Still stuck in Limbo Land

[MariS]

Grace_O

Thank you!!!

Your encouragement is what I am needing at the moment. I am not looking for the pat on the back or that "Yea you did it." I made the decison last Sept, that I love WAH-MLCer (prior seperation OW) & that I could move past his recent A & I would work on the M.

Sadly, he hasn't grown up and seems stuck in the MLC tunnel.

No, he will not admit to being an alcholic and is not seeking help..."there is nothing wrong with him, it's all me."

MIL reiterates that my WAH-MLCer is sick, just like his Father was (deceased for 11yrs)

Nothing was said in true anger this morning, but there was some emotion behind things here and there. I hope what bits I have said will sink in, but who knows.

Hardest part is keep the As If everything is normal for child.

It is nice to know there others out there who have been in a similiar situation and can provide input.

Thank you!

[RealJourney]

MariS, I think you are doing a fine job of not getting sucked into H's void. You are keeping your wits about you and are protecting your child. There is no time frame for all of this, so hang in there as best you can and take care. Did you get any more details from MIL about H's father?

[MariS]

InHerJourney + Others,

MIL & BIL are both competely in the corner for child & I and will do ANYTHING to help us. As for the deceased FIL, well he was alcoholic as well & cheated on MIL too(she found @ dr. appt.)

Journaling

WAH-MLCer was w/friend/OW yesterday afternoon & didn't return home until 10:30pm. Child & I were already in bed asleep(w/me). I feel like a rotten Mother when my child sees me crying, pats my chest and says "It's okay Mommy, I'll take care of you." That really didn't help the tears.....

Either way, child went back to own bed & an hour later after WAH-MLCer came home, I was still awake, even with over counter sleep medicine, so I slept on floor of child's bed.

This morning as child and I leave for school/work and WAH-MLCer has done nothing except wake child up and take to bed for snuggling then have his own shower, I left the following note on top of his cell.

Either OW or your family - not both
No more lies
Either move back in completely and give our family a chance or move out all together.

Will see what the day brings.

Thank you for thoughts and prayers...

[chicki]

MariS,

(((hugs))))It tore me up when I read what your D said & she is only 2?? WOW!!

I texted my H this morning somewhat in the same lines as you did. H moved back this past friday only to leave that same night back to OW house.

I wrote that if he decides to move back out there will not be a 3rd chance fo him. Told the girls6,7 &10yrs that daddy prolly will move back out to OW's, they were very sad. Said I wanted him to stay thru the holidays but I was not going to hold him & that he wins.

[Grace_O]

"It's okay Mommy, I'll take care of you." That really didn't help the tears.....

I know. I have D15 and D12 and sometimes they'll just come up to me and say you look like you need a hug (it's always when I do) and it makes me feel like I should be better for them.

Well, you made your point. Now, the ball is in his court.

[chicki]

These kids of ours are awesome!!!!

[MariS]

Grace_O & Chiki

Where do our kids get the inner strength that we sometimes are lacking?

I just don't want to be a failure to child, who is the innocent one in all of WAH-MLCer's mess.

Either way, yeah the ball IS in his court.

Noticed that friend/OW mood on myspace last Tuesday was sad and his mood on Saturday was nostalgic (he had been going through photos)Neither have logged on today, yet.

So who the heck knows anymore....

Thank goodness I have this bb

[MariS]

Journaling...

24hrs later and WAH-MLCer is status quo.

Made it home w/child & he walked in the door 5minutes behind us. Stayed about 2hrs & then went out to local Mexican place and returned 2hrs later. (even though I had a meal cooked)

Guess it is now time for me to AS If everything is normal. Either way, I am still ignoring him, unless he actually calls. Don't feel like dealing w/his txt messages.

Naturally, he wanted "his attention" this morning and it is STILL just about sex, no kissing or emotional connection.
This MLC ride is horrid and I am trying to hang in, but I do feel liberated that I drew a line.

Now if I can keep the strength to inforce it, without creating any speedbumps (i.e. snooping, following, questioning, etc.)

Time to REALLY let go, totaly detach & pull back.
Concentrate more on me & child.

[maryfromaustin]

hi MariS,

hang in there.............


i lasted 15 months with not knowing where my marriage would end up. i taught myself to have patience. but i also taught myself to not cling on. i needed my time to think about what I wanted in life.

did i want to hang on to someone that didn't love me? no, therefore, i started to look the other way. i didn't date men but i didn't stop having male friends. i told them straight out i didn't want a relationship whatsoever. i wanted a friend, that's all. some didn't stick around but there were a couple that understood my situation with my "separation".

did i want to depend on him financially again? no, therefore, i started my own business.

did i want to go through this fiasco again? definitely no. before he moved back home i wanted to make sure that we were both on the right page. i told him i wanted to take things s.l.o.w. i knew it would take time but i didn't want to confuse the kids. i told him i didn't want to depend on him financially, so my money is mine and vice versa but we both have to split the responsibilities. he agreed. i wanted to know if he was moving back home because of the kids....he said "no, i want to try to work things out with you".

i know so much about myself now. i know i can handle just about anything on my own. i was miserable without his friendship and his love. so much time apart....i cried so much and i hated him at the same time. i went through so much therapy it's not even funny.

thing is...how can i truly trust him? what if he goes through this "looney" phase again? my kids would be devastated again. i don't think I could go through with it ever again. i got so sick the first couple of months of the separation and i was on heavy medication. NEVER AGAIN!!!

mariS,
there is only so much a woman can take. no one can tell you what to feel or what to do with your marriage. only YOU can make that decision. my opinion shouldn't matter. you're the one that is going through the heartache. what i see right now is not going to sound too positive to you. i see that your H is having the best of both worlds. he's depending on you financially, sexually, and to be there when he needs to shell out some anger. whenever the OW doesn't give it to him he comes to you, whether you want to or not (he knows you want him back). i think you made a very good decision on giving him an ultimatum. OW or his family!

i've read your happy journaling and i've read your devastating ones too. it is a rollercoaster ride. only YOU can put a stop to this. he may never come out of this shell. you don't depend on him financially, spiritually, or emotionally. you are on your own. do you honestly want this for the rest of YOUR life? the love of your life may be out there looking for someone as special as you. no matter if you have children. that person may be THE love you've always been looking for. but how will you know... you're still wanting this man that is be-littling you all the time? the way i knew that i was going to be ok with or without my H was to say "bring me the divorce papers and i'll sign tomorrow. i'm through with you. i won't allow you to walk all over me. i can make it on my own with three kids. i want to move on with my life".......

i was serious. i wanted to just move on. i wanted to stop daydreaming about the man i married to come back home. i needed a man in my life, not a 35 yr old baby. well, that's all it took. he took me seriously and day by day he started to come around. he went on a trip to NY and came back a changed man. no more talks about divorce. now he wanted to reconcile. he wanted to give it a chance. it was unbelievable. too good to be true actually. i still have my guard up. i know what i went through and i can't forget the pain. love is patient.........

like i said. my opinion should not matter. by telling him to bring you the divorce papers doesn't mean he won't do it. do whatever your intuition tells you to do. if you want him to stop seeing OW, then change the locks. he'll know you mean business.

know that deep in my heart i know the heartache you're going through. by no means do i want your marriage to end. i will pray that you make the right decision, for your sake and your child's.

please take care of YOU.

[MariS]

MaryfromAustin + Others

Thank you for your insight & words of wisdom. Since I last wrote, child has been ill w/diarreaha & WAH-MLCer has been decent to us both. It IS a roller coaster ride & I personal hate them, don't even ride them in real life.

I think that WAH-MLCer senses that I am almost done. He has lately seems to trying a little more & last night when we went to bed he acknowledged that I was right that happiness comes from within.

I guess where I am at for the moment is a "I dont care anymore" attitude. I drew the line and now I need the strength from within to reinforce my decision, while at the same time, fight for my family...not was, but what can be.

Will need to re-read my DB book and others.

<sigh>

Ill child has been w/me at work today, which just adds more stress, but reminds me that child IS the most important & MY relationship w/child.