Retrouvaille vs Counseling

[Lord Grenville]

...Unfortunately, when a spouse is involved with OP and wants to move on, there isn't anything that can be done. If that relationship ends there might be hope, but right now you are stuck.

Yes - unfortunately you are right about that, Sara. There's not much more I can do. With the OM living 3 hours away from W, they haven't spent enough time together to see the not-so-perfect traits in each other, and their R will not be likely to fail anytime soon.

I would like to thank you, Sara, for your generous contributions on this thread and on so many other forums. You provide a lot of positive encouragement and hope which is so important for those of us who are trying to save our marriages.

Best wishes to all of you who will be attending Retrouvaille weekends in upcoming weeks.

LG

[Sara]

That's very nice of you to say, LG. Thank you. I too send my best wishes to those attending Retrouvaille in the upcoming weeks.

[25yearsmlc]

LG,

I echo Sara's comments and am sorry she chose not to go. For the life of me, I cannot grasp why someone would prefer tossing in the towel over doing any and all they could do to save their R's and family. Your assessment about the length of time it takes to have her "work through" the R with OP is on target I think. Due to the distance they'll get to avoid too much time together for awhile. But that time will come IF the R continues. It's a waiting game for you, if you can handle it.

For the record, my M is better now, I THINK, than it has been for years. I always fear saying things like that b/c of my fears. But then I realize that This might have been what was required for us to get here. Sadly. Like forging steel with fire, and the burning hurts, but so far, seems as if we're on track despite what I felt a year or so ago. I would NOT have expected this. Goes to show that God does not tire of our requests for miracles. Sometimes I think God believes we should ask for miracles more often, not less. Please don't give up. I am glad I didn't.

I wish you strength and faith.
j-

[limbo]

I said that I would post here about the Retro weekend.

The first thing is...if you can get your spouse there please do it!!
It truly is a life changing experiance! It is hard to explain it, but it makes such a change in our marriage.
I know that right now is still early days, but it gives you a different type of hope.
It makes you look at each other for who you really are, and see what can be.
The presenting couples are truly amazing people to be able to go in front of people they don't know and lay themselves open as they due, nothing is held back...and they truly care about us, and tell us all the time how proud they are of us!
The weekend is a full one, but every minute you are there is so worth while.
The religous side of things is not overpowering, God is mentioned but you never feel like you are being preached to or judged.
I am Catholic, and since losing my Dad my faith had slowly erroded away, however after this weekend I find myself with a new faith in God, and want to return to it. Even my h who is not Catholic wants us to turn back to God, I truly feel that we were pushed to this weekend by some force!
Please feel free to ask any questions you may have! I will be more then happy to answer them!

[Disillussioned]

Please feel free to ask any questions you may have! I will be more then happy to answer them!

Limbo,
Did they talk about the follow up sessions? I'm wondering because the session I'm planning on attending is a couple hours drive, but there is also a location that is more local. I was wondering about the possibility of doing the full weekend away and then the follow up sessions local.

[DaveJ]

limbo, can you describe the weekend a little bit? How is it done? What made everyone see things differently? Were there a lot of skeptical spouses there in the beginning? How did their thinking change? Thanks!

[limbo]

Dis, the follow up sessions, not to sure about, as to where you can do them...It might be good to stay close that way you are with the same people you were on the weekend with, it might make things alittle easier, also I can see that friendships will be built through this weekend! I would talk to the organizers to see what they suggest.

Dave: the weekend starts off on the Friday night, where you are greeted by people who have done the weekend before, they bring your bags to your room, and try to make you feel comfortable.
You are then off and running.
Each of the 3 presenting couples take turns in doing presentations, each couple through out the weekend will talk about different topics in relationships, and relates that to their own experiences, nothing is held back, they talk very openly about there own experiences and all that was involved.
The whole purpose of the weekend is for us to learn to talk, and be able to talk about our feelings, at then end of each session we are given a question to answer.
One of the spouses are sent to the hotel room, the other stays in the meeting room...we are then given time to write our response, at then end of that time the spouse come up to the hotel room, we exchange our books and read what the other has written, once we have done that we talk about it.
In doing it this way it removes any confrontation, it never felt threatening, from the beginning it felt very safe, and it seems to promote really honesty...at no point did I doubt my H responses, he was totally open.
There are post sessions that they really stress to attend, by then end of the weekend there was no doubt that we would go, we want to continue this learning and work.
I think that there were alot of skeptics, some even said they had been, didn't really think anything could work...you could also here the change in people and the questions they asked, at the start of the weekend you could hear that people were truly feeling hopeless, but by the end there was alot of hope!
You have to go to truly understand, there is alot that goes on, and it is all positive.

[DaveJ]

limbo, thanks! I REALLY hope my W will be willing to go for the Nov 16th one in Phoenix. I'm hoping that things progress positively in the next month and half or so that my W would be open to it. That would be so nice.... Here's hoping and praying. In the meantime, I guess I keep DBing and keep things positive between the W and I.

[limbo]

I hope so to for you Dave, Retrouville means rediscovery and it truly is!

[Heartbroken]

Hello Limbo and Sara too!

I have been in piecing for 13 wks now - true piecing with no OP involved to muck things up or make it harder than it already is.

H cannot tell me ILY and I get this but then I don't. I know from these boards that the WAS can take a long time getting over the A. We ML almost every other night and we are very affectionate with each other but yet there is little emotional connection for me - I am afraid to say ILY to him due to not wanting to pressure him at all.

This weekend we went to an beer garten - OKTOBERFEST - and after two large beers (and little dinner on my part) we fell into a deep R discussion - basically I am just so afraid of him leaving once again (I have nightmares 2-3 times a week and wake up crying). My fears seem to be getting worse the longer he is away from OW...just like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.

H says he will go to see a C or whatever (he feels we both need to go not just him)... I suggested a Retrouville weekend - we have one coming up at the end of October - 30 mins from home. My parents would have to come out from WI to stay with the kids. Are we candidates for this?? - will it help H open up emotionally to me or is that just going to take time...??? He has some demons he's afraid to share for fear of freaking me out - but yet I tell him I imagine the worst now anyways...(I suspect it's having to do with not fully being over the OW though he's had no contact as far as I can tell...)

Also how long is each follow up session?

Thanks for the info... We can go see our IC/MC that were went to during the A time but this weekend thing seems to focus on the present and I like that!

Thanks for your help!!

HB