Retrouvaille vs Counseling

[limbo]

HB,

I don't believe that this weekend can do you any harm, and I think that you would benefit from it!
My H would never talk about his feelings, but now he does and he says that he finds this very liberating, it is done in such away that it is not threatening.
I think that if he is willing to go, then take advantage of it!

[Heartbroken]

That's what I was thinking!! How long is each post session? I see two per each Sat. following the weekend session but there are no times listed....

Thanks for your valuable input! I still am so addicted to these boards...I want to help others get as far as we have gotten and yet I still need so much help plodding along...

HB

[limbo]

No problem HB....I feel the same way!!

Our sessions start at 11:30am and finish at 4pm, ours are on a Saturday. They go for 6 weeks, we have 2 more in Oct and 2 in November.

[Sara]

HB,

I think Retrouvaille will be fabulous for you and your husband. It should do exactly what you need done, to focus both of you in on the relationship between the two of you. No outside people. It's wonderful that there is one coming so soon near you. I think you will be very happy with the results.

[Heartbroken]

Thanks!

I just emailed my H the link to their main webpage. My only concern is that I have to work 2 Saturday's a month and may not be able to get to every post session....

I asked H if he was doing this for me and he said no - it needs to be for us - (good answer ).

I am not sure what makes me happy any more - I mean I want him and our R but I need the emotional connection he cannot give right now and not sure if and when he will be able to... We are just taking it day by day.

Things are good - I just don't feel emotionally connected and I hope this weekend thing will jumpstart that! Don't get me wrong I am sooooo grateful to be at this point considering where we were last year - but yet I don't want to be his second choice or for him always wondering what he could have had with OW. He says I am not the second choice - but I feel I am more the 'politically correct choice' if that makes sense. Okay I will stop whining now - just focus on the present and make each day as best as we can...

Thanks for all your support!

HB

[limbo]

HB,

The post session, I know in our sessions, some people have come on there own when the other spouse can't make it, so if your h would be willing that is always an option, and then he can dicuss it with you.

I can only speak of my own experiance, my h and I definately didn't have an emotional connection, and haven't had one for many years, and I can say that the weekend has definately given us that! I don't think that we have really had such a strong connection as we do now...so hopefully it will give you the same, it may not happen quickly, but you will have a different openess.
Because your h is willing to do the weekend and it seems that he wants to for him, then thats half the battle, which will make it alot better, because my H was the same....

I know how you feel, it will still be hard, on the weekend I was slipping back alittle thinking I just can't do this, that there is so much damage and hurt...but I quickly work through this now and it doesn't stay with me like it use to.

So go into this with an open mind and heart, and you will only reap rewards from the weekend!

[Sara]

HB,

I don't know where you live, so you will need to talk to the people who present your Post sessions. One couple in our group had the wife videotape each post session and then watch it at home with her husband, because he worked weekends. They said that worked very well. Also, our group said you can always repeat a Post session the next time it is offered by just contacting them to know when it will be. I'm sure you will find a way to overcome the problem.

My husband and I got the spark back at the Retrouvaille weekend too. It seems like such a miracle, but it really works. Can't say why exactly. It sounds to me like your husband does really want to be with you, but you suffer from negative thinking. We all do that to some extent. This will help you to get over that.

Please post after your weekend so we know how it goes for you. I think you will be very happy with the results.

[Heartbroken]

Thanks you two!

Sara - you are right - I need to stop the negative cycle and I am working on this!! I am just so scared of being hurt again - I feel I trust him far to much to quickly and it has burned me in the past...but that's how I love - I give of myself 100...

[I_Wanna_Make_It_Work]

CY - Email me privately. I'm liking what I'm reading in your posts. We have a group of men standing in NY/NJ/CT - we meet once a month. Details if you're interested.

[Contyankee]

Hi Sara or anyone else who has some advice.

Still in limbo but my question concerns Christmas. We always spend Christmas Day at my sister-in-laws house (wife's sister) and her husband and I had that big confrontation last June of '06.

Last year, it was very uncomfortable for me and I am sure for them. My other sister-in-law (wife's other sister) has told my wife that her and her husband do not feel welcome in my home, although I never said they could not come. I of course am accountable based on my wife theory and her sister and her husband. They did not attend my children's birthday this past June.

Anyway, last Christmas, no one really talked to me and I of course feel unwelcome there, as they are full of anger, bitterness, resentment and probably hatred for me. For example, during tthe clean-up of the pots and pans, both of my brother-in-laws and I were helping to clean up. I tried to make small talk, but they didn't respond so I gave up. Then, this past Easter, my sister-in-law had to coax her husband to come to my house because he did not want to go. Once again, I tried to make small talk and recieved One, one word answer to a question of how was work going, and he said "find." That was it.

I also might add, and I really don't care but I want to make a point, my birthday was October 29th and last year and this year it was not acknowledged. Really, I don't care but the reason I am stating this fact is my mother still gave my wife $25 for her birthday this past June.

So now we come to the question. In all honesty, I really do not want to spend Christmas with her family and would rather spend it with my family. I am not saying my wife and children cannot go to her sister's, I would rather spend the holiday where I am loved and respected, not hated and resented.

So when the time comes, how should I handle this? What I would want to say, and not say it in an angry or confrontation tone is:

"Karin, you and I both know that I am not welcome at your family's home and I know they have hard feelings for me. I would rather spend it alone with my family. You take the kids to your family's home for the holidays and wish them all a Merry Christmas for me."

She will probably say either fine, or get confrontational. I am assuming she will get angry and conrontational. If so, I thought of adding, "I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable by my mere presence, especially on the holidays."

CY