growth?" Then I realized that...as I have known almost from the beginning...it is very much about BOTH OF US...and the minute I think I have arrived...I HAVEN"T!
Here is what I posted back in August:
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I believe I am honestly becoming the husband and father that I should have been long ago. Those thoughts don't come from a place of guilt....simply a place of reflecting during the separation on fulfilling God's vision of FaithfulH. I wasn't a "bad" guy...I was actually a pretty "good" guy...but, I was a better man to those who didn't know me well. In other words, I believe I abused my God-given family by being less loving...less caring...less sensitive...more selfish...more arrogant...more controlling...than any person should have been.
So, where are we know? Well, since the reconciliation started almost 3 months ago....every day brings new blessings. I am not overstating how awesome things are when I say that it has been like a 3 month honeymoon! My W and I have spent many, many hours alone....our kids are very independent at 17,19, and 20. We have toured CT and NY vineyards...taken trips to NYC, Rhode Island, and New Hampshire....walked on the beach...hiked in the mountains....sat by the firepit for hours on end. We have talked about the future...and we have even talked about the past...including the separation. The discussions about the separation are the hardest....because I realize how much hurt their is in BOTH of us. This was a surprise to me (yeah, I guess I'm pretty naive too)...since my W initiated the separation and divorce.
I stopped by to share all this because I hope that there is even just one person who is in the pit of despair....ready to give up on their marriage and spouse....who finds encouragement here to stand! Now that I see what God can do when we wait on Him, I believe even more now that too many people give up too early....never knowing if that sudden, unexpected healing was just around the corner. Although I stop in here very infrequently, I continue to pray daily for the healing of your marriages. Praise God from Whom ALL blessings flow!
I want to close by encourage ANYBODY who has taken the time to read this....YOUR MARRIAGE CAN BE RESTORED...NO MATTER how dire the circumstances!!!
Praising God Daily, Remaining "FaithfulH" Me: 62 W: 62 D:33 S:30 & 31 Married: 40 Years BD: Sep 2006 Piecing: May 2007 2nd BD: May 2014 Working On It: Today
Gosh I am in tears again. Partly b/c I am so happy for you all, partly b/c I so long to be in your shoes but mainly b/c you are such compassionate people.
God bless you all
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
