It's shouldn't be scary. They don't teach dialoguing until the afternoon of Saturday. By that time you have had several conversations and probably are already looking at your spouse. But for those who need reminding, they do teach it. I went several years without looking my husband in the eye. We co-existed in the same house because I never really saw him there. Aren't I terrible? It isn't really a surprise that he had an affair.
Thanks Sara for your encouraging descriptions of the weekend! I still have a hard time believing so much can be healed in a weekend, but I am definitely open to letting the process work its magic if it is meant to be.
I am trying not to get my hopes up because I am not sure my wife will agree to go, but I did pose it to her as a way to improve our communication skills, for us or for future relationships if things do not work out between us.
NikkiB wrote:
"And they insist that you look into each others' eyes when you dialogue, so you see just what you saw 10 or 20 years ago. The young person who you loved."
terrifies me??
We've spent so long NOT talking... this intensity freaks me out.
I can appreciate what you are saying, but since the eyes are the windows to the soul, think of connecting eye to eye as a way to penetrate the intensity of the exterior, to get to the peace you each hold within.
3 days ago, I get a letter from a high school friend I have not seen in 19 1/2 years. (He does not know about the separation and difficulties between my wife and I) He had mailed 3 photographs he took of my wife and I as newlyweds while we stopped to visit him on our move to Boston. We looked so carefree and happy and these are the two people I hope we can see when we look into each other's eyes. But how is that for timing? He had the photos in a drawer for 19 years, and for some reason he decides to mail them this week.
LG
Me 46 WAW 45 M 21 yrs
WAW: "I need to be alone" 12/06 W moves out 3/07 Mediation finalized 08/08
That is so touching. I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes.
At the end of the weekend they asked what we found to be the most signicant thing for us over the weekend. (This was the first time they asked us to share in the group at all, except for introductions.) I said that I didn't remember when my husband and I had changed from the happy newlyweds we once were, but I came to the weekend and I met the man I married. People all over the room were agreeing. So it was not an uncommon experience.
The weekend is the turning point when you stop the old habits and learn to communicate. But there is homework that you do each night for the first week, practicing the dialoguing. And then you start the post sessions. The 6 post sessions are on the next 6 Sundays (or they were for us.)Here they talk more about theory. How to rebuild your marriage. Love is a decision. Forgiveness is a decision, etc. The method is still the same, but it's assumed you know how to dialogue and now can work on issues. It's not until about the 4th post session when they get to how to have a structured disagreement. And you practice doing an easy one at the session. You know, we haven't had a disagreement since. I think neither of us wants to go thru a structure to argue, so we just avoid arguing. It takes away all the fun of poking jabs at each other, and trying to outsmart each other. You have to consider the other person's feelings and make accomodations. Where's the fun in that?
After the weekend we came home happy but walking on eggshells. Could we maintain the closeness while living in the real world? We looked forward to those post sessions every week. But slowly we got stronger. And now it's second nature.
Remember, don't try to fix your marriage first. Just get her to walk in the door.
I know that they won't accept any couple unless both parties agree to it in writing. I believe after the initial weekends you are commiting to 6-8 follow-up weekends. They keep you with the same group of couples that you started out with, giving you the chance to make some good and long lasting relationships. The success rates is amazing, somewhere in the high 80's. It is non-denominational, although is it a Catholic run program. If you can't afford the price of the hotel they will gladly pay for it. So really it's all good!
When I originally looked into it I contacted a leader in St Louis. She told me that in her case she was the one who wanted the divorce and pretty much went to say she tried. It so transformed her marriage that she is a true believer and has run a group with her husband for the last 12 years.
I agree with Sara. No middle man means that you and your husband are doing all of the repair work.
I received a call back this evening from I guess the person who runs this. Right now, my wife and her family hate me. Wife will not forgive although I have forgiven her. She has a lot of anger issues stemming from childhood. Their family dynamics are full of pride. When my wife was 6 yrs old, her grandfather, (who made himself very wealthy) was teaching her the piano. My wife kept making a mistake and he got so frustrated, he put her over his knee while her mother (mom's dad) did nothing.
To this day, they expect perfection. Were married 20 yrs as this past May but love hasn't existed for a long, long time. I would be willing to do this, but I know my wife will not. We tried marriage counsing 3 separate times but my wife would only go once. She is not willing to hear constructive criticism. I've made mistakes and I asked the Lord to help me change myself. I work very hard and now I do not let people get me angry because the only one who can get me angry is me.
My wife is always angry. For years, we wouldn't talk. She yelled and cursed at me, a few times she hit me in front of our 2 children and has to be in control of me. She has treated me like an idiot and I have resented that, held it in, then exploded. Her family always interferes. For over 17 yrs, I told my wife to speak to her Dad because he would get angry at me if I didn't agree that Jesus, His Passion and the Gospel is full of SHI@. My wife refused to do nothing.
The women on the phone from Retrouvaille is mailing me a flyer and told me there is one session a year, the next one in September here in New Jersey. When this flyer comes in, how do I sell this to my wife? The woman I spoke to said the session challanges you to make changes and only by a miracle from God will that happen.
One thing you could do (and I don't remember where I read this) is that you can suggest to your spouse that going to this would help you. Say something along the lines of "i'm having trouble communicating and I think this would help me communicate better. Would you be willing to help me do so?" That way this is about you learning something new and she assisting you in doing so.
I believe I may have gotten that suggestion from the Retrovaille website, but can't be sure.
EM
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
First off, it is not like counseling. No one but the two of you discusses your marriage. Everything is private. Just the two of you alone together with your notebooks. And even you can't criticize her because it's against the rules to talk about the other person. You only talk about yourself. There will be no criticism, constructive or otherwise. She will write about her feelings and read about yours. If there are changes that she thinks she should make, so be it. No one will tell her she needs to change.
I can see where she would be sensitive to criticism with a background like that.
It is only one weekend. One weekend that could make the next 30 years of both your lives more enjoyable. Where is it held in NJ? Is it at a monastery or a hotel? Here in Tampa it was at a monastery, so it was a very peaceful, relaxing environment. You do not have to commit to the post sessions before you go. So you could just sell her on the weekend, and when that is over, you could see if she's willing to do the post.
Perhaps it would be more appealing to offer to do it in a different location. There's a group in Orlando. You could combine it with a trip to Disneyworld. I know some people have gone to San Diego to do it. You could do the weekend anywhere and then get permission from your NJ group to do the post sessions with them.
Those are all the ideas I have now. Perhaps something will come to me. Of course, there's the idea of doing it for the children. So they will live in a happier household.
And, what about....it will help you to understand her. If you understood her better, then you could change in ways to make the family happier. (Don't mention that you would prefer that this be reciprocal, that's understood.)
Good luck, LG. (I don't know about needing to sign something about wanting to go. We didn't have to do that here in Tampa, but I think that individual groups do differ.)
Wow - I just received another sign from above, possibly?
A short time ago, I received a phone call from Father A.C. who is a Franciscan priest, and a cousin of my wife. He just flew back to the states from Rome where he was leading a pilgrimmage.
Over the years, my wife and I have collaborated on illustrations and graphic design for books that he has written. We only hear from him a few times per year, but he called me tonight to see how I was doing. He was not familiar with Retrouvaille when I mentioned it to him, but he said he thinks it is good to leave no stone unturned at this point. He quoted Romans 8:28 to me and lifeted my spirits with this paragraph: "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to his purpose."
It feels like there are unseen helpers beginning to come together behind the scenes for the purpose of saving our marriage. I will keep my faith no matter what happens.
LG
Me 46 WAW 45 M 21 yrs
WAW: "I need to be alone" 12/06 W moves out 3/07 Mediation finalized 08/08
It feels like there are unseen helpers beginning to come together behind the scenes for the purpose of saving our marriage. I will keep my faith no matter what happens.
