I'm seeing light, now what?

[Phoenix_spark]

I guess W still can't see the purpose of working on M. She says that she still feels the same way and is trying to convince me that D is the best thing. I told her that goes against my core beliefs, however her decisions are her's to make and that she will have to bear them. Anyhow, there was much more to the whole R talk last night. All in all, it wasn't too positive, but she knows where I stand. She knows I will fight and that if she takes this South I won't stay a puppet in her pocket. This took her for a loop.

So, I guess she has some tough decisions. I tried real hard to avoid any bad DB errors, I think I did alright. But needless to say, I do feel that high anxiety again.

[Aud31]

I'm so sorry to hear that Phoenix. I'm glad you made it clear where you stand. It's important that she knows it won't be a cakewalk. You're in my prayers, as always.

I hope you can find some time to do something that helps with the anxiety.

[WCW]

Phoenix, how are things?
Have you done any 180's since the bad talk? what if you stopped being a puppet NOW, why wait until she takes this south? That doesn't mean to be mean, but detach from being a pocket puppet. Could she use a dose of reality?

[cat03]

hey PS, needed to read your thread. Sadly, my motto right now isn't "I will fight for my R 'til the bitter end" it is "there is only so much I can put up with"

Have lots to learn still *sigh* don't know where you get your streanght for, hopefully it will rub off on me I need to stop telling my H that there is a limit to my patience (going on mth two of being room mates and of choppy communication).

I hope your W decides chooses to keep the M, good luck PS.

[Phoenix_spark]

This will have to be a readers digest version, but I do have to vent and put it out there so my DB friends here can keep me on task. It's been a real rough week or two. Here's the main points, since I thought things were doing better I tried to be more affectionate. We'll apparently I was wrong and W started to bring up the fact that her feeling haven't changed, haven't been able to/don't want to change them, can't see why to try any more, perhaps we need to get more serious about D. I said I didn't believe that was the answer, we could work this out, was not just going to role over and go away but be at her beck and call for support, babysitting.....

That was not what she wanted to hear. I stood my ground and in fact said that I was probably going in a completely different direction than what she planned. So I guess I put a stop in her machinery. That means I made it through the weekend without getting papers in my nose. Perhaps the fact of me fighting the whole mess, perhaps costing more than she had wanted, having to face a lot of questions from a lot of people......

I also know that a few people have let her know that she is nuts to throw this away. That didn't sit well either. As others have heard and come forward, most who have "been there and done that", they are echoing the "you don't want this" and "she's nuts to do this", event the ones that are not in a married relationship. Hearing all this is good, but it doesn't overcome the anxiety from day to day waiting to see if the other shoe will drop.

With all said and done, I know what I want to do, it's the time and ground in the middle that seems very daunting right now. My resolve strengthens when I get on here, or I sing the kids to bed at night, or when she does something that I've always found cute. Focus, focus, focus.

I don't mean to be a hard ___ to her, but I've kind of been pushed to my limit, I'm not backing down on this. What she is proposing is not right, so no I will not roll over. Too much at stake, and it's impossible to undo this mess once it's tied. Either one day she will love me, or hate my guts. My kids will know I went down swinging. I just hope that if this goes south, my youngest will remember all I did. Probably not.

Anyhow, I'm going to keep my eyes up, attitude positive, and don't let the negative build. I don't feel bad about anything I've done and if I did, I've apologized for anything I might have done wrong and I can't change the past. Sorry about the "dissertation", but it had to be said.

[the girl]

PS,
I know exactly, exactly that horrible, anxiety ridden, isolated feeling of hearing all the stuff your W said to you about her feelings not changing, and how you had to tell her to count the costs and that you are in till the end...

Ug. it is like trying to run a marathon with your shoelaces tied. You feel like a pathetic idiot, but you are not giving up. I love that in you and I pray God would give you mountains of stamina.

When I kept getting that speech from my H, it was because he was still all muddled up with the OW, though claiming it was over. It is the coward stance. They are too weak, enmeshed with the fantasy of the A, double faced and spineless to take a stand.

What if you just told her to go do what she wants? Almost a 'devil may care' attitude? I am wondering if she is taking you for granted, thinking you'll just put up with whatever she dishes out.

That was my tactic, and it apparently worked, as my H is not talking that way anymore and is really trying to improve things. Every time I heard the "we aren't getting anywhere and my feelings haven't changed" spewing at me, I imagined myself a duck and said, "you are free to go. I am not holding you. Go do what you want. I am not filing. Leave me if you want." I tried to let it roll off my back.
But geeeez, it kills.

I know that he talks that way when things are heated up with the OW. In which case I really have no control and nothing to work on. Sometimes I pretend he has already left me and I start making plans for my life without him. Like, "what would I do if I was a single girl?". It helps.

God bless you. You are a real man!
The Girl

[cat03]

hey PS, no need to appologize, it's healthy to let it out once in a while.

Don't know who said in the Separated forum some months ago, but I'll never forget it
"it might be too late but damn if it will be too little"

reminding myself that, to not give up without a fight.

[BeingMe]

Dissertation? Hardly! I wouldn't mind some more info!

Your W is a procrastinator, and is hoping an angel will appear that will leave no doubt as to what is right. But, that's not real life (at least, not that I'm aware of). She is also very stubborn, and doesn't like to be wrong! I like that you were more assertive, and didn't back down. I am sure your W has many wonderful traits, but they're not the one's that will help in your M sitch. Still, you could concentrate on those, and try and draw them out in some way.

Phoenix, you have been on this road for a long, long time. Maybe, it's time to really shake things up. Not sure in what way, but clearly being Mr. Nice Patient Guy isn't doing the trick. I know, because I was being Mrs. Nice Patient Gal, and that sure didn't do anything, although not much is happening now either. Sigh!

Just a thought!

[Phoenix_spark]

Thanks, Girl, Cat03, BeingMe, WCW, for the good words and suggestions. Yes, I would say that the nice, patient, PS is slowly fading away. Am I going to go out and do something just to instigate and make a point? I don't think so, but I will stand up when the time comes. In the last R talk I was very clear, controlled when I said, "you know I do love you....but I don't believe or can go along with....". So I made my point that I wasn't going to be pushed into something that I did not want or support. This let her know that I would not go along with anything that I thought was wrong for me or the kids. Of course though, I did say that I recognized that she did have her own choices to make and the rest of us would have to deal with them as they came up.

I feel that W is a good person that has got trapped in some positions that she doesn't feel she had full control over (Not that many of us do her), some during our M, most previous. What she thinks this will do is give her back control. But I'm sure most D people would agree that a D just puts you more out of control of what you had before. Everything becomes more of a hassle, even the children have less control of their lives. I can't tell you how many times I've heard, "Can Johnny come over? Not, this weekend he's at his Dad's. Johnny won't come to camp this year because his Mom has him this summer. So who gets the freedom? The parent has to guard the child twice as much and the child has less opportunities and freedoms.

Yes we have both changed since we were married, but I think we should grow towards, instead of away from each other. Still going to be a nice person, not sure about patient:-)

[WCW]

Phoenix, you seem to be in a battle of words and wills with W. You tell her what you think, she tells you what she thinks, they don't match up and you keep going around. Do you validate her feelings? Do you support that she has differing opinions? How can you show her that life without PS is not just a pasture of green grass but weeds will grow on that side of the fence too?