Thanks for the fathers day greet. Had a better day than I imagined I would (fancy that). Still, it could have been heaps better.
Took the kids (3 youngest, eldest is more independent now) out till mid afternoon and had the option of going to in laws for afternoon tea with w's extended family. Knowing w would have om round I advised MIL & FIL 'thanks for the invite but I know you'll understand why I wont be there', MIL said I can hang around the others and he keeps a low profile. Made me think 'yeah pretty low indeed'. So got back to family home and w was out for a ride with om, said I my good byes to the kids and left.
Went to the local spiritual church after leaving family home and did a meeting later that evening. I made sure I did a few more meetings that week just in case.
All in all not a bad fathers day. It is funny how our thoughts can dream up all sorts of nightmare scenarios for us isn't it.
Thanks BA - I thought I drove you off b/c of my poor words.
The kids and I had a great weekend. We did get to swim and we played new games. Priceless.
Former W came to get them today. I had them all week b/c she was on travel.
She emailed me Friday and asked was it ok to get them Saturday "for a few hours" so she can get them haircuts. Now...I can get them haircuts; I knew better. So I said - why not get them Monday for lunch and keep them for the rest of the weekend. She wrote back "can I get them later in the week also (on my time) to make up for my travel" ???
The court order does not allow "make up time" and my schedule is 40%. So I wrote back saying I offered for her keep the kids Monday b/c I was "trying to be flexible, not for make up time - apparently I failed". She responded with an apology and said "sorry I worded it that way - I just miss the kids".
She came to pick them up today. Could not keep eye contact, could not wait to leave - although we all were glad to see her and I was very upbeat.
She is hurting. And I got to thinking.
A lot of water under the bridge here this past week. Much to think about.
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I was wrong. I am stuck in anger and resentment. Not good. With some good inputs I post the following:
I haven't been letting go of former W . I am letting go now. I'm sorry she is gone. It's nobody’s fault; it's just the way it is. I accept it; I cannot move forward until I do.
I have accepted my role in this. I am working on changing me and the things in my control. She didn't expect me to change, and even though I have she refuses to see or thinks it “too little, too late” to trust that I will stay changed. I will, and I will demonstrate that, but for me.
fW will continue down her own path to find her own identity, and it's not anything I can change. It has nothing to do with me; it's about her and her happiness. She may still care for me but she wasn't happy in our life and thinks that leaving is the only way she will be happy. It is a decision she must make at this point in her life. I can now put the negative thoughts about this out of my mind where they do not belong.
I am tired of the hurt; I still care but I must no longer be affected by her actions or words.
I will forgive her and forgive myself.
I know that I will continue to experience strong emotional swings but I will embrace them for growth. I will let my emotions run their course and accept what they are telling me. They are part of the healing process. Anger is a teacher – resentment is not.
I will support her unconditionally the best I can given the boundaries I set for myself.
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Some of this I posted before. But as I said on another thread - time to walk the talk.
To those who tried to help with honest posts - I am sorry. I will try to do better in the future.
Absolutely, you did not run me off, nor could you, unless you at some point make it clear that's what you want...
I am more impressed than I can say with what you posted, with your continuing growth. You know, in the end, that's all any of us can do...continue to strive to get through that very narrow door.
You will make it. I believe that about you. besos, BA
I am more impressed than I can say with what you posted, with your continuing growth. You know, in the end, that's all any of us can do...continue to strive to get through that very narrow door.
I read all the books, tried to follow advice here, and tried my best, doing the things I thought were "correct".
It did no good. Nothing did. I disagree that she showed any signs of reaching out. You had to be there. If she tried to be nice it was manipulative to get her way. All she has done for the past 19 months is to move on without me and put me down.
...and Jeff...I understand this comment. I know. Sometimes...people really CAN'T know what' going on, and, our words are all that they can go on. Sometimes in haste we leave small details out...sometimes...we put too much in.
No one knows unless you can walk in a person's shoes.
After all this time, look at how much activity your thread has generated. I still learn and, like you, I hope I haven't scared off lissie and BBA. I've always wanted to be a pool boy.
Your last post is the best yet. Stay strong Jeff. We all know that you didn't 'fail'. You...we..made mistakes. We learn. We try to grow.
BTW.....at least you didn't cut up a credit card in front of your W. Don't feel so bad.
Frank
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
After all this time, look at how much activity your thread has generated. I still learn and, like you, I hope I haven't scared off lissie and BBA. I've always wanted to be a pool boy.
(sigh) he pulled at my heart strings with the pool boy commnent.
It is so hard to detach from you guys
Jeff the fact that you wrote I will try to do better. (sigh)
shows how much you have grown, and continue growing.
You have taught me and others so much.
smoooches, lovey.
Live Simply Love Generously Care Deeply Speak Kindly Leave the rest to God
Thanks FIB. Just like on this thread, everyone is only trying to help. They respond to what we write. What we write depends on our attitude and PMA, or lack of. Sometimes we come across wrong. I have never met anyone here who has intentionally tried to hurt me, nor do I see that on your thread. For you - you need a break from advice until you weather the storm. Thanks for posting your support despite your problems.
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Thanks for stopping by ladies. Mojitos come in different flavors? Shows how uninformed I am here so I looked it up. Rum drinks are always sweet for my taste but I will try almost anything once. My drink of choice is Tenn Whisky with a bit of spring water over ice. Dry, not sweet.
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I took my mom to the doctor today and she told me former W called her! I wonder why? My mom gave up on her after she got out of the hospital last March. Found out my former MIL is not doing too well - fW did not tell me that when I asked, but fW just got back from a visit. The rest was small talk - but I am suprised fW called.
Mom is doing well. Routine check by the lung doc (she was very sick with pneumonia early this year). The CAT scan showed clear lungs but found some questionable areas on her esophagus. So off we go to another doc. Mom is fed up with doctors (no offense FIB). At 90-years young she just wants to be left alone - not probed. I bet this is nothing - these CAT scans are so good sometimes they indicate things that are not there. Plus she has had many scans this year - all were normal in that area.
Thanks all for sticking with me. Almost time for a new thread. A happy thread me thinks
Jeff...I'm sick of doctors too. As a group, we suck at sticking together. No lobbying ability. One doc will tell you to 'don't sign that contract' and then, THEY'LL sign it behind your back.
As for mom, I think I'd leave her alone. What will you do with the results? Endoscopy? Biopsy? JMO. But..on the flipside, she weathered the other storm. Is she stronger? Has she gotten her stamina back?
As for me, despite the hailstorm, you wouldn't believe that I am chugging along. My focus is on the kids and finances. Frank
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
