Hummmm........locked up. Well, ok, I am going to come to "piecing". I hope I am ready for this. I was in Newcomers and you can find my thread there.
A lot has been going on in my life....in some areas.....spiritual areas, and my job, etc. As far as my M...well, I think I can say we are back to where our "normal" was before I hit MLC or whatever it was that happen to me. As you know, if you have followed my stitch, my H and I have not been sexually intimate for many years. It is a long story so you would need to go back and catch up to understand. Anyway, we have not returned to being sexually active, but there is always hope. That hope lies within myself. No, I take that back...it lies within God. Because I don't think I will ever get that desire for my H without God putting it in me. I have prayed, begged, pleaded....to God over the years to have that feeling for my H. However, I just did not want to have sex with H. He always thought I was frigid. I decided something was wrong with me. We went so long without ML that I thought he could not perform any more. So, I didn't talk about it and I didn't encourage it. Anyway, I got involved in playing games on line and "chatting" with others and that led to other chat rooms and that led to OM. And that led to trouble! I had all the signs of a MLC...although I was too old for a MLC! Guess my brain did not know that! I would have walked away form my H and my M if I had had the finances to support myself apart from his help. I knew he would not move out and would not help me. My life was so miserable that I thought I was going to have a stroke or a heart attack from the stress....or give him one. The worst part of this entire mess is the fact that my grown D and maybe my GS found the IM that I was sending the OM before my H discovered the messages. Can you even begin to imagine how humiliating that is? Well, it is either get your heart right with God and straighten up your life....or run away. My elderly mom lives nearby and depends on me, plus my other children and GC live here. So, I really didn't want to run away....although I did feel like it some days. So, I had some serious decisions to make. Fist, I had to decide who (which man) I was going to spend my life with....my H or the OM. I chose my H. Secondly, I had to withdraw from the OM. But, I was so weak and really didn't know how....no...I did know, but I did not WANT to withdraw from him. But, that is where wise experienced people on this board helped me. They were so brutely honest with me that it woke me up! Then they were so encouraging to me and helped me through some mighty rough spots.
My life has done a lot of turn abouts over the past couple of months. As I have said befoe, I feel as though I have been through a "crash course", but it has been worth it.
I don't want to give the impression that I am healed or we have made it to the end or anything like that. We are back to where we were....but that is not good enough, because that, I think, is why I got into the condition that I was in to start with. You may disagree and are welcome to express that to me. But, I think if I had been satisfied and happy with myself and my MR, I would not have gone "looking" and "flirting" with danger (OM). Although I never had a PA, I did have an EA and had the embarrasing cybersex. (That is not easy to admit.) You see, I became someone I did not even recognize! How could I expect my own family to know what the heck was going on with me?
My poor H did all the "wrong" things at first. It was so unlike him to act the way he did. He would snoop, and spy. He would follow me around the house, watch every move I made.....everything that drove me crazy! He had always given me plenty of privacy and space....but I betrayed his trust!
I was ready to walk out the door...with or without the finances because I could not stand him one more minute! I told him to back away and now! Leave me alone and give me plenty of space! He did and quickly. That is what saved our marriage. Although, he used "tough love", and by that I mean that he told me what he would not tollerate under his roof. But you know, if you really want to do something....you will find a way and a time. So, it was still up to me to make that decision....he could not MAKE me do it! You cannot control another person. Everytime he tried to control me....I would rebel that much more.
So, here I am in "piecing" and hope I will continue to hear from my best friends and make some new ones.
Last edited by sandi2; 08/17/0701:51 AM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Welcome, Sandi. I think you're incredibly strong. We all do things that are out of character or seem wrong, but I honestly believe that we're all doing the best we can at any given moment given our resources and who we are at the time. It's what's kept me from walking away from my H with his deep EA.
Piecing is tough, I won't lie. Are you guys in MC? If not, any chance you could do so? You and your H both need someone to help facilitate these conversations. It's a tricky time after reconciling...and I credit our MC for being a neutral advocate.
Are you in IC? If not, go, if only to figure out the low desire thing. I've had the same problem...and for me at least, it's the courting and the intense feelings of the new and different and hopeful that I like. My H is like vanilla...I like vanilla, but sometimes something less predictable and safe is what I want. And also, for me at least, a huge part of my problems with wanting to be intimate with my H was because the R was bad...I didn't feel heard, didn't get any kind of positive touch except in pursuit of sex, felt like he made me the scapegoat for everything. Voicing my feelings and taking control of my own life and responsibility for speaking up has helped in the sex department a lot. It's not perfect...but there's progress.
Welcome, and good luck.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Thank you for responding. I think you may be the first one to talk to me that is kind of in the same boat about the lack of desire for the H. Most of the ones I have talked with are crazy in love with H and wants to ML, etc.
I have been once to a C when I first started having the on-line contact with OM. However, she did not see anything wrong with it and blamed my H for his lack of attention to the MR, etc. He did not like that one bit and so I did not go back. He will not consider going to C. So, it is either work it out ourselves (mostly me, since he doesn't feel that he has really done anything that bad.) or read books. That is why this bb has about saved my life.
Don't misunderstand my H. He is a good person. He is gentle and kind. But our R over the past 20 years just steadily declined and I got so lonely. I had not had hormones for many years after my hysterectomy. (I did at first, but then they finally took me off them...said they weren't doing anything.) I don't know if I just didn't have any drive or if it was my other health issues, but I felt like I kind of died inside. I wasn't feeling anything. Then I went to see a new doctor and she put me on hormones and all of a sudden, it was like my body woke up! About the same time is when I had slipped in the on-line communicating with OM. I was kind of excited to find out that I was a normal female instead of being frigid...but I was also eat up in guilt, b/c I knew I shouldn't be doing what I was doing. When H found out and it all hit the fan, it pushed my EA with OM into high gear. I think it would have all fizzled out if H had not discovered the messages. But, then after he did and confronted me about it, I turned to the OM for emotional support and the EA intensified. Then the next thing I knew, I was calling him on the phone....and one thing led to another until we were planning on meeting this past summer for a PA. That did not happen, thank God, but it was well on its way when I found this board.
I need a lot of encouragement about my feelings....or rather my lack of desire. I know I love my H, but it is more like loving a brother right now. I don't want to hurt him and that was the only reason (and not having the money) that stopped me from being a WAW. However, I feel like I could go the rest of my life without having sex with him. I do want to have sex....and would have had sex (I think) with OM. How can I explain that I think I could have had sex with OM that I had never been with before....easier than I can my H? That makes no sense to me. Maybe I should have went over to the sex starved forum...but I felt like I should come here, b/c it just isn't about sex.
Please give me your thoughts anytime. It would be appreciated.
Last edited by sandi2; 08/18/0702:27 AM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you for replying to my thread Sandi. I agree our stories are very similar, so it looks like we will be piecing together as WAW. Its good to see i'm not the only one here
It is Sunday morning and I am waiting to go to Sunday School...I am a teacher. That was one of the things that really bothered me when I was messed up and doing things I shouldn't. I found some reason to miss church on Sundays b/c I knew I should not be standing up before a class while I was living like I was. In the process....I lost my class. However, I am back where I should be and I am trying to re-build my class. I was also given a position to work with the teens on Wednesday nights. That is something I have not done in years! Now, I have more motivation than ever to keep my life clear of anything that is not appropriate for a wife, mother, or teacher. I am thankful the our Lord forgives....and much faster than humans. He cleans us up and puts us back to work. That is where I am the happiest...working for Him.
As I have told some others, I still have that old temptation to come calling (regarding the OM) but I am getting stronger and I am determined not to give in. I won't be blind-sided this time to what is happening, whereas before....I just gave way to the fleshly desires not wanting to think about the results and all that may be affected by me decisions.
For you who are Believers, I hope you will pray that my grown D and my GS will be able to see me again through eyes of respect. You see, I was their teacher, also, in Church down through the years. So, I can only guess what they must think of me now. I know they love me, but still, I have disappointed them b/c they saw me as somebody very strong in the Christian faith. I would have been the last person they would ever have thought about getting involved in cybersex.
I still cringe when I use that word! But, it happened and I am paying the price. I just want to say for the LBS or even the WAW that perhaps got involved in this stuff and you wonder why the consequenses are not important at the time you are doing it...I think, with me, I was in such a fog that I just thought that if it got bad enough that I would run away with the OM. How stupid is that? I really thought he loved me and I was living in "the grass is greener" limbo state. I couldn't deal with reality and did not want to face the truth of what I was doing to everyone around me. I wanted to believe he (OM) truely loved me. To wake up to the fact that I probably was not the "only one" he was dangling along at the same time.....that was hard. I really thought my case was different.
Anyway, if I can ever help anyone, I will do my best. Maybe the wrong I did will be able to be put to good use somehow. I hope you all have a good day. It is going to be beautiful....I have decided that!
BTW, I am going to try to make some goals for myself and my MR this week. Hope to be able to report that to you soon.
Last edited by sandi2; 08/19/0702:37 PM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Humans are the only "animal" (for lack of a better word) that punishes themselves over and over and over again for the same wrongdoing. Every time you think of it and feel bad, you're punishing yourself again.
God's already forgiven you...He did it before you even sinned. God understands what we sometimes don't: we are imperfect, human, and we WILL screw up.
You are living in the past, and that makes no sense because there's nothing you can do to change your past. Right here, right now is the only thing you have control over. Stop punishing yourself...let go. And don't even feel bad because of the temptation--you created a habit, and habits are hard to break.
Write a love letter to yourself. Write down all the good and wonderful things about you, then read it over and over again. Create a daily affirmation replacing your old thinking (I'm a bad, horrid, unworthy person b/c of OM) with new thinking (something like, I am strong, valuable, worthy and wonderful. I forgive myself like God forgives me.)
But...sweetie...you've got to stop beating yourself up. You can't move forward until you let go of the past and start being more gentle with yourself.
Now...this is just *me*...but I kind of think you might be a fantastic example to your D and GS *because* you had this experience...and you're going to show them how to overcome it and accept God's grace and compassion. You're teaching them that screwing up is not the end of the world, it's not a death sentence, it's just one of those things we do. To me, that's real Christianity. All of those people you see who project a "Godly" image...well, they've got their own ghosts too.
And remember...when Jesus was on earth, WHO was he hanging out with? WHO did he demonstrate ultimate compassion for? People like Mary Magdalene, drug addicts, the sick, the homeless...not the big whigs in the church, not the ones who thought they'd already "arrived".
So, write that letter to yourself, and FORGIVE.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Not a lot to tell, but I'm on here every night reading and throwing around my two cents worth. It is still what keeps me "straight". My H and I are .....well, the only way I know how to describe it is to say we are back to normal for us. It isn't where I want us to end up, but for right now, it is okay. I still do not have sexual desires for him, but maybe someday. I have tried to decide within my own heart that if we never sleep together again, I will live for the Lord and find happiness in Him. But, even though I think I am still the oldest person on here, I don't feel that old and I still have the dream that my H and I can have a R just like the younger ones do. I've not given up on our MR.....and I have not "settled"...don't mean it to sound as though I have. I just mean that if it never led to an active sex life between us....I could live with it. I would like for us to be closer in other ways.....you know...actually have intimate conversations about "feelings", etc., but he hasn't in 41 years, so I don't know why I expect him to now. He's never been one for "meaningful conversation" that all the good books about MR talk about.
He has continued to stay "backed away" as I asked him to do. I, however, am finding it very difficult to draw closer to him and I know he is waiting on me to make the first move....the second move....the third, and so on. It bothers me that I can't seem to do that. I don't know what is the matter with me. The same thing that has been the matter for years, I suppose. But, I still pray that it (whatever "it" is) will change in me. Sometimes, I almost envy these wives that talk about how much in love they are with their H and don't want to loose them. I want to feel that way about mine. I know I love him, but I don't feel "in love" with him. You know.....like "they" (the WAS) all say! I haven't felt that way in many, many years. I think that is one of the reasons I fell in the on-line mess. But, anyway, I know it was wrong and I'm determined to live right....with or without the "in love" feelings. I have grown children and one grown grandchild and two little grandchildren. So, I have to think about them. When I was in my "fog".....I couldn't think about anything logically....just what I wanted. And, what I wanted was to be in love and to feel that wonderful feeling and to actually experience what it was like to have sex with someone you desired. I keep praying that someday, it will be my H.
Oh.....gee....didn't mean for that to sound like a pity party. Sorry about that. I'm not really feeling that way....just have a hard time expressing myself sometimes.
I have not made contact with the OM since I broke it off....I told you all about that. I have been tempted a few times, but I can come on here and it usually passes soon. I know that just b/c one determines within their heart to do something doesn't mean the temptation won't come from time to time....so I deal with it.
Well, my little granddaughter is here to spend the night.....that is what families are all about...right? She is precious and worth my attention, so I'm off to spend time with her. Hope you all have a good night and don't give up. I'm not going to give up, either!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi Sandy, Just read some of your thread. Great you're trying to work it out with your DH. Have you ever heard of light your fire by Dr. Ellen Kreidman? I heard several people talk about this on the boards. You can check her website lightyourfire.com. Not sure if it will help but you can always try!!! I'm kind of curious how she works aswell but not able to in my sitch...(yet). Will you let me know if you try her methods?
