Still stuck in Limbo Land

[maryfromaustin]

hi mariS,

sorry to hear about your snoop doggy dog husband. seems he has nothing better to do. i sure hope you're hanging in there for the sake of your kid. i wonder though.....

how long before everything turns into moosh? i seem to understand my H issues but what if he leaves again? these feelings may be normal during the reconciliation period. i do have doubts about his staying here. i was so in love with him then that i never ever thought he would leave me. now that he's back what's to say he won't do it again?

i'm worried about this. my kids cannot go through another trauma. neither can i. it's been only one month since he moved in and i am sure this "working out" doesn't take just a couple of months. i figure it would take one year to sort things out but at least we were together with the kids.

bah, why worry! right? if i worry then i let all this negativity in my life again. i'm doing just fine right now. i'm busier than ever and i couldn't be happier. this is just a small bump on the road. i'm thinking i need to breathe on my own (if that makes any sense). i've been so happy these past few weeks that i haven't done things on my own. i should go out with some girls and have him do the same. maybe we need some air. i told him i didn't want to talk about everything right away. this working out deal will take time. there is no rush. why rush into things?

[MariS]

Mary,

I am so glad we found each other on this BB. You seem 2 mirror the feeling, questions & concerns that I have @ the same time, AND they are VERY valid.

Maybe my lesson is 2 take things one day @ a time, not plan my life away like I use 2, & be gratefull for what I'm given that day/evening.

Have you moved over to piecing yet?

I doubt that I will be there anytime soon. My WAH-MLCer is still very much in the throws of his MLC, still. Ugh!!!

Your H has @ least fully moved back in, has said he is willing 2 work on the M & seems 2 be giving it a go. Yes, this is where the hardest work is for us, the LBS. We must show that we are NOT our old selves & will NOT revert to our old ways.

You can do this Mary!!!!

--------

Journaling,

Well it has now been a year since WAH-MLCer walked out on child & I & things are better, but still not the best. I didn't acknowledge the date or anything, just did my own thing w/child.

We are having more family outings, moments, meals, etc. WAH-MLCer is back at the house, but threatens every so often about leaving. I ignore, until last night, when I gently said, "If you feel that you really need to leave, then go."

Amazingly, he stayed.

As for our M/R, IMO, it is 90% just sex & all I am is an outlet for his physical need. The other 10% is here and there, but I feel no connection to WAH-MLCer.

I can see where WAH-MLCer is trying and that there are still positives. It is when those negatives hit you out of the blue to cause a speedbump that I am thrown. Today, I am totaly ignoring WAH-MLCer and doing what I need to do for myself & child. WAH-MLCer still drinks his vodka every night, has sleep issues, etc.

At least this time around, I don't retaliate, I just take care of child, pets, family & I and say those are his demons, not mine.

Thank you for letting me ramble....

[MariS]

Journaling...

WAH-MLCer had a bad day yesterday, but at least he still communicted w/me. Plus, asking for some cash was a BIG step for him, even coming to my work for it.

So, when I was off work & he had picked child up, I decided to take child out for errands & dinner, leaving WAH-MLCer free to do as he chose. Even gave him a little more cash, so he wouldn't be "stuck" at the house.

Had a dejavue panic when he started txting at 10pm and at 1am txted he was tired and would see me tommorrow(his cell off)

He didnt come home & even though I freaked, I didn't go snooping for him. YEAH!!

He is only using txt, but sent a message saying he was sorry, I didn't do anything wrong & he doesn't understand why he isn't happy w/anything anymore.

My reply was I was sorry, understood, wish I could magically make it all better, we are partners and I can only help when he shares AND that I "still" believed in him.

THIS is a complete change in me, not only from last year, but overall. Now I need to re-read my DB book and focus on the depressive spouse.

Still GALing, working two jobs, started a home business & taking care of child/pets.

Going to a costume party in a few weeks w/WAH-MLCer - have ordered the playboy pirate costume & the thigh high boots. Maybe this will help snap his depression...ha, ha.

Thanks for letting me journal.

Still want to know when it is my turn to leave reality.......

[MariS]

Okay,

I can not locate my print out or link that I obtained from this BB, prior to the update. I am looking for the thread that listed and discussed the "Stages of MLC."

Can anyone help?

Journaling,

I firmly believe my WAH-MLCer is in depression. This morning, he mentioned that he would like to "Go back to sleep & not wake up." I lightened it up and said he couldn't do that to us & gave him a quick peck on the cheek and went about the day.

Doing my best to provide him with a safe/nurturing environment to help him w/his demons and his journey.

Everyone have a safe holiday weekend....I will keep ALL of you in mind and continue to send prayers.

[MariS]

Still looking for archived information....

Journaling,

WAH-MLCer still in limbo land. Now I really understand how we can make or break it.

Had HUGE anger issues last weekend, mainly because were at the rent property and he had taken OW there. Kept my mouth shut, better to be quiet than say something I regret.

Later after WAH, kept pushing and asking, I lightly mentioned my anger issues and left it.

Today, I found out on line that the divorce WAH filed last October is up for possible dismissal due to lact of action.
I know that this information is being sent to WAH and his attorney, will make for an interesting week on WAH's attitude.

Will need to make a bigger effort to prove that I have changed, that he can be a better person and we can be "that" team together
Maybe when the divorce is droped, I might feel comfortable to move over to piecing. Not until then, plus he still has the family apt. Ugh!

Thanks for listening.

Mary - how are you? the kids?

[wbfnm]

Hi MariS,
Haven't posted to you before.
I think you did a great job seeing DH and OW!!! Not sure how I would have survived. I saw you had a two year old. Mine just turned three and is a boy.

The answer to your MLC stages request... It is in the second post of the MLC forum called 'MLC all resources in one thread'.
You can find the stages there and the timeline, and reconnection and much more. Yesterday there was an interesting thread from a few years ago. I'll see if I can bump it. It's not in the resources list.
Well go steady and work on you!!!

[maryfromaustin]

hi MariS,

I know this is gonna sound crazy but believe me......the more you focus on your feelings, your near future, your child, and YOU YOU YOU the easier things will seem.

it took me a long time to figure that out. i kept worrying about where my H was and what he was doing and why he wasn't calling, etc etc. i finally clicked. i said to myself "stop worrying, God will lead the way". believe me when i say that things do get better each and every day. your H is a bit different than mine. yours has somewhat of another person. til this day i haven't found out if mine has one or had one. DON'T WANT TO KNOW EITHER. why kill myself over something that means nothing for the time being, right? as the old saying goes "if i haven't seen him with another woman then it's not true".

anyway, prayer has helped tremendously. constant praying. thanking God for each and every morning. i have my health. i have a home. i have food for me and the kids. i couldnt ask for more. (except maybe a couple more hundred dollars each month so that i wouldn't stress about bills) but that's totally my fault. i should be working much more and relaxing less. since all my kiddos are in school now i seem to feel "free". i work from home so i have some time to myself. and that's where i slack. i need to focus more on work that way i won't be stressing out so much about finances. even though my h is home, i still want to be financially independent.

take my word for it. the more you focus on YOU and your work, the less you'll worry about your problems. i will pray for your well being...........


take care.

[Mamabear]

Hi MariS,
Remember me? Mamabear.
I agree with MaryfromAustin. The reason that I haven't been here in over a year is because I have taken the focus off of my H and put it on me. I got a job and give 110% to it. Between taking care of the house, pets, bills, kids and my job I really have no time to focus on what my H is or isn't doing. At the same time I think the stress and pressure has been released from him and he has returned to his old self (about 98%). Will I ever trust him again? Not completely, but I'm ok with that because I am confident in myself. While I love him with all of my heart I know that if he left me I would be ok, 2 years ok I did not feel that way. I felt hopeless and lost but this sitch has changed me. This board has changed me. I no longer feel helpless, I know that I can do anything that I set my mind out to do. We are all fighters, not victims. Remember that people!

[MariS]

Mary, Mamabear & Babybliss

Thank you for your kind/wise words & encourgement. I have been doing my best to focus on me & not WAH-MLCer & have not posted here in awhile. Now I am in need of help from the bb.

Journaling........(sorry for length)


WAH-MLCer started same arguement again this morning.
(seems to hit this trend when he is sexually frustrated w/me)

He doesn't love me, isn't happy, said he would stay for the 16yrs for child, now doesn't think he can. We gave it a try for the past year & "nothing" is better. We are not sexual compatible, I have nothing stimulating to offer, no friends with places to go & things to do. If he was going to stay in the M, then he was going to have a GF on the side. We need to sit down & have a non-emotional discussion about us & what we each want. All of his friends can see that he is unhappy & miserable. We need to go ahead & proceed w/the D. I would be happier w/someone else, some CPA type person and that I could hang out at the house with & plant flowers.

(you get the picture-typical alien spew)

My reply was we have NOT been working on us for the past year. He was still sleeping w/OW until recently & he had not committed 100% to working on us since he was still in communication w/OW and he had not completely moved out of "his place." The fact that he still had other place indicates he has one foot in the door and one out.

I asked which friends & he gave me a list of names. My next question was if "these" friends were also aware of ALL the OTHER issues that he was dealing with, or was he telling them that is was just all me? Silence...

Also, OW should stop calling me at the office & hanging up. She is more than welcome to have a conversation w/me I am NOT afraid of her. In fact, I suggested lets get the 1st OW from the 1st A to even join us and we can have a "nice dinner party" just the four of us. No response...

I reiterated that I did let him go, & no, its not about "wining" him, I loved him & our family. The reason he was happy w/OW during seperation was that she wasn't working & had time to devote all to him. (not juggling two jobs, starting a business, raising a child or salvaging a marriage/family)

AND no, sex is not just sex, it is about an emotional and mental connection that includes physical interaction. His reply was I needed to watch more porn.

I am SO angry & emotionally distraught over his inmaturity that its making it hard for me to keep fighting for our family, but I know I need to(those few gems are rare,but great when I get them)

Figure OW is pressuring WAH-MLCer, I know the bulk of his guy friends already moved on and grew up and he now has no one to "play with." Then of course, I gather his attorney is also contacting him due to the courts wanting to dismiss due to lack of prosecution. I asked why the courts supposedly had no known address for me & he just smirked/laughed.

Then he dug in on why did I have his second credit card and all the snooping I had done, etc. He doesn't go through my stuff, doesn't care, I can go have an A, why do I care about him?

Well, he had given me that second card when he was drunk, so I kept it & the snooping only started 2yrs ago when the IRS showed up at house looking for us and then the constables started showing up for WAH-MLCer.

I then asked that he remove the "keylogger" program he installed on our home computer, which he denied.

Time for him to GROW up, but we can't make the MLCers see it. Sure, I would like to be out living life, but I don't have a bank account to role that life style like he does, or did.

Downside, he admitted that having our child was a mistake. I know the child his/herself is not a mistake, but the two of us having a child was. But whats done is done & we must go forward.

When WAH-MLCer suggested starting a family years ago, I was shocked, but thought okay, lets, it will be hard, different & difficult, but if WAH-MLCer thinks we can do it, then I know we can.

Little did I realize, until now that WAH-MLCer wasn't truly ready & that he was already in MLC.

Our child will NEVER know that we made an error in judgment to begin a family(and I say "we" because it takes two).I will do WHATEVER it takes to protect child from this knowledge.

Unlike WAH-MLCer, I have always known what it means to grown & take on the responsibilty of being a parent, as well as the hardship. He has just chosen to balk every step of the way of growing up.

WAH-MLcer's lack of patience and resentfullness of having to be a parent when it comes to the "hard parts" is apparent when he is around child and his actions w/child. I do my best to minimize these situations, mainly because it is not fair to child to be exposed to WAH-MLCer antics, child doesn't comprehend.

Plus, w/WAH-MLCer still being an alcholic, I am ever mindfull of child.

WAH-MLCer is also now trying to control who in our family we see & spend time with. His Mother is "not allowed" so sit for us and his brother is "not allowed" to be around child. All of this is because of HIS issues w/them. I keep in-laws in the loop w/child & I when I can. MIL is completely understanding, loves & supports child & I.

Now I must try to dry my eyes here at work & but on the happy face of As If. Continue to GAL and 180. I have a GF function tonight & WAH-MLCer seems jealous & put out that he will have to stay home on a Friday night to watch child. Keeps commenting that his weekends are his. (he was out hunting all last wknd)

Thoughts?

Words of encouragement or advise?

[Grace_O]

Also, OW should stop calling me at the office & hanging up. She is more than welcome to have a conversation w/me I am NOT afraid of her. In fact, I suggested lets get the 1st OW from the 1st A to even join us and we can have a "nice dinner party" just the four of us. No response...

LOL. sorry, but this is truly funny.

My reply was we have NOT been working on us for the past year. He was still sleeping w/OW until recently & he had not committed 100% to working on us since he was still in communication w/OW and he had not completely moved out of "his place." The fact that he still had other place indicates he has one foot in the door and one out.

Sadly, you're right. He hasn't bee workin on anything if this is what he's been doing. What is he waiting for? His being "happy" is not going to fall from the sky. This requires action on our part. You have so much on your plate and yet you keep going. You should take pride in that. I ran a business with kids and all. This takes an incredible about of strength and you have high tensile steel in you. I can hear it.

You commented that he is an alcoholic. Is he in any support or C (rehab) type situation? How bad is it? Does he have issues with his Mom and brother behind their not enabling him? I'm glad you're keeping them in the loop with you.

As far as his controlling who you see...I think that's BS. If they are not a danger, he just doesn't have to be there. Sounds like he's quite good at doing his own thing anyway.

The weekends are his?? That's nice. Given his drinking problem, if you have plans I would consider getting a babysitter or have your MIL watch the little one. What's he going to do D you? Seems to me that's already on the table anyway. You don't have to be angry or confrontational though. My comment about his divorcing you is one I use on myself when my H does something I think is wierd or out there. It's a reality check for me.


I think you're doing better than you think. You comments to him were direct and to the point. Unless you were flaming mad when you said them (which would be totally understandable), I am hopeful some of it sank in just a tiny way.

Enjoy you night out tonight. You so deserve it.