Quote: But can you walk away and leave the door open a tad bit?
the only way h would have any chance at me opening up to him is if he were to open up to me...which he wont do..h will need to do a lot of work on himself get to know himself..and actually be willing to work on the r.
h doesn't want to do any of that and wont...so really there is no point of leaving the door open...I left it open over the summer and someone disguised as a changed man came in only to later reveal the same old h that had left.
facts of the matter are that in all honesty I should have been the one to have an affair..leave and ask for a d...I just didn't do it...I know I can live without him...and know that the kids will be well provided for...there really is no reason for me to suffer in this r anymore...after all there really isn't a r here anyway...simply to people going through the motions.
I'd rather get a d than have an affair myself and that is what will happen if I stay in this m.
I hate to see you so discouraged, especially after all the support (and hope, a lot of the time) you have given me. As you know, I feel I know your H. I would have many of the same questions if my H returned, although it really doesn't look like I will have that opportunity.
I keep hoping your H will be willing to go to counselling with you, and that you can find a good C - if he truly is like my H, he would open up more with a professional present (which may well be why they are both avoiding C). It's crazy I know, that he won't share those things with you alone, but C may be the best way to find out what he is thinking / hoping / wanting. Then look to change some of the patterns between you. Still, if he won't go...
I am so sorry for your pain but you must do what is best for LL. You have certainly given more than 100% to this R. Someday your H will regret the great opportunity he has squandered.
I wish you well my friend and I'm here if you need a friend. It's the least I can do for you.
Quoting KAW: Waahoo!! Maybe we can get everyone here to do the wave for LL ... LOL
Actually, it just occured to me...I don't think your H has yet realized it is a consistant effort in order to make each day a better day. I truely believe he wants to LL, but probably is expecting that this stuff should just fall into place and doesn't realize that in order to make each day a better day, he has to put in an equal amount of effort if not more than he did the day before. He doesn't know that what he did today will not continue to carry the same momentum into tomorrow, but thinks it should. So he doesn't realize that he has to do it all over again, day after day.
Anyway, so glad to hear you received a warm Valentine from your husband.
'til later, KAW
so then how to if I even care to at this point...get him to understand the momentum needs to continue??? I cant persue for fear of rejection...I am at a loss...
sitting here....confident that I will call a lawyer tommorow and start the d myself...then I go back and read this thread and see the good days...and wonder...is there still hope?? can I do something to bring the good days closer together...can this m be saved.
will h come home tonight (he wasn't going to but s called him when going to bed and asked if he'd be here when the sun came up so I assume he'll crawl in round 3...will he sleep on the couch...will he crawl into bed...) I don't know anymore...I don't know from day to day what h will come through the door...the happy one who gives me a warm kiss on the cheek or the one who gives me the obligatory peck? I know what things h does and doesn't do that effect my moods... I don't know what things I do or don't do that effect h's moods. and h wont give me an answer....maybe he doesn't know... maybe he's just a "guy"
we'll see what tommorow brings..but I still plan to talk to a lawyer just to get the informantion.
I can ask you out in the book store, if you would like, I am sure my W would not mind...
Hey, I know it is frustrating, but, sharing one of the advises I was offered, get away from the drama for a while. Take the expectations and disppoitment away for a while in your daily life. Enjoy yourself and the company of the kiddo. it is tiring to think of them every day. That would not work for any of us, as it just wears us out.
Quote: PS: Tell him about the guy who tried to pick you up. Don't give any details when he ask questions, make him wonder.
told him just after...I was sitting in my car outside the book store when he called to ask when I'd be home because he was planning to go out tonight. I let him know I had just been asked to coffee by a man...h said ...you do what you need to do!!
WTF???
h is a looney!!!
I must be a looney!!!
I should have said yes to the guy...I did after all meet him in the relationship section and most of our talk was me pushing the db/dr books on him.
I probably shouldn't be saying all this here cause he may just show up on this site!! then I'd be really .
I do love my h. I don't want to give up. I do believe we can be very happy together. I just am tired of trying.
I've just been reading some in a book about affairs...I don't know if this is h's first or not...suppose that doesn't really matter..
there is a section about split selves...people who tend to do the right thing..people pleasers etc... I would tend to think that fits both h and myself. a r like this doesn't fare well...as one is always trying to please the other and ends up neglecting their own needs etc.. unlike h I am way too in touch with my emotions..the are very on the surface...I can cry at the drop of a hat!! h keeps his at bay. the affair in a split self person...can look like an mlc...they find passion...life...emotion..etc...and often attribute these things to the op..(h has done that)
what needs to happen in this scenario...is personal reflection..growth..etc.
I have done alot of that have been doing it for years now...sorting through the whats and hows of my persona..reflecting back to childhood wounds and making amends with most of them..learning and growing.
I don't see that h has done that...and in order for our r to go anywhere (or any r for that matter as even with ow..after a while she will burn out too..he needs to have ownership of his own passion..emotions etc and can't give her the keys to himself no one should hold the key..you should hold your own!! mho)
h is not in touch with his emotions etc...
the section of the book made a whole lot of sense to me...I marked the section and left it on the table...h probably wont read it and again it will just be me being deep and pshycological while h wants to just hide.
I feel like calling h and telling him that I love him and I'm sorry but I can't do this anymore if he is unwilling to do the work with me.
I wont because I know I will be met with silence and that will frustrate me.
time to do as my first piecing thread was tittled and "keep my mouth shut"
I hope today is a better day for you. I think it's wise to reread your old threads and see how far you've come. As Chuck said and I concur, it gets so tiring to always be the one trying. I slept two hours last night which is typical because I ponder the R and how I can make it better. I finally realized it's out of my hands.
If that is the book I gave you I remember the section. It realy is true. I do believe they don't know who they are. Deanna86 said to me yesterday to remember that they are in such deep pain. I hadn't thought of that. Perhaps Mr. LL is also in deep pain.
Should he address the pain and try to resolve it? Absolutely. Can you help him? If he lets you and if you want to.
As you've told me so many times you are a wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, loving, caring woman. You deserve to be happy.
well h didn't come home last night and though he told son he'd be here when the sun came up and also told me that he'd set his alarm for 5 so he'd be here at six it is now 8 and no h. h called and left a message for s only at 7 30 saying he's on his way.
let's see LL's life.
LL get's engaged...4 months later learns her father is having an affair..
LL gets married...parents finalize their d
LL and H buy townhouse....mother sells home and each parent buy their own place
LL pregnant with son...is told brothers wife is having an affair and they are getting a d
LL gives birth to dd...3 months later discovers her h is having an a (though he denies it being anymore than a friendship at the time) and h moves out for a week
LL has family over for easter...LL is told by h that he doesn't want to be her h anymore and moves out to his parents
by june...h says he wants a d
by october h says he confused and wants to try to come home...mostly mentioning need for son to be ok.
feb...LL wants a d and her h will not try to stop her.
LL has called the lawyer and awaits a return call to set up a consultation...h called again to talk to son...son doesn't want to talk to him!! h is on his way home...kinda dumb don't ya think..it's now 8 he may not get here til 9 will then have to turn right back around and go to his office.
I should never have married this man..I knew he didn't love me then.
.
.
h is on his way home...kinda dumb don't ya think..it's now 8 he may not get here til 9 will then have to turn right back around and go to his office.