Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
I am still climbing the mountain but the progress is slow - hacking though some dense undergrowth. But I will get there.
Yes, I hurt and I am stuck. But the realization that it is OKAY to allow myself to hurt and allow myself to lick my wounds is so uplifting. It is okay to accept that I got screwed big time and it is okay to be pissed. And it is okay to accept it and let it go.
I can't change anything I cannot change.
I don't feel depressed - just retreating to the safety of my cave.
For now. I will come out someday - but for now this is okay.
Medication? No I am not on any. I know this is wrong but I have it stuck in my head that meds are changing one problem for another. I know that is not true since I read many good things about meds here.
IC? Yes, been there. Trouble is there is little he can do other than listen. I am really not depressed in the clinical sense and I am functioning quite well actually. I know what the problem is - and how to fix it. Doing it is the problem.
I am just stuck in the underbrush. But my knife is sharp and my compass true and I am determined to hack through it.
My current stitch: My lawyer is working the final papers. We should sign next month. I will buy her out and I will get my house back. She will have 60 days to get out. I was uncertain if this were best but now I am. I am so looking forward to it. I will keep my apartment for about four months while I fix up my house the way I want it, fill it for new memories. I will figure out how to pay for all this later.
Yea Paul. Annie is just pulling our leg. Imagine some beautiful, independent, intelligent, sexy, head-strong 40-something woman, all alone, on a big farm with fences needing fixing so the horses and dogs don't roam off, divorced, maybe a bit lonely and horn..... Na, Shangri-La does not exist.
-------- Been a real good week for me. Been very productive at work and got oooo so many compliments - both business related and personal. A few from some ladies
I also been out and about (even though the South is still above 100 deg almost each day) and my interactions with others have been so positive.
But hell, I deserve this. I have been positive and got equal in return.
Power slept last night but I was pulled from my sleep at 1:15 by a line of thunderstorms. Did we need the rain! I listened to it for an hour - lighting, thunder and the downpour. It was so primal - one of those things in life that reminds you of a higher power; a power unchanged since time began.
Reminded me of how insignificant my problems are.
I know it is difficult to put together, but my journey contains a mountain to climb and a river to run at the same time. May not be possible in real life but so what. It works for me. There must be a river running uphill somewhere - I know, since I am on it.
Some days I run the rapids - others I chop through the brush while carrying the boat.
I had some rough water lately and some stiff underbrush to work through but I am in a good place this week. A restful stop with a decent view. Hope it continues.
I still find these boards of comfort but the message I came here for I never found. The title is Divorce Busting - that I did not find. But I have found so many wonderful people here, people trying so hard to do the right things in life, no quitters in sight.
That has lifted me up these past 19 months (15 on the BB). I wish I could communicate with more folks - newcomers is full I see.
But I may post a bit less as I refocus on GAL and getting the divorce done. I send my markup of my papers to my lawyer Monday - should be quick after that.
That is my Christmas present to myself - a new life, new people and perhaps new love in my life. A new man, and a strong father and role model for my kids.
Shangri-La does exist: we cannot find it - it is up to us to build it.
Who is this guy that made this post? certainly not the Jeff that has no GAL and doesn't mingle in reality of people! jeesh Jeff, I've been telling you for HOW LONG to get out? Guess it took meaner words than I found to say, but at least it got the task done.
Before you quit posting all together, I'd like more of your opinion please. You tell me that my H will not change, I take that to mean he will always be how he is now. That confuses me. He changed from the guy I married to the guy he is now, so can't he change again? Have you changed Jeff? aren't you a better man/H/dad than one or two or three years ago? And, what about all the 'changes' of all the people on these forums of this BB? are they real changes? or is the cake the same with a different frosting?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Been a real good week for me. Been very productive at work and got oooo so many compliments - both business related and personal. A few from some ladies
You must be exuding a positive attitude. You get what you give and I'm happy you're finally getting out.
Quote:
I still find these boards of comfort but the message I came here for I never found. The title is Divorce Busting - that I did not find. But I have found so many wonderful people here, people trying so hard to do the right things in life, no quitters in sight. That has lifted me up these past 19 months (15 on the BB).
Couldn't agree with you more.
Quote:
That is my Christmas present to myself - a new life, new people and perhaps new love in my life. A new man, and a strong father and role model for my kids.
What a great Christmas present it is!
Me: 49 - S22 & S26 H: 41 - No kids M: 10/00 Bomb New Year's Day 2006 H living w OW 01/07; have baby 12/07 D final 07/07 Thread #9 - Hope Lives On
Yea Paul. Annie is just pulling our leg. Imagine some beautiful, independent, intelligent, sexy, head-strong 40-something woman, all alone, on a big farm with fences needing fixing so the horses and dogs don't roam off, divorced, maybe a bit lonely and horn..... Na, Shangri-La does not exist.
(sigh)is that sassy Jeff?
yup, sweet like ice cream
Live Simply Love Generously Care Deeply Speak Kindly Leave the rest to God
Before you quit posting all together, I'd like more of your opinion please. You tell me that my H will not change, I take that to mean he will always be how he is now. That confuses me. He changed from the guy I married to the guy he is now, so can't he change again? Have you changed Jeff? aren't you a better man/H/dad than one or two or three years ago? And, what about all the 'changes' of all the people on these forums of this BB? are they real changes? or is the cake the same with a different frosting?
I do not think I will quit posting any time soon. Just less. I cut and pasted my response on your thread as well.
First, did H really change since you married or did your viewpoint change? Things we overlook during the early days now become apparent. Early we see only positives. Later we see other things, things that were always there but that we turned a blind eye to. I could also say my former W changed, but she really is the same as when I married her. Her focus is just different and the negatives I overlooked that are now directing her are very apparent to me.
People can change - if you read Christian history you see Saul of Tarsus change into Paul on the road to Damascus.
But I perfer this quote: "People don't change their minds, they change the direction they are going."
I don't think people fundamentally change, they just adjust as they learn. Unfortunately most (and I do mean most) never learn. They see no problems within - all their misfortune is without, in others or the environment. Their world will be better when the outside environment changes. Of course no one can control their outside so they remain stuck. These folks never change direction - they see no need to.
Does this apply to your H? Honestly (and I mean honestly) I don't know. I do know it did apply to me and if I may be so bold - it applied to many here on this BB before they came here.
You see, I got the bomb. The bomb was a suprise. I did not see it coming. I did not realize she was building it. I did not realize that I was assisting her build it.
Dah! How could I have been so stupid?
Easy. And I saw no reason to change my direction before the explosion.
That was the kick in the butt I needed to change my direction. I am the same guy - I even retook the personality test - yep, still the same. I continue to do the same stupid things. But the big difference is that I am AWARE. So now I try to think before I act or speak. Even one blunder avoided means one less hurt dished out to another. I make an effort to be more compassionate. I make an effort to spend more focus on my kids.
I also learned recently that you don't have to replace behavior "A" with "B". That is difficult b/c we are then trying to change our personalities. If "A" is bad then all you need to do is to STOP DOING IT. Ceasing to be a jerk does not require learning a new behavior. Behavior "B" will develop in time once "A" is purged.
I am aware and I choose to make the effort. If you are not aware then you will not make the effort.
Yes, same cake, different frosting. But the frosting is the best part after all; we never lick the batter - only the frosting.
If your H is to change WCW, he will need to become aware he should change his direction. I am not suggesting you drop a bomb. Bombs destroy - they do not heal. He can only achieve that awareness within himself. Will he achieve it? Again I honestly do not know. And don't discount that he may be changing - when we change we have to change 100% for the better in order to get 10% of the credit.
People will do something - including changing their behavior - only if they can conclude that doing so is in their own best interests as defined by their own values.
All you can influence is his environment. Fill it with love and support. Show that your M is in his best interest to keep and nuture. That you have done and continue to do. But his head is still not on straight - he does not see what is around him. I hope some day he will. I hope he sees it before it is too late - as it was too late for me when former W ran out of love.
