Believe it or not, I read all of what you wrote in reply to me and I think I know what you are saying, and something about how you feel. here's the most important thing that I think you wrote:
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We have talked about our R and we both think we have fallen into this area of feeling "comfortable" and just lazy about working at it anymore. However, that is what led to my lonliness and that led me to the OM. So, it is not a good place to be.
So, you recognize that the way you are, is not a good way to be. And you also recognize that you have the "force of habit" working against you. 22 years, is a LOT of habit.
I read what you wrote about "when you were young", and you "tried that".
here's the thing: have you read DB? I think this is the time to focus on one thing in there, which is to start on things "with a beginner's mind". Dont try to hash out all the things that you did or did not do in the past. Try to look at your situation, NOW, as a brand new situation.
No history.
The first step in being happily intimate in a sexual way, is to be happily intimate, in a non-sexual way. And the simplest thing is for you to hold each other.
Instead of making excuses to not even try... How about you just decide to try it, and see what happens? Forget about the past. Focus on the present, and future. Ask your husband to hold you. Dont even go into long, detailed "this may lead to sex" rationales. Just say that you feel the need for [comfort, being held, whatever honest reason you like].
Just ask him. And keep doing it for a while. Every night for a week, perhaps?
If he says yes, and you allow yourself to be comfortable with that.. keep doing it! If it doesnt... then we can all help you think of other things.
but lets start with the easy, straightforward things first, yes? !!
I think that part of the issue you are dealing with in yourself, is "performance anxiety". You are so hung up on, "I HAVE to do this..." that are you too stressed to enjoy it, or get excited about it. Lots of people psych themselves out of enjoying sex this way. So forget about any "big goals" for now. And just enjoy being held.
I can tell from what you write about him, that your husband will be more than willing to hold you, if you tell him that is what you need from him.
And if you'd like to do something back for him.. the biggest, best thing you can do in return.... is to simply smile at him while he holds you.
I think that's what your husband would most like from you right now.
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I am too old to start over....too set in my ways, probably.
"Grandma moses".. a famous, and well respected american painter... STARTED painting, at 80.
You not to old to start anything.. and even excel at it! The only thing stopping you from being happy.. is your own stubbornness :P
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Sandi, I posted a detailed message only to get kicked off when i submitted it, lost in cyber space, so here's a slightly abbreviated version. I pay child support, one that she asked for that was fair. My S lives with me for one week, then with his mom for one week.
I also have a 20 year old S from a previous short lived marriage (she was pregnant and I married her, ooops!) so I know what you mean by stepping back and letting them find out their mistakes on their own. I will do the same with my W.
I truly believe that although there is no etopia when it comes to marriage, I know that there is a woman out there who will think my W must have lost her marbles to let me go, that is not egotistical, it's the truth. Maybe my W will discover she didn't try hard enough to salvage our R. You have said before that men sometimes either don't listen well enough, or they don't comprehend what their W is telling them, I'm guilty as charged of that for sure. Having said that, it doesn't diminish how I feel about her, because I would do anything for her.
You mentioned you would have walked away from your H if you could have made it financially. Are you talking about when you were 1st married or in the last # of years? Because my W only worked 15 hours a week, took 1/2 the proceeds from me refinancing my house and 1/2 our assets and the child support and she is doing very well, and still only working 20 hours a week. A nice gig if you can get it! IMO....I'm sure you could have managed with the same, so it must be something a little deeper than just finances?
I will continue to return to this site and listen, read, understand, and keep working at it. Thanks, we are here for you too.
"We're here for a good time, not a long time" ________________________________________
M:48 W: 43 S;20, S;10 Married: 14 Years / Together 17 Years Bomb Dropped: 2/4/07 Separated: 6/29/07 D to be filed by my W soon.
Oh, thanks I needed that. Seriously! Yes, I will try. But, I will not deny that it will be very hard because today is one of those days that I feel very resentful and don't want to even think about him touching me. Sad, isn't it? That is when I start wondering if I really love him the way a wife should love her H. Oh, I'm just rambling......just got home from work and tired and just not feeling all that high on life right now. Guess I shouldn't write when I'm so down, but I wanted to respond to your post. You guys are the best. I know I almost beg you to talk to me, but I seriously need it to keep me going.
I am still ordering books and reading and listening to tapes, etc. So, I've not given up even if I paint a dark picture sometimes. Think Grandma Moses ever did that?
I have thought about what you suggested ......the starting brand new frame of mind. I want to do that, but I'm not sure I know how or will have what it takes. God, I just want to get excited about it......just a little bit! It would break my heart to think I am going to feel like this for the rest of my life.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, you have to wake yourself up soon and stop using all your passion to lament the things you think you do not have.
There is no way your husband is going to understand the extent of your emotions (or lack thereof) if you don't walk yourself into the other room and tell him. Tell him you love him and you want your marriage to succeed but for it to do so he has to pull his head outta the idiot-box (that's what my Papa calls the TV)and HELP YOU. My old friend crazedmom had the exact same problem before she left this board. Her husband was like a bump on a log! Woman, you HAVE PASSION. It is splattered throughtout every single one of your posts.
I want you to make a plan. I don't care if it's to go feed pigeons or to go skinny-dipping in Mr. Johnson's pond, just MAKE ONE. Don't ASK your husband if he wants to go. Tell him "Honey, next Saturday I have planned for us to __________________ . We will be leaving at ____ am/pm. Please be ready. I am very much looking forward to this" (don't worry about throwing in that guilt card at then end, either. Sometimes it's a good thing!)
One more thing... and this is gonna make your teeth fall out when you read it (dentures or NOT!)....do you have a full length mirror? If you don't, I think you can get one at Walmart for about $5 this time of the year.
Do your hair up however you do it. Get out your prettiest nightie (if you haven't bought one in years, get out the best one you have - NO EXCUSES). Look at yourself in the mirror. Pose yourself as if you were 15 again. Pucker up and kiss the mirror with bright red lipstick on, woman! You see where I'm going with this? Find your inner VAMP. Find your beauty. Find your sexuality. Shut the freakin door while Homie is watching Jeopardy or whatever - spend some time with yourself. Let yourself feel pretty. Let yourself feel sexy. I'm thinking if you get yourself kicked into gear, Homie's gonna start looking a little more appealing and you can get over this god-forsaken hump you're stuck on. Don't tell me you're fat either or any other nonsense. I'm not going to accept that. Some of the sexiest women in the world have more cushin' for the pushin' if you know what I'm sayin' .
Things don't have to remain this way, Sandi. But the ball is in your court to change the status quo.
So get out there and bounce! (no pun intended)
And hey, if you're worried about God, let me remind you, it's all legal because this man is your husband. Now work it, girl!
You are right about your W loosing her marbles! You have seen your mistakes and now know what to do if you get another chance with her......and if not, you know what not to do with another lady....given the chance. Either way, you will be a better man and husband for some lucky woman.
I probably shouldn't tell this, but I will. It is to show that others see things that we wish our mates would see....and some DO before it is all too late. Anyway, a statement made by the OM in my life was that he could not believe any man (especially my H) would let me slip through his fingers! Now, let me tell you....that was medicine for this ole gal who needed to hear she was still sexy and pretty....and special. So, it is things like that that we hear, either from our spouse or from OP, that will make us feel like we are beautiful and important.
I remember the first time my new (female) boss saw my H and made the comment that now she saw why I went home ever night! So, for a minute I tried to look at my H through her eyes! I first thought, "Are you looking at MY husband?" I was actually surprised that she found him attractive! So, it goes both ways.....I am not blameless here. I need to see him through "new" eyes also.
I got so tickled when I read AmyC's post! Oh, but it was so good for me! Gee, I needed that! But, you know what? She is right....I do have what it takes....and what's more important...I know I do! So, (darn it) it DOES put the ball in my court and I am going to have to get off my duff and make a move!
By the way, how does she know I have "cushion"? lol.......Oh, but it is in all the right places, Amy!.........oh, lordy, I've got to stop before I get into trouble here.
Where was I? Oh, yes, ......about you! (I had a very good nap this evening and must have woke up in a much better mood from since I first came home from work.) But serious,....at least I will try to be here for a minute.....you were asking about my financial reasons and not walking away, etc. You see, I had no child support nor any proceeds from anything. The amount that is left from all my insurance withholdings, etc, from my check every month was not enough to live on. Believe me, I figured rent, untilities, food, gas, etc., etc.,.......and it all added up to more than what I brought home...and I was not allowing anything for clothes, medicine, or anything extra like that. So all I can say is that your W has it made, whether she realizes it or not, and is lucky in that department. I wonder though, if she did not have the child support or the proceeds to fall back on, just how long she could make it. I have a feeling that that was quite a nice little "pot" for her to dip into whenever she needed it. Anyway......enough about that.
I want you to keep your self-esteem healthy. Just because you don't want to date another woman right now doesn't mean anything needs "fixing" and it sounds like you are thinking wisely. You DO WANT a relationship with your W....that is understandable.....and you have certainly not given up at this point. However, I think you are thinking right to know that you are turning out to be a better person....in spite of all the pain you've been through. You are young and if you can't have your W.....then some other woman will be lucky to get you. However, as I've said before....just be sure you are over your wife, sweetie, because it won't work with anybody else....until you get over her.
Take care and let me hear from you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, Too true that I need to be over my W before I can move on with someone else.
You said: "You are right about your W loosing her marbles! You have seen your mistakes and now know what to do if you get another chance with her..........and if not, you know what not to do with another lady....given the chance. Either way, you will be a better man and husband for some lucky woman."
After a great deal of thought and the more I DB, the more I think that every human on the planet can make improvements to the way they lead their life, the way they interact, the way they treat their fellow man, to be more giving, nicer, more polite.
I was a great husband and father, maybe just not a good fit for my W? My W comes from a divorced family, her dad cheated on her mother for years until they D. Her mother to this day hates men, if a couple are fighting, it's always the guys fault in her eyes. My W and her mother are very close, and I think that has rubbed off on her big time.
I love my W, but I'm starting to realize that no matter what I do, it may not be enough? Perfection is not attainable, I wouldn't want to be perfect anyway, I like being human, with good values and morals, maybe a little rough around the edges at times, but still kind and considerate. We all strive to be good people, at least the ones on this site. Maybe it's the WAS that need to take a good long look in the mirror and see they are not perfect either, maybe they could try a little harder. And if they don't want to, perhaps we are better off w/o them? It hurts our families, but then, the WAS knew that before pulling the plug on their M.
How's that Sandi, does that sound sour enough for you?
My S said my W wants to have family night on Friday night, I'm not sure if that came from his mom or him?
Have a great day, tell me I'm just pissed off, and I need to concentrate at the task at hand, and put this puzzle back together again!
"We're here for a good time, not a long time" ________________________________________
M:48 W: 43 S;20, S;10 Married: 14 Years / Together 17 Years Bomb Dropped: 2/4/07 Separated: 6/29/07 D to be filed by my W soon.
Maybe it's the WAS that need to take a good long look in the mirror and see they are not perfect either, maybe they could try a little harder.
If you don't mind me saying...there is no "maybe" to it. A WAW is too overall wrapped up in herself to do this though. It's all about THEM and what THEY want. It's all pretty much justified in her mind, too. Bet your behind on that part.
A MLC/WAW is even further demented in her thinking because while she KNOWS she isn't doing right, she can't get her heart and feet inline with that one sane voice that's left in her head.
You have to look out for YOU. That is the bottom line. MLC/WAW, or just WAW, crazy goes nowhere but downhill fast and she'll take everyone with her that hangs on long enough. Do note that while I said "crazy", I am well aware of how sane a WAS can appear... but I still say a good many of them 'ain't' right in the head .
and I think I know what you are saying, and something about how you feel.
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