Sometimes I wonder if deep down the problems we faced were not more fear of the past than true problems with us. We all could have done better in our relationships. Could have given a little more. Been more understanding.
But sometimes it feels like what happened, happened because we were able to take it to the next level. We had reached a point were we could have more time. Do more things together. And as you had said, be normal. It feels like you saw that coming with every project I finished. Every week getting closer and closer. And I think XH hurt you more than you ever let on. And I think you carry those fears. You can see it in the post above (down below here).
"I'm often surprised at how sure I am that men are going to cheat...in some way, if not by having an affair, something else."
I put the importance of the house ahead of the present. I know that. I didn't see it at the time but I certainly saw it after. You say it wasn't the house. But I know what it did to me. I know how it made me feel. The only time I felt good about it is when I finished a project. Got closer. The rest was a physical and emotional beating. And I know I am no superman and it did affect me.
Maybe deep down, that was the problem. Maybe thats why you couldn't talk about it or explain it. Maybe you don't even realize it.
Sometimes we hold things back because of our past. I know I did. I met someone who was amazing but I let my past and my fears of that get in the way sometimes. Didn't always tell that person what I thought about. Why I was doing what I was doing. I hoped that person could see it in me and know.
