Thank you both so much. I sat tonight with some friends and they really hit a lot of these points also. I am a very self sacrificing person. I don't really know even who i am anymore. I have lost myself in who I needed to be for him.
I am just not sure where to start. I was asked tonight what was holding me back from moving on and GAL and the answer I came up with was because i am afraid I will lose H forever. How silly is that. I have already lost him forever so I really have nothing to lose and everything to gain by improving. I just need to figure out where to start.
I think part of me is afraid that if I change and move on I will realize how badly I was treated and I wont want my marriage. I know that really sounds warped but I get scared that I might find I am happier without him and that terrifies me as to what that will do to my kids.
M 32 H 39 SS 15, SD 12, S11, S9, D7, D6, D4 E/A 02/06 WAS 03/06 RH 05/06 On 07/07 told me he wants to leave again. On 08/11/07 Walked out again.
People say "When God closes a door he opens a window." They forget to tell you "It is hell in the hallway!"
Yeah, I think that's warped but then I must be warped too because similar thoughts have crossed my mind. I don't have kids so I'm sure it's even worse with that to think about as well. My heart goes out to you.
My mom told me something a while back that might help you out. I was stressing about W and what if I do something wrong, what if I say something wrong, what if what if what if. She said "She's gone, you've already lost her, so do anything cause you have nothing left to lose". That really brought me some peace. I was so busy trying to change the situation and make it be something it wasn't that I was wearing myself out. Instead, if I accept that it's already gone, I'm free of the stress because it's out of my hands. And, as a bonus, I'm free to do things for me which may in turn actually bring back what I lost. May not but maybe it will.
I don't know if you're familiar with "The Secret" but there's something in there that I keep thinking about. What you resist, persists. I was fighting so hard against getting a D (and still am in some regards) that I was actually bringing it closer to happening. Instead, the more turn my energy towards fighting for the M, the more successful I become. Instead of fighting against the stream, I use it's momentum to help me make small changes in the current. Homer McDonald refers to this as jujitsu. It's hard and I'm by no means perfect (read my thread for proof of that ) so I'm not lecturing. In fact, maybe I'm talking more to myself than to anyone else. I do think there is value in this though which is why I'm passing it on.
SO I blew it again today. He took his mistress back again and I threw a fit like an idiot. I am beginning to think I deserve what I get because I am not even surviving divorce busting for one day much less a week.
I have misplaced both DR and DB from last time this happened and I think I am going to purchase those again
M 32 H 39 SS 15, SD 12, S11, S9, D7, D6, D4 E/A 02/06 WAS 03/06 RH 05/06 On 07/07 told me he wants to leave again. On 08/11/07 Walked out again.
People say "When God closes a door he opens a window." They forget to tell you "It is hell in the hallway!"
The first one is short and kind of explains my sitch. The second is the most recent and the one that I'm updating. I thought it best to keep everything to one thread after I got over the initial spastic "oh my God, please help me!" stage. I don't think there's any great insights in anything I wrote but you're welcome to look.
Ok so today I went to church and the first thing i see is a father walking his handicapped child to class. I realized my trials were nothing in comparison.
I then went into church and I heard a mother tell a story of her 5 year old dying last week and I realized my pain does not compare.
I then made the decision that I was going to be a single mom and I was going to be good at it. I decided that the crying was over. I felt peace for the first time in my life. I am almost scared by the calmness I feel. I feel like I can let God take this situation over and I really am 100% sure he will see me through it.
I wrote a 7 page letter in church to my husband and then called him and read it. It was so unbelievable to just tell him. You are free. I am done. i will not call... I will not email I do not want to feel the pain anymore. I am OK. He didn't say a word or get angry just listened to me. At the end we hung up and I honestly can say I am going to be ok. The best part is I am not just saying it. I am feeling it. I feel safe and secure knowing I can do this with or without him.
My goals for today
1)take kids to church 2) take kids to park 3) Get laundry caught up 4) Read my bible 30 minutes 5) Take 30 minutes out for me and just enjoy my quiet time when the kids are in bed. 6) make the kids sleep in their own bed to gain some normalcy back. 7) Make NO phone calls to husband for any reason at all.
I will let you know tonight how I do.
M 32 H 39 SS 15, SD 12, S11, S9, D7, D6, D4 E/A 02/06 WAS 03/06 RH 05/06 On 07/07 told me he wants to leave again. On 08/11/07 Walked out again.
People say "When God closes a door he opens a window." They forget to tell you "It is hell in the hallway!"
15 Minutes after I hung up he called me back and asked if he could come see me. Stupid me should have said no but I said yes. He came over and told me he missed me and the kids and wanted to come back. He said that he can't live without us. We ended up spending the day together and it was great and then......
He and I ended up in bed and the minute we had sex he got up and went absolutely insane he started freaking out and said I just cheated on my girlfriend. I can't believe i did that i am terrible and it went on and on and he told me he was going to kill himself.
I told him I could not stand and go through this anymore and that he needed to calm down and he got in his car and took off. 3 hours later I got a call that he is in the psychiatric unit at a local hospital. He is refusing to see me and says that the reason he wants to kill himself is all my fault.
I feel like such a piece of trash right now. I honestly think that the only thing left for me to do is just completely cut him off until he gets help. I mean no answering phone, no letting him come over, and NO getting in bed with him.
It is so hard to love someone so much but what he is doing is wrong. He told my kids he was coming back and now he is telling me to tell them he never will. I am not telling them anything. they can't take it.
So my question is. Am I wrong in thinking that maybe this battle is fought out? Am I wrong in feeling like it may be better to just let him divorce me without trying to get him back? I believe in my vows in sickness and health but I feel there are some deal breakers such as abandonment, abuse, and repetitive adultery and he has done all of that.
Any opinions?
M 32 H 39 SS 15, SD 12, S11, S9, D7, D6, D4 E/A 02/06 WAS 03/06 RH 05/06 On 07/07 told me he wants to leave again. On 08/11/07 Walked out again.
People say "When God closes a door he opens a window." They forget to tell you "It is hell in the hallway!"
Well, last night my kids called him to say goodnight at the hospital and I didn't ask to talk to him. I felt empowered by that but then today his mom and his boss called with all these questions so i had to call him. I did and it was ok until I was an idiot and said can I come see you tonight and he said I am not sure. I said how will I know? He said I may call you....
At this point I feel like I am hanging on the line again. I want to scream. I know I am probably best to just not call or not show up right? What is your opinion? I just feel like I need to be there in his time of need but then I feel like he doesnt want me there.
I want to strangle the other woman but I know that I cant do that so I am just sick to my stomach.
Can someone reassure me that this yucky feeling inside my gut goes away??
M 32 H 39 SS 15, SD 12, S11, S9, D7, D6, D4 E/A 02/06 WAS 03/06 RH 05/06 On 07/07 told me he wants to leave again. On 08/11/07 Walked out again.
People say "When God closes a door he opens a window." They forget to tell you "It is hell in the hallway!"
I think it goes away if only because you'll get sick of making yourself sick and make no mistake, you are making yourself sick. Amy, if you're going to be serious about cutting him off (as you stated) you have to do a better job of prepping yourself to do that. What I mean is, maybe you did have to call him today but if that's true, did you run through it in your head first? Did you tell yourself that you were going to talk about exactly what needed to be said and nothing more? Did you remind yourself to be calm, clear and detached? Did you take deep breaths, remind yourself of your goals and move from there? If you fail to prepare, prepare to fail.
You know this stuff, you know what you have to do. I'm not lecturing you, God knows I'd be the pot calling the kettle black, I'm just trying to remind you that you cannot go halfway with this thing. This sometimes strong, sometimes needy thing you're doing is only going to make it that much harder for you down the road. He's (rightly) seeing this behavior as a lack of commitment on your part to change and when he starts to see sincere change in the future, he won't believe it because he's seen this back and forth too many times. Eventually, when he does believe it, things may be too late for you. Do yourself a favor, take yourself off the roller coaster.
Thank you Bryan. I would give you a big hug if I was there. I need someone to set me straight every now and then. I am seriously not going to call him anymore. I am so frustrated right now that I could scream.
My son called the hospital tonight to say goodnight and they said that he had checked out. I can't believe he didn't let his kids know.
I think I have finally hit the angry point and I I really don't want to talk to him so not calling him will be easy at least for a day or two.
M 32 H 39 SS 15, SD 12, S11, S9, D7, D6, D4 E/A 02/06 WAS 03/06 RH 05/06 On 07/07 told me he wants to leave again. On 08/11/07 Walked out again.
People say "When God closes a door he opens a window." They forget to tell you "It is hell in the hallway!"
) so I'm not lecturing. In fact, maybe I'm talking more to myself than to anyone else. I do think there is value in this though which is why I'm passing it on.