Who said anything about 2,3 10 years Ty? Not me. And that is not the situation. You are recently divorced Ty. You have had a long distance R with Val for what...5 months? And my concern isn't if it will or won't last as much as the message it sends to your kids to be in a new R so soon after becoming D'd.
So do you think that CL is doing the right thing? If not, why are you following suit? Maybe not to the same extent..but you are. You are introducing your significant other to their lives.
And this is MY belief and I guess you could say morals. That is where it comes from Ty. You can and will do whatever you want. You certainly don't need to take my advice. It is not what I would do if I were in your shoes. That is all.
And obviously the "Is it the want of your old R back and not willing to venture ahead?" comment is directed towards me...so what do you say we address that. No..I do not want my "old R" back. I want a new and improved R with the woman I married and vowed to spend the rest of my life with. That is what I want for me and my kids and even my W. Will that happen...i highly doubt it. But my W is not your W and my R was not your R. I believe and trust people can change if they choose to...because I know for a fact I did. So I have not shut her out and abandoned her or our M. Am I trying to face the reality and move on - yes - because I feel like that is what is healthiest for me. But if she turned around tomorrow I would do what I feel is right for MY kids and me work on my M.
I will Scott. You know that. And no... That was not directed at you. It was in a list of things that I could have kept running with but I chose not to.
Many people hold on for so long only to know in their hearts that they really don't want that person back.
It is something I have been dealing with here at work and my good friend Lis. She is severly co-dependant and her bf called it off after 8 months of being a "couple". I asked her if she would take him back if he turned around tomorrow and she said no... so I asked why would she still hang on? That is where the venturing part came from. I saw that in myself.
Codependants are like addicts when it comes to our relationships. We lose our drug and yet we look for every opportunity to get our fix. One phone call, one text message, one smile to give us a glimmer of hope. We get that and we carry on until the high goes away and we search again instead of going through the withdraws of the loss and "venturing" ahead.
Sorry for the tangent... Not directed towards you Swash.
M-35 going on 15 D-8 S- 3 yrs ex-CL(w)- 30
D over one year
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be. Douglas Adams "Just Be"
I would like to pose a question to you AG and Swash and whomever wants to answer this: Where do you get your proof that this is the wrong thing to do? Is it your own issues or morals? Is it a factual statement derived from someplace? Is it the want of your old R back and not willing to venture ahead?
I have no proof. Just personal opinion based input for you to consider and regard/disregard. Ultimately you are one of Crosby's primary caregivers and the decision is yours and only yours to make.
If you think it is a good idea - that is all that matters in the end.
Long time, huh? I hope you and the kids are doing well. I just have to say that HS's last post was very similar to how I feel. Knowing all of the highs and lows of your marriage has been very tough to go through...you have done an excellent job in self- preservation.
Pesonally, I don't see a problem with Val coming down here and staying with your family. I know you will keep up the appearance of a friend to the kids. With her being closer, it will help to clarify any questions or thoughts you might have. The kids have already been exposed to Cara's significant other and have done well in adapting to him. To present a picture to them, that you don't deserve love or attention, speaks volumes to maladjustment. You have been open and honest to the kids - answered their ques- tions as they arise...with Val coming down, there will be alot more to answer. Keep it open and honest - on their level.
You may have been recently divorced, but the marriage died long ago. Yes, everyone states about a year to shrug off any bad baggage from a previous marriage or relationship...but you have done that in a shorter amount of time. In fact, Val helped you in more ways than one. Children know a lot more than we give them credit for...they know Cara will always be their mother and you their father. So, stating that...you are entitled and will be encouraged to progress, whatever way you feel to go with Val. I'm sure she thinks about the same thing...you are both adults and will deal with it, as it comes.
So, have fun, enjoy yourself and I think that it's very nice on your part for helping her out. Tell her I said "Hi!".
Ty, I am going to third the opinions here from 1210 and HS.
Part of the problem is that as we grow people tend to forget that we have grown emotionally and our decisions are based on logic and thought.
Personally Ty, I have faith in you, and Val for that matter. It's not like this is a new relationship, you have been talking and seeing each other for 10 months now. Jesus, at what point do you share your life with your kids.
Here's the deal, from my perspective. At some point your children will be introduced to someone new whether it be Val or someone else. They will grow attached and if it doesnt work out, they will be hurt. Guess what, part of growing up is learning to deal with hurt, anger, and pain. How we teach our cildren to deal with such things helps to establish their character.
Ty, your a big boy, you did a great job DBing and getting through your sitch. You are moved on and with someone wonderful who is going to be part of your kids lives. Take your time, make the right decisions, and do what you need to do.
I love you bro..... And, I have a ton of faith in you and will be here for you as you move forward, just as the others with differing view points will be.
Beautifully put. But it can't be credited for much since you are my brother from another whore mother.
It all comes down to an issue of trust. (Ian you are so right) Not an issue of trust with others or even our S/XS/dead mules. It is an issue of trust within myself. Am I doing the right thing for me? Am I doing the right thing for my kids? Do I trust myself to follow through with what I say I'm going to do? YES... most definitely.
Cl is of course having a tough time with this. She is wanting to take different avenues to prevent this. She voices her concern over one the "the only thing" she has a concern with, only to turn it around and have a more important concern. (which I actually told her she would do, before issue #2 and #3 came into play) All based on assumptions of course.
It is all about control. Looking for an avenue that will get me to turn around to her way of thinking. I asked her if she trusts me when it comes to the kids and she said yes except for certain situations. I told her either she does or she doesn't. She said she does and I told her that she has her answer.
In all honesty I need to stop getting myself sucked in (just like old times). What will happen, will happen. I have no control of the outcome of this. Just control of me.
M-35 going on 15 D-8 S- 3 yrs ex-CL(w)- 30
D over one year
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be. Douglas Adams "Just Be"
Thank you Ian. I love you too. And, HS and 1210 and many others. I actually started that last post before my phone rang with CL on the other end.
I do love the differing opinions. I think it helps us all grow to hear a different side. Even if it is Swashy's opinion! (You know I love you Swash!!!)
1210-
Oh how I've missed thee. I'm so poor at keeping in touch. I always have been. I was hoping to see your input on this sitch. And I do tell Val you say hi everytime!! In fact, there might be a day that we might need to take a trip and we might just see about dinner and some hot muu muu dancing!! Thank you for your blessing..... it does mean TONS!!
M-35 going on 15 D-8 S- 3 yrs ex-CL(w)- 30
D over one year
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be. Douglas Adams "Just Be"
