Fired b/c of an Affair? Redeemed Career Possible?

[Mamabear]

Hi All,
Yep, $ is a big sore spot. We are literally buried in debt which has put a huge strain on our relationship. Last night H told me he is not sure about us. Since I left this board about a year ago we were back to normal and everything was great then I get another bomb out of nowhere

He says we are best friends but he wants more. What more could you want than to be married to your best friend I asked and he couldn't respond. I am once again at a loss. Any suggestions?

Again, sorry for the hijack.

[Aud31]

What more could you want than to be married to your best friend I asked and he couldn't respond.

Do you have any ideas where he's coming from on this one Mama?

A few years ago, I worked with a manufacturing consultant who observed that the changes we were trying to make in our system were "like trying to work on an engine while it's running". That's so true for us in our marriages too. We don't get to just freeze-frame and take care of a problem while everything else waits in the background. I know life is crazy. I know it's hard.

Mama, do you remember all the great things about you that have nothing to do with your H or his support/lack thereof? What can you hang on to?

[cat03]

hmmm, wonder if the MLC is still there, or he feels so pressured by the financial problems that he hasn't given space in his heart to love. My C put it in a way I could understand when I told him how my H had no feelings for me but he could feel compassion for the op's pain "right now, you represent reality (responsabilities, home, bills, etc) and he's having a hard time coming back to that realm.

This are just some ideas which could be way off base. Maybe he's fooling himself by looking for that "chemistry" that occurs when Rs are fresh and there are no kids/home/bills, etc.

Yet again you must live one day at a time mama, that's how I cope with my sitch now.

Aud, you sweety, you have been such an example to me, and I have copied many of your posts to keep my sanity many times

[BeingMe]

Not sure if anyone else has already advised this, but has your H considered volunteering in a comparable position to the one he had? That way, he can prove his worth, maybe make himself feel better by helping others, and get to meet people who can give him a reference without knowing about the affair.

Just a thought!

[Mamabear]

hmmm, wonder if the MLC is still there, or he feels so pressured by the financial problems that he hasn't given space in his heart to love. My C put it in a way I could understand when I told him how my H had no feelings for me but he could feel compassion for the op's pain "right now, you represent reality (responsabilities, home, bills, etc) and he's having a hard time coming back to that realm.

When you put it that way I guess I do represent reality (and our reality sucks right now). He says he feels like he has a lot of underlying rage; like he is ready to explode. That really worries me too. Therapy is out of the question, he just won't go. I got rid of all of my relationship books, even DB. :(, any ideas on what I can do.

[cat03]

just head on the radio (or tv) how people who internalize their hurts and keep it under wraps are ticking time bombs, that they've been avoiding confrontation for so long that all these feelings are building up.
Does your H have time to unwind alone? I try to give my H time, we pay sitter per week so there is a day he is off that my dd still goes to sitter to my H can do something on his own without kids around.

Have you tried consolidating your debts? not the best solution but one we've used 2x already was to get one of those ccs that have 0% for a year and gives us more time to pay 4 our debt without paying finance charges.

If he isn't ready to see a T nor C there is no reason why you can't keep on reading good positive books--eing of sound mind will help you stay afloat. The book "the wounded woman" is a beutiful christian book that is helping me lots now.
Tell him to be honest w/me even if he thinks what he'll say will hurt you, that you rather know that have him humor you. Men have such a hard time talking about what's bothering them mostly because they think we'll used their words as weapons later or we wont' forget what they say if we dont' like it. Though true :P you must be able to listen without condenmation, even your body language can betray you without saying a word.

[Mamabear]

I think I might look into relationship building skills. Granted the last 3 days we have been together and things are normal. It is almost like he wishes he never said what he said. Sometimes things are said in the heat of the moment. In any case, if he is internalizing his unhappiness it will eventually become to much and he will blow, this I am sure of.

Marriage is hard work and you can only get out of it what you put in. With daily routines things can become boring. If I were to take myself out of the picture and objectively look in I would see that we need a little spark thrown in to get those flames burning again. I need to change things up a little. I am going to have to become very creative since whatever I come up with cannot cost $.

Any ideas?

BI, I really need to start my own thread. I have been off this board for so long that I forgot how. Pardon my huge hijack, I do not mean to make light of your sitch in any way. Hugs, Mama

[cat03]

that BI took a vacation, hope she is doing well, haven't seen her in a while.
You choose "new post" on the top of the list of threads.

Are you guys still locking the door and have you taught children that after 10pm they need to stay in bed? that's when you guys can have time alone for a late adult dinner , movie or something else I used to escalate our movie nights into something else by cuddleing up to my H and then let my hands wander, would wear sexy undies and let my robe open while I was against him. Let him know in those ways that you want him.

[believing_isaiah43]

ya'll use my thread however you like, it's nice to have you here!

i'm hoping to post a bit in the next day or so, working on a difficult post for the blog - not a bad subject or anything, just difficult to articulate what I'm trying to say - hope it will be up tomorrow sometime.

H sent his resume to Theo (from infidelity boards, really super of him to step in during his own mess), but I don't think H has been online in many days, he's been doing some construction work with a friend last/this week, and in a generally unhappy mood (until today) about his 'failed' life. I prefer to see it as 'stalled' which means it is capable of moving forward, and will when the time is right.

things are okay here with me, my kids are amazing. I SO want to be them when I grow up! they are miles ahead of me already; the confidence and radiance of a soul that knows it is loved and respected from the get-go is a sweet gift to see.

[believing_isaiah43]

PS: beach is always a good place to be, and the weather was perfect, but the vacation all but sucked out loud. the most tension-filled UNvacation on record. bleh.

but that was then and this is now.